Reviews for Rebellion - FictionPress.com

Miss Toadstool
2008-03-02
ch 2,

abuseVery interesting so far! It's a lot of characters right from the start, but it's not distracting.

If you want really in depth con-crit, check out the sci-fi beta pages. If you 'hire' a beta, you'll be guaranteed to have at least one person reading your stuff with a critical eye, you know what I mean? A beta can also help you develop a sense of community or whatever, if that makes sense. Technically, they help with grammar and spelling, but they can also function as an editor- telling you how you're doing with characterization, flow, etc... and they can be good to bounce ideas off of.

just a suggestion. take care and keep writing!

Miss Toadstool
2008-02-26
ch 1,

abuseI'm reviewing as I go, so I'll hit on grammar first :)

"I know it is all their fault but you don't yet."

this sentence reads a little awkwardly! Try: "I know it's all their fault, but you don't know that yet."

I made 'it is' into a contracted form, and put in a comma. OH, and I inserted the word 'that', but it's just a stylistic choice, really.

Strange that Americans would choose to do an attack on North Korea using troops like that instead of just bombing them.

you have a pretty realistic way of showing the jump to armored suits, though it's still a really huge jump, and almost seems illogical. I think you could maybe explain it instead by saying that soldiers were given special suits, and that it eventually evolved into mecha, since that gives it a better evolution.

I just realized you don't really give a year on this? it's kind of odd, since the narrator is recounting historical events :)

Okay, I've just finished reading. First of all, it was a gripping story. The idea behind it is obviously quite frightening, so you've done a great job as far as that is concerned. good imagination!

secondly, however, I wonder if it's wise to begin a story with so much exposition? I think it hooks more readers to begin in the middle of the action, and then either break for explanations, or let the story explain itself as it goes on. your choice, of course.

It's a promising start, and you've clearly thought a lot of things out. I don't read nearly enough sci-fi, so hopefully you will write more!

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