FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Midnight In Eden 2008-02-20 ch 1,  | abuseMy main issue with this is, oddly enough, your filler words. I think that you have a lot of "small" words that are just empty syllables and easily could be removed. i.e. the four lines: This is where I bear myself for you to see, where the sleeves slither off, uncovering covered scars: constellations on a teenage arm, past pain reconfigured into present distress. I got rid of six words but it basically says the same thing. Also, I think making these lines one sentence help highlight the constellation image as being the scars. You're venturing into over description with the fifth line though because it seems to be saying the same thing as the previous two lines without really giving us anything new. I think, overall, this poem could be easily condensed. Remove repetition, cut down your descriptions a little, run your sentences together a little more and give this some structure in the form of stanzas. While some of your content is great in its specificity and vividness, you do repeat it in places and it loses its luster. Good luck, Midnight |