Reviews for The Storyteller - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Storyteller - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

Kraheera-Raven 2008-08-19 ch 11,	abuseThis is a wonderful story. I absolutely love her attitude as she relates little tidbits about things that have happened.
Dakota Watts 2008-07-30 ch 10,	abuseAll I have to say is wow... This story is absolutely amazing! Although I got confused at some points here and there, but you have done a great job. Expect more reviews from moi (although I'll probably keep saying the same thing XD). I can't wait for the next chapter!!
Singular Angel 2008-07-19 ch 10,	abuseI'm printing up this chapter (and praying it's not 20+ pages long) so that I can read it tonight! I'll send you a PM with the review tomorrow. Sends love
Singular Angel 2008-07-01 ch 9,	abuseEllo deary! I FINALLY got my emails from FP (like there were 10). :P Anyway, this chapter is lovely as always. I'm glad I could inspire you to write this. I'm still in awe of how you can write SO much in such a short time. Average word count for my chapters is about 3,200 but yours is at last 70! I don't get it! AH! Also, my phone bill was just fine so if you ever need a boost to start writing again, and your ear talked off to a bloody stump, give me a call on weekends and my after nine. Anyway, beginning of the chapter is a tad confusing because it's a lot of he saw him then, she saw him then, they saw them then, etc, etc. It gets okay again when the information from the guards comes in though. Heehee, I love her conclusion: men. Brilliant. :) Towards the middle, your writing gets a bit sloppy and there's quite a few grammar mistakes. Normally I don't care about this but I thought I'd let you know because during her lesson with Leander, it makes some parts hard to understand. Also, I was laughing because you use the European versions of words like colour. It's okay to write in our gimpy American ways. You can save all that for publishing because switching back in forth probably isn't great. Oh yeah! Also, my second cousin from Canada works for a publishing house that runs Luna Publishing which my favorite book The Charmed Sphere is published under! She decides which books get published or not. Unfortunately, they're only excepting urban fantasy right now which is apparently like big-city fantasy stories. Doesn't make sense to me either. Still, I have connections in high places. My daddy just got home from Canada and when he told me that, I nearly blew a fuse! Aw... What's the the whole Leander lovey thingy. She's going to end up with Kai! -Drills this thought into your head- RIGHT? :( -Pouts- I like the dragon scene though I forget who Clymar is. Wow, I fail... Yeah, again with the 'favour'. It's entirely British but some of your 'or' endings aren't put into the British way and it makes inconsistancy. Either all or none dear. There are other words too like practice is actually practise in British English. AH! So many names between the dragons and the peoples and AH! Bit confusing love. Also, I feel you should add more about the flight. Like she's never flown before (right?) and I assume it would be a marvelous experience. Oh dear... More names... -Cringes- Behaviour... It continues... And it especially puts a damper on things because you say practice the American way in the very next paragraphy thingy. Haha, sorry, it's humorous and kinda irksome. Minor things dear, minor things, don't worry about your dear little Angela. Overall, lovely chapter. I would do some research on British variations if you plan on writing your story like that because the inconsistancy bugged me insanely for some reason (I'm weird like that). I enjoyed this chapter and I know it's only half over (bring the WOW factor!). The Leander stuff was exciting although she's going to end up with Kai. Lovely chapter, you know I'm in love with this story! Keep it up love! -Angela
Harmonic Discord 2008-06-29 ch 9,	abuseReview game! I like how I can jump into this story without having read the other chapters and still have a pretty good idea what's going on. Nicely done. My only problem was that I was a little overwhelmed by all the characters - you seem to have a LOT. Then again, this is chapter 9. I want to congratulate you - your writing flows really smoothly and is easy to read, with a good balance of description and dialogue. Your narrator has an wonderful tone - humorous and sarcastic. The footnotes are fun and really add a lot to the story. Your characters - at least, Adrienne and Leander (I can't really say for the others just yet) - seem fairly balanced and likeable. I really liked the description of Adrienne using her power through the panther - such a unique idea, and I could picture it really well. Your other ideas (ice phoenixes?) seem quite interesting as well and make me want to go back and read the other chapters... Watch out for dialogue - some of your punctuation is off (see below for a few examples). A great source that I found recently was 'Ruatha's Grammar Review' (/s/1722620/2/Ruathas_Grammar_Review on fictionpress) which has a really good