Review game!

I loved how you created this whirlwind feel with the story of Sierra's dismissal from BBC. Also, Sierra's blog entry made her seem more believable as a character in a third-person viewed chapter - I think it's critical to introduce characters so that readers can meet them ASAP. Good job!

One thing I didn't like... the use of paranthetical writing. It really distracted. Of course, I'm easily distracted, but it really did stop the chaotic flow of the writing at the begining of the chapter. All in all, great start!

Haha. I really like this fic.
"What's a kahnt?" XD
Good job. Can't wait to read more.

Hey!

Ha-ha, really cute chapter. Through out it I could actually imagine everything happening in this chapter. I like how you described everything, like the sign for example, yet you didn't use so much time describing it. That lets the reader figure out some stuff for themselves. Good work with that part.

Something I think you could improve...hm...I think that you're overusing the italics a little bit. I mean you should let the reader interpret what their reading it allows the reader to interact with your writing a little more.

Good Work!

-Kaiyako K.

((I review as I read, not after- and keep in mind that I haven't read the chapters which come prior to this one.))

Dialogue- The dialogue flows very well, and each of your characters seems to have their own particular voice. *applause* Also, it's natural, and I can imagine myself witnessing it when people see each other again.

Characters- Your characters, like your dialogue, are very believable, and I would honestly love to meet Janelle. Realistic kid you have there, and something tells me having dinner with these characters of yours would be the most interesting experience of my life.

Writing- Wow, your writing style is so incredibly sophisticated, and I keep getting lost, and going back, and ignoring parentheses until I understand the stuff outside of them. But that's just fine, because I usually ignore those things 'til I'm finished with the normal sentence anyhow. So yes, I love your style, and think it fits the people you're writing about. Although it does scare me that your second paragraph is like, two sentences.

Spelling- I didn't see anything glaring out at me evilly, so your spelling skills are just fine. Plus I'm jealous because you can use semi-colons, and as I've told some people before, I just can't seem to get them down. I envy your skill.

Other- I did like it, and I think I need to go back at some point and have a look at the other chapters, because some of it had me sorta confused. I always like to know what was going on.

So all in all, I enjoy what you have written, and I look forward to seeing more (when I have time, in any case).

Arianna

I actually read all chapters because I didn't want to take Chapter 3 out of context.

What I liked. Overall your characterizations are clear and unique. I enjoyed the cultural mix of English vs. US and yet the similarities of "acceptable".

I think your first chapter is the strongest. It's not the longest, but in my opinion it was the most engaging with a clear chronology and cause/effect.

When I transitioned to Chapter 2 I lost touch with the main character. Hannah's relationship confused me. I realized at the end that the child was to be the focus, but I'm not sure I needed all the info on the daycare center supplied. I would have preferred to see the child more clearly (what he looks like, how his day is in comparision to his mother). Perhaps some more foreshadowing into Chapter 3 and his relationships to the additional characters that were coming (rather than those left behind and not used in Chapter 3.

I thought Chapter 3 dialogue was strong. You have a skill for capturing how people actually talk, and I liked your use of phonetics. I liked how you continued to circle back to the "keyword".

I did however think that your main character over reacted to the possibility of smoke and the child: i.e -- Oh god… she cursed, and slammed her palm against the door in frustration. Then she swore aloud, realizing that on the opposite side rested her Bambi, dead to the world; her knuckles wedged themselves between her teeth, muffling any profanities that sought to escape whilst her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.

That was a little over the top fo me. I also thought the "dead to the world" was literal and we had a rather bizarre plot twist here. Might just be me.

Overall, I think the story has potential. I think your characters are engaging. I would focus on the main plot/point you wish to get across and move things forward with dialogue which is your strength.

-
a flimsy rectangle that said: MOMMY, I AM OVeR HERE!! (The almost invisible e, squashed as it was between the V and R, had very clearly been a last-minute addition.)
-

Oh, that's adorable! X3 And I love your ending lines, about the kahnt--hilarious.

Johnnie is adorable. I love when we get to see things from his point of view.

It's interesting the way you did the dialog, with no quotation marks. But it's still distinguishable from the rest, which is good!

Haha, I love the mother's pyjamas.

-
I did, actually, but the thing about youthe thing about this woman, lets call her Rachel (shouldn't there be a period here? and some sort of punctuation between you and the?)

What, after your character?
-

All in all, v interesting. This story's got flavor. ^_~

Interesting story! I'm doing the review game.
What I liked and why: I like your writing style and format. It's refreshing from what I usually read. You are able to really infuse emotion and personality into your paragraphs by varying your sentence structures and length. Well done.
Also, your characters are interesting. Johnny made me smile. :)

What I think could be improved: I kinda had a little trouble with the lack of quotation marks. Maybe it's because I'm not really used to that way of writing dialogue. I had trouble switching between "character voice" and "narrator voice" in my head.

