Reviews for Intertwined - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Intertwined - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Midnight In Eden 2008-07-26 ch 1,	abuseReview Marathon Prize =] First of all I like the simplicity and brevity of this piece. It could have a few more detailed touches but it works as a succinct poem. That said, I'd like to see a little more connection in the first stanza. Right now it feels like a list and you could easily weave those verb lines into each other i.e. "My happiness was weaved into you,/your touch controlling my mind/and your eyes captivating..." (I'd be a little more specific there too, instead of just "me"). All up though, this was a good meditation on the end of a relationship. It didn't venture into cliched territory and felt honest, very human. Midnight
Unhappy Squirrel 2008-07-04 ch 1,	abuseI love end to that. I like how you just left it with no explanation. If you had made it longer or tried to do anything with 'what happened?' it just wouldn't have seemed right. But this is perfectly done.
Moon's Poetess 2008-07-02 ch 1,	abuseThis is so simple and yet so astoundingly good. For some reason I like how the first lines got shorter and shorter, as if something was coming to an end... and the last lines, "You were my heart; I was your blood" only struck me a few seconds after reading them. The only thing I didn't like about it was the word "infeasible". Otherwise... yeah XD Awesome.
Ghost Planet 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseHere's your review. Terribly sorry, but I forgot that rule. - I really like the concept of this. It shows how attached and what the person was feeling when they were with this other person. It shows emotions and the last line I really like. There's just something about it. I really like it. -x-Eilish
Esther Jade 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseReview game! (This is my first time trying poetry depth so let's see if I can cover enough categories). Overall, I like it. It's well-written, it draws you in and it has a nice, poignant ending. The flow is good as the connections between each stanza are strong - except for the final one, which should be jarring. The structure works for me. The first stanza establishes the connection between the title and the poem's theme. The second encapsulates it. The third gives it a new image to convey the theme though. And the fourth has the little twist. I really liked the rhythm that held throughout most of the poem. The second line of the first stanza and the first two of the third are particularly nice. The third line of the first stanza felt like it was missing a syllable though. I think it would be a good idea to make sure the rhythm is consistent throughout because it makes the final stanza that much more discordant. First stanza: I like the word choice of "weaved" in the first line. It creates a great bridge between the title and first and second stanzas. I also like the way you talk about how different aspects of him affected you. I did think that the description of the eyes being captivating was a bit cliched. Second stanza: Lovely encapsulation. I like "entity" as a word choice here. Third stanza: Love the overall image of this stanza. It makes this stanza my favourite. It makes think of siamese twins. The choice of him as your heart and you as his blood is interesting, though I'm not quite sure what you're hinting at with it. Fourth stanza: I love the straightforward poignancy. I would take it out of italics though because the italics draw the reader's eyes towards it and so it comes as less of a surprise because, for me anyway, it was the first thing I read. Okay, I think I've covered enough categories. Let me know if I need to give you more and I'll PM you. ;)
asylum writer 2008-03-20 ch 1,	abuseSo, this is for winning the review marathon. I never really critique poetry, so I'm sorry in advance if it's not helpful. I can see how important the two were to each other. Intertwined was a good word choice for that. The places where you separated between stanzas were well chosen. I like the irony of "separation was infeasible" followed up by "what happened?"
fatbird33 2008-03-15 ch 1,	abusei really liked the last line. because in the beginning i was like ohh this is sappy, but NO twas not!! yeah!! and i really like the word infeasable used here. the 'i was your blood' was a little odd, but overall very nice job. review marathon prizes are fun, aren't they?
Captain Lucky 2008-03-14 ch 1,	abuseI really liked this poem and the idea (it seemed to me) of 'how did we get here?' or, as you said 'what happened?' at the end. I liked the way you wrote this as if two people were actually literally one. by the way, sorry you couldn't understand that poem - it was a bit cryptic. =) CL
A Perfect Sonnet 2008-03-04 ch 1,	abuseI wish it were longer and a little more in-depth. It feels like you're selling the obvious emotion a little short. Than again, I tend to like somewhat longer poems, so it's part personal preference too. "Weaved" sounds like it should be "woven" instead. I could be wrong (I'm not spectacular with technical things), but I think it would sound more fluid that way. Weaved is also a harsher word, just because of the "ea" sound. "Oh" (as in woven) is almost always a smoother, more pleasant sound. Poetically I liked a few of your word choices: weaved (although I think the change in tense would improve it), intertwined, infeasible. But otherwise, I thought most of your choices were too common and overused. They didn't really help the piece out very much. Again, this is a personal preference. If you were searching for something vague and universal, then you're fine. But I prefer more visual and personal wording. Why not be more specific? Tell us why this person was your heart and your blood. You're not bothering to give the reader a reason to care about the information you're giving us and honestly, it feels a little lazy on your part. Like you don't care enough to make it interesting for us. And that's one thing if it's true, if this is private poetry written only for you, but I don't think that's the case. At least not fully, since you're sharing it with FP and therefore making it public poetry. I'd like to see a balance between the two -private and public poetry, that is. You can definitely do both and I think it makes it much more interesting when you do. Otherwise, I think the pace and the rhythm were both nice. Your stanzas were well thought out and those breaks are definitely an asset to the piece. The italics add an important bit of interest and are helpful to the simplicity. It was nice and carefully written, but I wish there had been some more complex elements in it -especially concerning your use of language.
Otseis Ragnarok 2008-03-02 ch 1,	abuseAnd here's your reward! I like the use of the word "intertwined", it envokes a nice image. I take it thisother person was a woman? I doubt a man could enrapture another like this (or that you are gay/female). The best is the line at the end, "what happened?" It really sums up the whole experience of a failed relationship that you believed in.Overall, I've been thetre, and the topic is cliche at best... But thatwasn't badif you just check all preconceived notions beforehand... In short: good, but not great.
smile for the sunshine 2008-03-01 ch 1,	abuseaw, so simply put but so deep in meaning. i like this a lot. you could have made it longer, but i think that it is still beautiful the way it is. i am in the mood to read love/hate poems. this one was great. =]
HelpWanted11 2008-02-29 ch 1,	abuseI love this poem. You have achieved an emotive quality and imagery in this piece, which makes you an awesome writer. I also love the fact that you ended the poem with a question. It makes the poem so much more thought-provoking. Anyway, amazing piece. Keep writing, HelpWanted11
groovacious 2008-02-27 ch 1,	abuseI like it-the language was great and I like your choice of words.
Takhisis 2008-02-26 ch 1,	abuseThis poem is nice, i only wish it was longer..
i.am.pockets 2008-02-25 ch 1,	abuseGood. I usually enjoy simple-ish, short poems like this. I agree, it's not exactly your best, but I like it. The only thing you might want to work on in this one is the way you explain things. This happens to me ALL the time. You have a really good idea, but can't seem to get the exact message across. I love your poems. Keep it up.

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