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| Written 2008-02-22 ch 1,  | abusethere's a few grammar things here and there, but I like your use of semicolons and dashes... that makes me sound like a huge nerd, doesn't it :) a few of your words come across as a little awkward to me. 'smelt' made me laugh, because I'm studying chem and smelting is a chemical reduction that you do with metal. I know that you mean it as 'smelled', and you DIDNT make a mistake. it's just that our english usage is different. 'smelt' is more common in british english, and smelled is more common in american, as far as I can tell, though some americans say 'smelt' also. it's kind of a dialect thing... Okay, don't kill me. I'm just a huge nerd. And I talk a lot? In my state, we NEVER say 'leant' so that one stuck out a lot. again, not your fault. apparently we just speak weird english where I live. Please don't kill me for that long rambling bit. I'm sorry! I really like it so far and I hope you write more, so that I have more plot things to talk about instead of rambling on about word usage in different parts of the english speaking world. |
| figmentation 2008-02-19 ch 1, | abuseCouple things: first paragraph, "summer" shouldn't be capitalised and you don't need a comma before the "and" (pretty much ditto for every ', and' you've got in this piece). In the second paragraph "had departed already - were either" you don't need the 'were'. Overall, it's an interesting prologue but the thing is, nothing really "happens" per se that I think I'll see later in the story? This could be the first chapter and much longer if you added a little more, particularly about exactly where she was going and what she would be doing that summer. It's a little "empty" as it stands. That being said, I do look forward to the next chapter and seeing what happens. figmentation |