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| MC Tane 2008-03-27 ch 4, anon. | abuseBeautiful, I believe. A little short, and the sentences are at times choppy. But it's lovely. |
| Mizz-Insane 2008-02-22 ch 1,  | abuseHey, I saw you advertize your story on LJ, so I thought I'd check it out... As I read through it, I'll point out any mistakes, and then when I'm done, I'll tell you what I think of the whole thing :) Mistakes: -"My published asked for me to give it to him," should be, "My publisher asked me to give it to him." -"the hostess stated, her voice between the fine line of breaking down." To me, it didn't make much sense. I got what you meant, but it was kinda awkwardly phrased. Maybe if you wrote something along the lines of, "the hostess stated, her voice seeming to be on the brink of a break down," it'd make more sense... but that's just what I think :) -"She took in a deep breath," should be, "She took a deep breath..." -"She smiled, light radiating around her, and opened her mouth to speak." Who smiled here? The woman or Fawcett? Now, onto the story itself :) First of all, the story's VERY intruiging, very innovative, and amazingly well-written... I'm definitely adding it to my story alert :D. However, I noticed that in the beginning, when John's daughter opens the door, it seems like she's happy, 'cause you said things like, "she chirped," and, "The smile fell off her face." If her father'd just passed away, I don't think she'd be happy, if you know what I mean. But other than that, this is a phenomenal story, and I hope you update soon. Sarah :) x PS - Whenever you have time, would you mind checking out and reviewing my story, Fire and Ice? Thank you :) |