FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| XxXKristie marieXxX 2008-05-15 ch 1,  | abuseI love how its all depressing in the begining but at the end its happy. Everyone always hopes for a happy ending. Glad you found someone to bring you out of your depressive state. Awsome poem! xKristie Mariex |
| simpleplan13 2008-02-21 ch 1, | abuseI like how you describe being numb, but dont say it until the second stanza... the rhyming is really great and I love the last stanza it's incredibly sweet |
| heartbroken922 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abusethis is really good. very nice rhythm and such. great job. |
| purple x pen 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abusewow, when i started reading this i expected another cliche release of morbid emotions, and im happy to say that im slowly getting over this phase, but whoa, 'i feel alive when im loving you' this piece is beatiful, and i can relate to it very well. the ending left me breathless, something that hasnt happened in a while, so yeah amazing work, keep writing! |
| soosie 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abuseWOW. That was amazing. |
| chocobabeh 2008-02-20 ch 1, anon. | abusethis poem is just amazing baby. i fell happy for doing my job...but im sad i cant be there all the time. when we move out all the feelings above the last stanza will dissapear ^^;; |
| doctor's diagnosis 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abuseThe ending is pretty. The rhyme occasionally feels a little forced. Maybe try some less ordered form, like having a different number of lines in different stanzas, that way it would be less stiff. Anyways, I can definately relate to this. Cheers, Rachel |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-02-20 ch 1, | abuseCouple thoughts: 1. L2 - "or go outside" instead of "I don't go outside", just to get rid of the repetition. 2. "My heart is numb" is venturing steeply into cliched territory. I'd think about rephrasing it. 3. "I just wait for dead" is also a little cliched but more melodramatic than anything. Tone it down a little? 4. L4 of stanza three - "running" instead of "runs" Overall, I think the rhyme scheme is holding you back a little from using more interesting imagery. It's an overdone premise but can be made interesting with more specific and vivid imagery. An injection of that would really pull this up. Good luck, Midnight |