FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Dani P 2008-02-21 ch 1,  | abusehmm interesting, but in my opinion doesnt flow like a song. its more like poetry. both are pretty similar so youre not far off. id just play w/ the words and then you have it. and i tried to review your other one about the end of our way of life but it wouldnt let me. that one i could tell was deff a song and a good one. though i dont know if you need the last line say goodbye. seemed kind of cliche to me. thanks for the review |
| simpleplan13 2008-02-21 ch 1, | abuseI like this a lot... it's well done and there are some great lines... I really like the last line in the first stanza and the line "the sound of metal and bone cleaving" and "all firsts leading to this lasts" and "bleeding my soul out" The ending is great too... that hopeful ending crushed by the last one The only thing I kinda wanted was how you felt in the second to last stanza... I mean since it was suicide.. were you happy thinking maybe you'd live because you regretted it? or were you afraid that would happen? I couldnt really tell.. unless you wanted to leave it open to interpretation.. Anyhow nice job |
| writingxonxwalls 2008-02-21 ch 1, | abusewritingxonxwalls from the review game =) I ADORED the line "all firsts leading to this last" it holds so much truth in a small line. All these things being added together, stirred until you die (this last). Congrats!! I loved that part!! The only advice I think I could give, would be to maybe think about adding puncuation. I know you wrote this as a song, and songs lyrics sometimes sound different when they're sung, but when it's read (even allowed as I tried), I couldn't quite get it to flow. I'm sure you know a way that makes it flow, and if you could share it with us that would be amazing! But that's just a tiny minuscule thing, I truly liked it!! --WxOxW |
| Detox 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abuseI tried to put this on as some metal song in my head as I read this...It works yeah. Not sure which band (vocally) could pull it off though. Nice use of description (again). I love the title, that's why I read this. The last two lines really make this though (in my opinion). Nice work. |
| Moon's Poetess 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abuseFairly haunting. I like how to did the end, with the life-flashing-before-my-eyes thing, but then it turning out to be only an illusion. Caught me off-guard, nice twist =) Anyway yeah, is this were to be a song, I'd want to hear it ^.^ Moon's Poetess |