Funny. Although I do get a bit lost on who's speaking from time to time. Really gets confusing. All round fun. :)

Okay... XD

I laughed. A lot. That was a great introduction.

Sierra looks like a character I can grow to like.

I'll gladly read the rest of the story, but as for right now I'm at school so I'm limited on time (I took study time out to read and review your story :D)

I like the humor in this piece. It's intelligent in a way, but still at a technicality immature. It made me laugh more than I probably should have, especially at the "C u n t" part. I love it so far. I'll read the rest and probably continue to laugh when I get home today.

Hi review game,
so you asked for chapter three reviewed so I just read through the others...but hurrah for Britishisms that I will get and others wont!

First off, I love your writing, and the unique way you have of getting your ideas across- you have a very clear narrative 'voice' which is very prominent in the first and second chapters especially.

I'm still undecided about whether or not I like the fact that you don't use quotations- it’s a little harder for me to follow, but I don’t know- it looks visually nicer.

Okay, onto some nitpicky stuff for this particular chapter.
Sometimes your use of language crosses that thin line between interesting and varied and into the depths of trying a little too hard, the term ‘exorbitant’ comes to mind.
‘overbearing as her five and a half feet to his 6 1 would allow.’
That second height needs to be six one, if you are spelling out the first.

And I still think phonetically ‘Kahnt’ is more Australian than anything…I always think that the ‘ku’ is particularly harsh over here…unless it’s in a really aggressive London accent.

OH, and my word I adore Johnny- he isn’t a fictional child that I want to strangle

Great job!

Review for Chapter 3:
I like your prose. It's very original and you've managed to carry it this far, which, is amazing. However it gets very confusing around the middle (I was lost after Janelle's "Oh my God). Perhaps you should consider trimming some adjectives/ancedotes/uncessary non-sequiturs down?

There some words you should watch out for, such as: "Janelle, boyfriend in tow, arrived to SNICKERINGLY detangle." They just didn't fit into the prose.

Also: some cut-off sentences? eg. "For gods sake! Rupert, Julian and I are just fri"

"Sierra caught her sons gaze, and together they giggled the giggle of co-conspirators, and like all truly diabolical co-conspirators the world over do, they giggled the giggle in perfect unison." - aww! I loved this little relationship/bond between mother and son. It shows how colourful Johnnie's young personality is.

I also loved the book meeting, which explained Sierra's suspension. Very good tension created between Sierra and Rupert by having Sierra question the novella (which represented their past relationship).

Overall, keep it up!

Oi, I had to read the first sentence like six times before I finally got it. I'm all for complex, stylish, prose--but try to aim for 'clarity' above all else.

I'd scratch out the first four words of this. So it reads: "The media ‘furore’, the not-quite-sacking of his mother, the typographical anarchy on internet message boards his mother’s untethered temper had caused – none of this mattered to Johnnie..." Or something along those lines.

Hehe, the 'can't' discussion is quite amusing ;D I can just imagine this scene playing out. I love Johnnie, he's such a cutie :3 So adorable.

I'm not quite sure about the dates. This is no longer an article-like prose, so the dates just kind of stick out, and to be honest I just kinda skim through it altogether as I'm reading. I wonder if the dates are going to be important plot points...if they serve no purpose, I highly recommend you remove them.

Ah, so Hannah is Johnnie's day-care teacher. So the relationship between them is understood. And finally, we're introduced to the legal-guardian (step mother perhaps?)

You've got lots of elaborate sentences here that can get tiresome real quick. Perhaps you should break one down into two sentences, instead? It'll read a lot smoother that way.

"...'Where Momma?' he whinnied..." Perhaps 'whined' not whinnied?

Is Miranda some sort of crazy grammar nut? That's the impression I get, if she thinks about those kinda things xP

^_^ Anyways, overall this chapter was very cute. I'm actually looking forward to what happens next. Your characters have caught my interest =D Great job on this.

One thing though at the end, I would choose a different verb than 'snailed' it just seems like the wrong choice of word to me.

~ Audy

"...the Sun reported that, after less than..." delete the comma after 'that', it's not needed and disrupts the flow.

"...the 11th, the BBC announced that, despite rumours..." Same thing here.

"...conclusion if e’er there was(were?) one..."

