Reviews for Breaking the Tempest: Childe Teldumor's Legend

Reviews For: Breaking the Tempest: Childe Teldumor's Legend - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Ash Algood 2008-08-08 ch 15,	abusewait was this teh lst chapter? i stopped reading part way through nd i'll send u a pm with teh rest of my review, cuz i dont want 2 spoil this in a review, if this is teh last chapter i dont want 2 spoil teh good name of Teldumor
Tar Heel 2008-08-06 ch 1,	abuseHey. This is a very interesting chapter, and I must say I enjoy your writing style. There are a few hiccups here and there (which are to be expected), but overall the story itself is interesting. You throw us right into the plot, introducing concepts very quickly, which is both good and bad. It is good for the intensity factor, but it makes it somewhat hard to keep a grasp on what's going on. I had to reread some parts, which, from my experience, generally means things are a bit unclear, or moving too fast. I also think you could really expand on Lucus' thoughts here. It is telling that he shot his friend but then went back to save him, but seems a little unrealistic. He had been planning on breaking into this huge prison just to kill this man, and as an assassin, wasn't prepared for what he'd have to do? And then saving him instead of killing him? I understand exactly why it happens, I'm just not completely convinced. Maybe you expand on this later, but a little more reasoning behind the drastic changes in Lucas' thoughts would help this. It's a great dramatic situation to be in, and I think you could really make a great chapter on it. As of right now though, I don't think that part is quite there. Still, I was pleased with this chapter. A little more description might be apt in some places, and you could try and build the tension in the ending a bit more, but overall, it was good. I look forward to reading the rest.
Ash Algood 2008-07-18 ch 14,	abuseWoah, taht was awesomeness Vernon. I feel sry 4 Haceven, nd Delor. This is a really good, story, but its equally depressing. How many more chapters r their 2 teh exciting conclusion?
Ash Algood 2008-07-15 ch 13,	abuseWell i was totally confused. Teh whole thing with Lenix made my head spin. He's a prototype? Enyways aside from taht it made sense nd i cant wait 4 u 2 finish htis!
Nathan Ridge 2008-06-28 ch 1,	abuseThis was a surprising read, mostly for the climactic plot line; it's something rarely seen on the chapter level, even in published works. I liked how the beginning of the chapter started out very slow, calm even, and then progressed to a slightly more elevated state, and finally concluded with a dramatic description of Teldumor's captivity. That description was by far the best part of the whole thing, however that isn't to say the rest of the chapter lagged behind where descriptions are concerned. Overall, the descriptions were superior to an average adult's writing. Generally, people use simple verbs and the occasional simile to denote whatever they're attempting to describe, yet you surpassed this trend in the first paragraph of "Breaking the Tempest: Childe Teldumor's Legend". I applaud your frequent use of unique verbs, such as "swung," "whirled," and "rationalize"; whereas most people paint with color-by-numbers, your verbs have given you the ability to paint the Sistine Chapel. Unlike most authors, amateur and professional, you attempt to incorporate figurative language in your writing. Some of your metaphors were a little funky, but you made up for the awkward ones with just as many flawless examples of metaphors in non-poetic fictional writing. Besides, I'll be the first to admit that metaphors in prose, novel-writing, and anything not a poem are thumbscrews; I'm sure I've personally screwed up hundreds of metaphors. But, I digress. Back on the topic of figurative language, I noticed a generous serving of oxymorons (always a fun literary tool!), and there were a few examples that I was particularly fond of. One such example, was almost too subtle to be an oxymoron, but I liked it anyways: "The low moan grew into a soft howl of agony that barely left his maw." As for the actual content of the chapter, I have a fair deal to comment on. Usually, I'm all for throwing the reader headfirst into the story before anything else really happens, but here, perhaps some of the excitement could be spread out. I got the gist of the quarrel that ensued over the "religious" statements; Felix getting shot was rather hectic; Teldumor was rescued with an emphasis on the possible repercussions of his rescue. Frankly, it was a lot of stuff to chuck in the audience's lap. If you'd rather not work with my last suggestion (which is perfectly fine), then you might want to consider doing one of two things. The first thing that could help is to postpone the introduction of one or two of the characters. Given the circumstances of this chapter, I understand that may not be a possibility. Instead, the other thing you could do to help ease the tension on the audience's ADD is spend a few more paragraphs characterizing everyone. You did pretty well describing each character's appearance and armaments, but with the exception of De'Lor and maybe Teldumor, there wasn't much blatant information on each character's personality, actions, or reasons for whatever they were doing. True, this is only the first chapter, but more information couldn't hurt. Overall, it was a satisfying read--definitely one of the better works on Fiction Press. It had that whole deep science fiction feel to it, but that is by no means a bad thing.
Ash Algood 2008-06-25 ch 12,	abuseIt's about time Felix woke up, nd of course u used a cliffhanger. enyways that was interesting u get 2 learn a bit about Margo, Corda, nd Felix r together, the only thing we're missing is Lucas, I war rereading this story nd i realized how much i liked him
Ash Algood 2008-06-23 ch 11,	abuse“I now pronounce you man and wife, I’ll wait in the car.” That was funny. Is Lennix based off the bishop? Anyways i thought that was intersting Zallen kept his promise to DeLor jut not in a good way.
Ash Algood 2008-04-20 ch 10,	abusewas it me or was this chapter shorter then the others? i dont know it just didnt seem as entertaining as the others but still you doa very good job at writing
Ash Algood 2008-04-19 ch 9,	abuseur writing just blows me out of the water garret thought i was good wait till he sees u. at lteast Felix is alive nd hes a vampire thats cool i thought he was dead enyway like i said keep up the good work so i have someone to compete against (nd lose 2)
militarymiko13 2008-04-01 ch 2,	abuseHmm so Teldumor loves two women? what a player! jk! I love the story like I told Kayla you ppl make me feel so insignificant T^T. I luv just about everything in the story. U r a genius Vernon can't wait to read the rest! ^ ^
Ash Algood 2008-03-26 ch 8,	abusei hate u vernon, u killed Lucas nd now Felix (unless of course he makes it out alive, or becomes a vampire becuse that would b awesome)
Ash Algood 2008-03-24 ch 7,	abusewait a minute isn't Haceven the guy you told me about (i'm not gonna spoil enything) but doens't he hate Teldumor?
Ash Algood 2008-03-13 ch 1,	abusethis is teh only chapter i havent reviewed nd i cant od so 4 the new nd 'better" chapter five. I hate that they went to save Lucas nd killed him. They couldnt just look 4 a cure or something i mean come on vernon. U know i like Lucas, just don't kill Felix or i sware to both Azra, and Eithicas i will...do somethig.
Xerza 2008-03-09 ch 5,	abuseIf you ever decide to publish Teldumor let me know because I will be the first to buy it. Chapter four was extordaniary, and I'm glad you explained about the dragons. You still had a few grammar mistakes, but let's face it who doesn't. I have I different view of dragons(like their bullet prove, though its your story so I guess you can portray them however you like.
Ash Algood 2008-03-09 ch 5,	abuseu cant wright either vernon? yeah cuz im leaving soon me niether but once i get internet on my laptop i'll be writing again soon!

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