   Legend of Shadows 2009-06-11 . chapter 26XC from SRWUG here, having read your first story.
Sorry that I can't point out too many specific points; I'll reread segments if you'd like clarification on a point. Also, get a drink or something, I'm pushing the character limit.
First, to get the fanboying out of the way - I really, honestly enjoyed this. Probably one of the most fun reads I've had in a good while. Magical girl stories are already fun when done right, and I love a well-written inversion of the things I like.
I'd like to point out that my favorite stories tend to be ones where the characters are the strong point, and I love your cast.
Mizuki is wonderful. Magical girl main character who can be mean and bitter, and doesn't mind killing her enemies. Her love of irony, raw stubbornness, awesome attacks like Makai Wrecking, and general cleverness are all high points of the character. Her dedication to Minako was touching, and her otherwise aloof but loyal nature sets her apart without making her very difficult to relate to, especially for someone who perfectly understands wanting alone time and independence. Putting someone so dark at the center of what was essentially a magical girl story could have been a disaster of either false 'bad assness' or angst, but she came off as a very genuine and overall well-developed character, becoming a bit more friendly and open without going unrealistically far. Sometimes the roughness was a bit much, especially her attitude towards Asuka, but it turned out good in the end.
Minako... Minako, I have to admit, was mostly entertaining to me because of the other characters. Maybe it's just that her character was most like what you usually see in the genre, but she felt a bit flat character at times. Fortunately, she got a lot out of her relationship with Mizuki, and was certainly sympathetic enough to get the desired 'd'aw' out of me. And she's at worst a solid handling of her character type. I do, however, love the cross country/track star aspect, and you did a good job getting the feel of a runner down when writing about it - are you a runner too, or was it just a case of getting in someone's head?
Asuka was a character I knew I would like almost from the start. While 'rich-** who's really not a bad person' is something I've seen plenty of, I got a good impression that she'd be different. Certainly, she could be shallow, and annoyingly insistent on following the unwritten social rules - and Mizuki's bad attitude didn't help. Despite that, I loved her cleverness even before her other redeeming factors came to light, and as her attitude towards her friends was built up, I found myself liking her more and more. The scenes with Natassia towards the end were some of the best friendship scenes in the story.
I liked Horoki, I really did. The knowledge of magical girl tropes and application to the situations at hand were well-played without being laid on too thick. She was quirky, but not a caricature - a trap that many writers fall into. Still, she seemed the least involved of the three regalia girls. Granted, making every character oozing with depth is unreasonable, and I really enjoyed her place in the story - while not the most impressive character, I wouldn't really change anything about her, and the Advanced Reverse Judgment scene... that was pretty awesome.
I'll come right out and say that Akane was my favorite character. Sure, she wasn't a whole lot more developed than Horoki (again not really faulting you for it), but she was just so entertaining. Her thought processes were fun to watch in action - maybe a function of me thinking a bit like her - and her cautious aggression was endearing. The lab coat was also endearing, of course, and her insistence on not letting her transformation take it away. Of course, it was her spirited nature that really got me. Her enthusiasm for wanting to know things was fairly infectious, and her fight with Camilla was one of the biggest ** YEAR moments in the story.
Soma... well, as I've seen you have a lot more in store for him. In this story, he was very much a supporting character, so I can't judge him too well, but I'm glad that he's a 'nice guy' without being a cliche wet-blanket type, at least as far as I can tell.
Your earlier villains were pretty much cliche cackling evil, but that was pretty much necessary. Throwing the weighty villains around right off the bat wouldn't have been as much fun or as good for tension building, and they did a good job of being really nasty and then getting killed. Good variety of fighting styles without going crazy either.
The Shiko were a fine 'four generals' sort of group. Yoko was damn stubborn, just like Mizuki, and a good foil for her to fight. Granted, I'd say their fight dragged on too much, but at least it fit the characters. Isabelle was the most obviously villainous of the crowd at first, and the combination of manipulator and just plain crazy was pretty fun to watch (and watch get killed). Camilla... whoo boy. Not much to say besides that I guess. She deserved a pretty nasty end.
Natassia, of course, can get her own paragraph. Actually, I think you wrote her very well despite her lack of exposure. She was the only of the Shiko who came off as genuinely not a bad person prior to the revelation, and I honestly found it hard to see her as a villain. Sure enough, despite what she told Asuka, she really had thought her a friend to some degree at least, and the rest was her pacifistic nature. Anyways, it's good for at least one villain to switch sides in a story, as Horoki pointed out, and I'm glad she got a good ending.
Matei Syn, or Jun, was interesting. Also Bian Zoldark to some degree, only alive after everything was said and done. Her sense of irony and twisted sense of humor were entertaining, and for a bit it was hard to tell just what she was really getting at, so good job on that.
Loretta Brauner. Didn't like her from the start. If that was your intention, good job, because 'destiny rants' are a surefire way to get me angry at a character (see: Neji from Naruto). While certainly not... horrible before the big reveals, she was far too unyielding to be very likable as a person. As a villain, she accomplished being a ** very well. Manipulative over a long period of time, and with children no less. Her motivations weren't the most clear, but that's probably just me thinking that people who rant about destiny and all that are hard to take too seriously. Effective though, and of course there's more story and more villains to come.
The overall plot was entertaining. While the ideas involved have certainly been done in one way or another, the characters involved and the overall execution felt pretty fresh and unique. Referring to characters by their relation to the plot when switching to their view was effective foreshadowing, and I'm ashamed that I didn't catch the jewel/mirror/sword thing the moment it showed up. The use of Shinto mythology was fairly tight - it fit with the feel of the stories, while weaving its own story at the same time, and not contradicting anything big enough for me to catch. I liked that it was used as a foundation to a story that was very much its own, instead of merely rewriting a myth in modern times, and the regalia trio's relations to the items was thoughtful and not too blatantly direct.
Even more central, of course, was the dichotomy between light and dark. Ideas about the two being reliant on one another are neither new nor terribly uncommon (The first Shadow Hearts used this to good effect). It's a good thing, then, that it's such a versatile thematic element in the right hands. While the bonding between Minako and Mizuki could have probably been paced better - it seemed to build up very quickly (which can be attributed to tons of things, including factors Minako herself pointed out), it felt natural. Their personalities weren't just a case of an author writing an 'opposites attract' story; they each represented their side of light and dark in their outlook and way of thinking, without being total opposites of one another. They simply compliment one another, Mizuki's independence filling in for Minako's tendency to worry, and Minako's gentleness tempering Mizuki's harshness, without either clashing, or feeling like it should clash - a testament to the balance of the characters.
I could probably bring up more points, but I'm running out of room. You could certainly use a good editor - there are missing and misplaced words and grammar errors, as well as a few unclear statements, that would be better cleared up by someone other than the writer (it's rare that there isn't). I may go back and offer a more critical analysis of specific points in the future, but for now - adding story to my favorites, and sitting on my impressions for a bit before reading the next story.
Ciao,
XC |
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