"... On Friday the appropriate 13th..." tehee, I like all the little sort of 'side comments' you've got going on all over this piece. It's really neat. I think you should add a comma though, so it's like: on Friday, the appropriate, 13th...or have paranthesis around it, cause I found myself stumbling over that phrase.

Perhaps this is being /too/ overly picky, but I'd capitalize and put periods after all the pms'. So it's 3:07 P.M. etc. If anything it'll add to the "journalistic" (for lack of a better word) style of writing you've got going on.

"...those stubborn-minded turds on the internet..." I love this line xD But the word here, 'turd' is so out of place, in this formal-speech narrative.

Right! So I read chapter one, and I found it very humorous. There are a lot of stylistic things going on that I truly admire, especially with the tone of this piece. Sarcastic, witty, and all that.

I absolutely love the concept: our protagonist as a vulgar movie critic (the fact that she is a mother as well, this makes for a very interesting read xD) Excellent job characterizing Sierra. The style of this piece and how you wrote it, definitely fits in with the whole concept, so yes--stylistically, this is great.

Last lines at the end were ingenious. Overall, you did a good job introducing the main character and setting the tone and setting for this piece and you did it in such a unique and amusing way that I don't mind the info-dump. I liked how you showed us much of these things instead of plainly telling.

Now as for the bad; I felt that it was a little bit inconsistent as far as narrative goes. I didn't get confused or anything, but I think that some readers might, plainly because it's almost as if you've got three different narrators, or something. Lemme explain:

The first part: We've got an article-stylish thing going on. Nice vocabulary, sarcasm, formalness and all that.

Now we get to Sierra's blog (loved it btw!) This is really good, the style changes, as it's supposed to. We've got first person, and second person, and blog-speech (again for lack of a better word), profanities, and we get insight on Sierra's character which is good.

Now the last part: I would think that it would revert back to what you had in the first part. But now we've got more of a narrator-ish, story-like feel to this, it's no longer an article anymore. Now we've got you the author speaking, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But you can see how readers might get confused, because you've got three narratives going on in such a short piece. I am highly against you changing anything, because I love this too much.

I just felt like pointing it out.

Another thing--I, in no way, shape, or form, am good with mechanics and grammatical structures and the like. I've tried my best to catch some obvious ones, but this entire piece is littered with complicated punctuations--you've got dashes, commas, paranthesis, you've got them all xD I've read through this twice, and from what I can see, they're correct; however I can't guarantee that.

Great job with the prologue, now I'll move on to the next chapter =)

Otseis Ragnarok -> Review Game[Depth]

So interesting, I don't even know where to begin...

Well, as an american, I barely know what any of what you are talking about. I know of the BBC, but that's about it... The rest were all assumptions and Leaps of faith...


In the second paragraph, your use of e'er instead of ever seemed odd, considering how antiquated the term is, and it really seemed out of place.

Then thetre was the blog at the end, which I had to read through twice to understand... (The first time, I thought it was an author's note...)

Was the last line also a part of it? "Hence why readers should hopefully understand why the notorious Sierra Verne had posted the above blog entry in a darkened room under the influence of what Julian had lovingly described as “one bitch of a hangover,” and passed out not long after."

It seems to fit the character, (At least my vision of her...) but it doesn't seem like your writing style to have a character say this kind of thing about oneself...

(If that sentance made any sense...)

I'm probably going to read chapter 2 eventually, and until then...

Sayonara...

--RG--

“Mommy’s nowhere!” (In his distress, Johnnie had forgotten that he was too young to successfully wield the possessive apostrophe s.)

-

…And so, to achieve this end, Johnnie returned from his self-imposed exile in the corner and promptly threw:

1) a plastic block;
2) a teacup;
3) a picture-book, and;
4) a tantrum,

-

Both parts made me laugh. ^-^

I liked: the humor of it, especially magnified through the "not-quite-baby"'s eyes. I especially had fun reading the parts you put in his POV, and how the word "kahnt" must absolutely positively be a bad word--as he saw it. So like a child.

*pats little sister nostalgically*

*little sister is nine* *she bites*

Tiny Bit of Criticism: I love what you put in the parentheses, because it was funny and flowed really well with the rest of the fic--but there were so many that after a while I started NOTICING them. Like hey, let's count 'em up!

Actually no, I didn't mean it like that, there weren't quite that much. If anything, the parentheses added to the overall feel of the story. But if there's a way to say what's in the parentheses without using them sometimes, then I would go with that.

O'course, then perhaps some of the story's flavour would be lost...

Oi. Keep them, they're pretty.

Pare them down, there are a lot.

*shakes head at self*

This review probably isn't very helpful, is it? ^^ I'll get better, I promise!