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| Lily Llynn 2008-04-08 ch 1,  | abuseIt was sweet, but I do have some suggestions: -Varying sentence structure. I see subject/verb/etc. so much that it gets too repetitive and consequently, somewhat boring. I'm sure if you changed sentence structure, this would be much better. -More feeling. Most of this is just narration, which again, is kinda boring. I'd rather see more of why they like each other, and how they show that, and also maybe some nervousness or tension around each other. It'd only add to the story. It was a generally cute story, and cliched (but I love cliche). I'm glad the wicked monkey added it to our c2. |
| White Rose Blossom 2008-03-02 ch 1, | abuseCute ^_^ -ARia |
| x3life 2008-03-01 ch 1, | abuseaw how cute!! |
| Camelia Sinensis 2008-03-01 ch 1, | abuseSweet (literaly). I like it. Pink cotton candy is the best! :) |
| Cupid's Jinx 2008-02-21 ch 1, | abuseM, I love candy floss! Cutesome!! And I like your name, too - afraid of love, I can relate to that lol -x- |
| Katherine-the-greate 2008-02-18 ch 1, | abusesweet short story. thanks for posting |
| RoseLife 2008-02-18 ch 1, | abuseso very adorable! fab job xD |
| figmentation 2008-02-18 ch 1, | abuseFirst sentence should read "I was, to say the least, surprised when the school's soccer star Forest Emmerson asked me to the town's Valentine carnival." Note the commas? Without them it's a little bit confusing. Also, there is one typo in there "souund". Every time you mention Valentines' Day both words should be capitalised too. In the second paragraph, you have "I was too distracted to actually think about why she looked like she was planning" If you were too distracted then why do you mention it? Simply something like "I was too distracted to think about why she wasn't so shocked" or something along those lines. The extra "looked like she was planning" is a bit contradictory. Then you can introduce her scheming later when she actually does something. Apart from those technical tidbits, I like this. I'd love to know the full story behind their past relationship in the later chapters though. I also loved this exchange: "You have to stop buying me stuff. We've passed into cliche zone." I demanded. "What's wrong with living a cliche? The people in cliche's are happy, well in most of them anyways." He retorted. I sighed and abandoned the argument letting Forest believe he'd won. I look forward to an update :) figmentation |