FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Silv3rDr34mS 2008-03-27 ch 1,  | abuseDo you really mean that the narrator here, the guy is seriously 10 years old? I got this from "I learnt she was only nineteen, only nine years older than me. Honestly I liked younger girls so that was another bonus." Did you mean to say that she was "only nine years (younger) than me."? Some people would think that it is a huge age gap and the 'only' wouldn't work too well there. If you really meant for your guy to be 10 years old, he hasn't even hit puberty yet. Later on, you tell us through the voice of your narrator that he's 28. So, you meant to say that this girl, Kendra, is nine years younger than you. This would make more sense. "How would Jade react when I tell her about Kendra?" hmm, I totally expected the opposite. Normally, someone would tell their current girlfriend/boyfriend about the other person you've been seeing and break up with their current in order to date the other person. So at this point, Kendra still doesn't know? "I went into the nearest internet café and logged onto my MSN to see (if) she was online." "one unopened email was in my inbox" The wording bothers me a little, perhaps change it to read 'an unread message in my inbox'? "that was the only answer I can come up with." Could, not can. "Most people would do crazy things in love but still there was no need to tell a major lie like that." People do crazy things for love, not in love. "Couldn’t she understand that what she put me through made me realise not to fall for someone on the internet?" small typo, realize with a z and not a s. "There were times I read her MSN message and I was outraged at what she put." Wrote is a better word than 'put' here. After reading this, it does sound cliched and all, but you meant for it to be that way. I'm not trying to be mean, but this sounds like a first draft. Did you read through it and make sure that the entire story agreed? I have a tendency to go comma happy and where I would have put commas, I didn't see any in this piece - it bothered me a little, but I think it can be negligible. Go back and run a fine comb through this and I think it'll be pretty good. =) ~silv3rdr34ms |