Reviews for sidewalk cracks like veins

Reviews For: sidewalk cracks like veins

lonely silhouette 2008-05-19 ch 1,	abuseI loved this. The only line I didn't like was "by the b.b. gun boy" and the hot dog ending. It was a little random and (to me) didn't seem to fit with the tone set by the rest of the poem. Everything else was great. Good message. I really enjoyed this. --A Raindrop's Shadow
simpleplan13 2008-02-24 ch 1,	abuseI love this piece.. the message is really heartbreaking and I love how it flows from you to those people so beautifully.. all the descriptions are also amazing.. beautiful job... Two lines... by a b.b gun boy.. that confused me.. is it a boy with a b.b gun? or what i did not know a man could fall down so quickly to the ground... it seemed a bit repetitive from the part before it and I dont think you need the down because it's obvious the ground is down... Just two things I noticed, but the rest of it was absolutely perfect PS If you're bored today check out the review game's review marathon.. there's a link in my profile
painted.music 2008-02-19 ch 1,	abusekonban wa Hm, my favorite stanza was probably the first. The simile was a great way to start off: powerful and completely stunning. "veins that are slowly going dry." T'was lovely, a smack in the face to start it off. "maybe my hands can stretch across an ocean," was a sweet line - wistful and wishful and... just sweet. I can't think of a better word to describe it really. :P Although I liked the line "to give them a piece of my half-eaten hot dog," I don't think it worked too well as an ending -- for a couple of reasons. Number one: you didn't mention anything like that before. It just sort of came up out of nowhere. Number two: compared to the rest of the poem, it sounded almost childish, innocent, etc. Whoops, gotta go. :P Anyway, despite the criticism, I really did love this piece. Ha det -Shan-
Tytherpol 2008-02-18 ch 1,	abuseyay i really like this one! i don't think period was the right punctuation to end stnza 2 and i wish there was just maybe one more line in stza 2 directing (more specifically) how or why the bird was shot down. i mean, we get the metaphor, but i think for the pure act of making the imagery fit, you should make it a little clearer--maybe just saying 'shot by a b.b. gunned boy' (that would be kind of cool irony) or really anything idk "in a graveyard" is kind of awkward. "and i, are looking" --the comma is really pretty looking here. i like it, but it doesn't fit gramatically, and i'm not exactly sure why you put it? "is eating off of live bodies" --awesome parallel, but "off of" makes it all seem a little too forced of a metaphor i LOVE the sudan/sedan sneaky little thing. the "there's electric warmth...(all the way to)... ground" stanzas are incredible. you really make us look like soul-less monsters, and the personal self-awareness that the narrator experiences here (i think) comes at just the right time to fit the idea of the poem. "this town really are"- i thought it was new york city? "cots from crowded hospital beds,"- i genuinely might be wrong here, but i thought cots were beds. maybe i'm wrong. "at the amber sky"-- at? really, i'm not sure if i'd chose hotdog to end the piece because it introduces an awful lot of depth that sort of cheapens the rest of the meaning, if you know what i mean? plus, you don't really talk about you physically eating anywhere else in the piece. but idk yay!! awesome poem. i really love this one.

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