I think you really had potential in what you could've done with the idea for this, but you really let it slip. This is more like broken prose, than poetry. You have to find new ways to say things, otherwise it's going to sound like a short story with line breaks.

this is a brilliant poem... you're very talented with words, has anyone ever told you that? :]

the emotions and feelings are so real and i can relate to them

well done