Reviews for You Left - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: You Left

Jon Blue 2008-02-21 ch 1,	abuseokay...hmm...see I wanna know more about why the father kept leaving, how did he return, when did he return and under what circumstances, but at the same time it adds a little mystery to the poem, making it like a puzzle the first line works, but you have to make us sink our teeth into the poem __You turned your back on us the second line is too repetitive of a phrase, you should try playing with writing, don't play with phrases that others have cultivated, you have to put in your own style. the same for the third, typical parent leaving story, this has to be different, unique to your poem, so you need to pack some serious fudge into it, and make us see why this father is such a **. __You packed a bag and drove make this more personal, what kind of bag was it, maybe like a big hefty bag? make the son seem like he cares about him... __When I was seventeen, you left. say something different gets a little too similar, and makes it seem like you don't have much of a vocabulary, show us how many words you know, say it differently, add in a metaphor, put some power into your lines. __You said she wasn’t what you wanted That you didn’t want responsibility That it was time to live for yourself. yes, that works, makes him seem like he's man-child. not sure about the ending, but it works at least for the story in the poem's sake. anyway keep up the good work.
AQuietObserver 2008-02-21 ch 1,	abusePowerful. I like you transitions- different years throughout your life. It's good :)
Moon-Chaser 2008-02-20 ch 1,	abuseI like the way that you wrote this, flowing through your life, you express yourself so well, very matter of fact. Somehow that makes it worse, because it makes it so much more real to me. The like the way that you structured this as well. Wonderfully done. Keep it up.

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