FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| starleaf 2008-04-18 ch 1,  | abuseYou really have this knack for writing little one- or two-liners that take my breath away, haha. Darling I love you. But this can't make a home. |
| ecwix 2008-02-29 ch 1, | abuseHey, not bad! There's just one line I don't completely understand. "Yet you mumble you are mine to keep on heavy breath." I don't really know what you're getting at here, and that fact annoys me. :P Another thing I'd like to say is that, although it really is quite good already, perhaps a bit of streamlining in the beginning can make the story a tad bit more effective. For a story so short, you seem to spend an awful long time lingering on no one else loving the drunk. Oh yeah, that reminds me. Maybe it's just my own personal taste, but at the end of your first paragraph, it feels weird for me to read "the drunk" as the last two words of two consecutive sentences. Perhaps an alternative wording could help? I don't know. But yeah, not bad. I was easily able to pick up on the feelings you are trying to convey at the end, and your last sentences really drive the point home. :) Great job! |
| daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2008-02-21 ch 1, | abusei like how you didn't try to keep the lines of the poem short, it's different really well written, keep it upXD |