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| Lurid Black 2008-03-15 ch 1,  | abuseTo be honest, I think your -more-so emotional- poems were better than this, you know that this is really great, but your other ones you've put emotion into are incredible |
| Esther Jade 2008-03-12 ch 1, | abuseI found the overall idea of this poem a bit vague. Is the gift saying "I Love You" or is it something else - that you're not telling us? If it something that isn't revealed in the poem, then I would maybe re-work the last few lines. If it is saying that, then it seems to contradict where you say that you gave him(?) all your heart and love - I know your point may be that you gave it and didn't say it but, if so, the reader isn't going to get it the first time reading it and even when re-reading it they're not going to be sure. That's my opinion, any way. My overall feelings toward the guy(?) are mixed. Your comment about it not sating "your love and your lust" makes it sound like the person cheated (maybe I'm just reading it that way and others wouldn't but that was the thing my mind immediately jumped too) but then that contradicts the idea of him protecting her. So, overall, I don't know if the picture of the person in question is clear - not necessarily a problem if you want to give a mixed picture (real life is seldom black and white). I thought the rhythm in the piece was really lovely. It worked very well - though I think clearer stanzas would help it (it feels like the first ten lines should be two five line stanzas and if you structured it that way the echoing rhythm would be more apparent). My favourite piece, in terms of rhythm, was "That is all to my own.//But your eyes pleading yes//And my mind pleading no." One other thing that I think would improve the rhythm further is if you put punctuation at the end of all the lines that aren't run-on lines. Because you start every line with a capital letter and have erratic punctuation, it's unclear which lines are enjambed and which are end-stopped and that upsets the rhythm. Also, the last word of the last line "mine" doesn't seem to fit the overall rhythm. This might be deliberate but I can't think why it would be. Anyway, this ended up being a lot longer than I intended. If it comes across as negative, then know that I would never spend so much time on something I didn't think was worth it. (Plus, you seem to have nice, natural rhythm which is just my favourite thing!) |
| Black Kettle Tea 2008-02-29 ch 1, | abuseomg. you are amazing. before i was writing stories i was trying poetry. and i got like a majillion flames so i changed my pen name (kinda like the witness protection program) and i started writing more stories. way to go you! |
| Sexy vampirechick 2008-02-26 ch 1, | abuseNice poem!You kept me wondering till the end what it was. |
| Storming Leaves 2008-02-26 ch 1, | abuseThis one youve taken just far enough, Yeah, the words "I Love You" are thrown around amoung adolescents way too much for my liking, i know exactly whre your comming from. Very good, communicated your feelings on it very well |
| 97thparis 2008-02-26 ch 1, | abusethis is amazing. luv it :) |