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| Saint Blaze 2008-06-07 ch 1,  | abuseawesome! really funny. it made a pleasant read. |
| squiggle-line 2008-04-05 ch 1, | abuseIn case you're wondering about the randomness of this review...I stumbled upon your profile (and this story) through youtube. The 'developing feelings for your friend' plot is written a lot but this story is definitely something different. The narrator doesn't focus much on why he likes Jane, just that he does. You do an excellent job of conveying the narrator's frustration and recklessness. I feel bad for him at the end. For such a short piece, it's remarkable that you were able to create such a strong connection between the reader and the character. I think the flashback at Subway needs to be anchored to a more specific moment than "one time." When did the scene take place exactly? Is he upset because his friends are saying bad and untrue things about Jane...or is he upset because his friends are saying bad but true things about her? How close is Elijah to his friends? I don't think Joe needs to be in the scene. He only has one line and could remain nameless. I wanted to know a little more about the background between Jane and Jack. Jane tells Elijah that she doesn't like Jack anymore but they're still dating. Has she changed her mind or is she the type of girl that wants to be in a relationship even though it's not working? How does Jack feel about Jane? About Elijah? A lot of things don't get addressed and I think if you do flesh out the situation a little more, it would make the impact of Elijah's realization even stronger. Great writing, smooth phrases. Nice. |