Be careful of switching from present to past tense. Pick one, and stick with it.

I would have liked to see some more descriptions added in. Right now, there is a lot of dialog; it would be nice to break that up with some narrative description here and there.

Also, be careful of your paragraphing. I noticed that you weren't starting new paragraphs where they should be.

With some editing, I think the story has potential to be decent. Just work on further developing your characters and plot.

Um...can you remember to keep it in either past or present tense? It gets confusing otherwise. That aside, great story!