section on punctuating dialogue. On a side note - this chapter is REALLY long! You might want to consider breaking it down a little... I mean, you've already broken it down, and it's STILL super-long... hmm... Minor points: "I had much the same reaction to this announcement that I’d had to Elderayne’s ‘Brethren’ fthe evening before" -- "fthe"? Well, I saw him yesterday, but it was only for like ten minutes. That’s why I’m asking you(1)f.” -- "f"? We have people in this castle whose sole purpose lay in figuring these things out, all right? -- I think "lay" (past tense) should be "lies" (present tense) Clenching my teeth, I forced myself to nod my head and agree(2), wishing dearly that I could give in to Lilah’s demands(3)f. -- "f"? however, I took a step forward, wrapped my arms around the man’s waits, and pressing my face against his torso, and began to cry(6) -- "waits"? I think you meant "waist" This led me to a not-so-new conclusion, reached by women at the dawn of time. Men. -- Chuckle “I see no reason why not(,)” (h)e said almost condescendingly Whatever me had decided she was becoming a queen smiled as she her train was held up by a small girl -- An errant "she" seems to have slipped into the sentence When the princes, Rekhyt and I arrived, Cylmar was busy pacing back and forth, watched by a silent-as-ever Callista, while Fallon stood with his arm around Jasper’s waist(8)f -- I think fpress is adding extra fs in there or something... weird True to his word, she was pretty enough, wearing a white, entirely impractical white dress, -- The repetition of "white" seems a little redundant... “Cylmar, please, manners(,)” (h)is mother said exasperatedly.
Xephia 2008-06-27 ch 9,	abuse'...‘Brethren’ fthe...' I don't think that the 'f' is meant to be there ^^ '“As things stand, we don’t have the slightest idea as to their location.” Klavier continued' should be: ...their location,” Klavier continued...' Note the comma instead of the full stop? it should be there whenever you are describing how someones says something, whether you be saying 'she said' or 'he replied' or whatever. If it's an action following the spoken word, i.e, '"Okay." Bob nodded, but his face was expressionless.' You got it right here; “So,” Leander said, clapping his hands, “your first Magicka lesson.” Apart from that - nice story! Juts the few grammatical mistakes =] You might want to consider finding a Beta Reader to help you with the Grammar.
The Good Reviewer 2008-06-14 ch 2,	abuseHere are your mistakes, although you told me you know of them: ...while I was a freshman, and bec(a)me friends. ...Lundic appeared far closer to...I think 'far to close' would sound better, A mere two of them returned...-mere makes it sound like 50 people entered and only two returned. I flipped it flipped open to a page in the center...repeat! Those are the only mistakes I found. I like the footnotes, sorta, the annoyed me at first, but then I started to like them. I got a little more insight into her thoughts. People worry that making a perfect character will hurt their story, but I rather like the fact that she is so pretty and everyone likes her. If she wasn't vain, I wouldn't like it as much. This was a long chapter, but it was overwhelming which is good. A lot of things happened in this chapter, so good job. It didn't really feel like their was unneseccary fillers. I won't be reading any more tonight. I will deff. try to read another chapter tomorrow, so I'll see you then! Choa!
The Good Reviewer 2008-06-14 ch 1,	abuseJust a few rushed mistakes torwards the end. ...incomprehensible fashion The situation ... A period is missing! gasp :) But also to allow the words to be thought merely the fanciful images of a place that exists only in my mind...It sounds broken up, perhaps change the second the to as and it might sound better. It was may dream of having my work known that set my adventures in motion -may should be my and there needs to be a period at the end. Not that many mistakes! I really like how you started out your story. Most people jump right into the dialouge (I do all the time.) And you actually took the time to start your story the way it should be. I applaud you. I also like the way she is thinking. (I assuming it's a woman and if it isn't, then that's something you can do to make sure people know the sex of your character.) People ALWAYS are thinking about something. Never is their mind blank without a thought. Most stories on fictionpress don't write to many of their character's thoughts, so it's nice to know what a character is thinking. I'm babbling. You also have a way with words, you have your own style of writing. Usually people copy their favorite writers, but I can't really place yours. I will read the next chapter in a few hours. :)
Singular Angel 2008-06-13 ch 8,	abuseOkay, let's see. Your note in the beginning was a bit harsh. I don't think this chapter is necesarily bad. It just seemed a bit OFF to me. I'll explain what I mean in one long paragraph so that friggin FP doesn't hack up my review again. The beginning isn't as funny as the story normally is. Adrienne's normal dry humor is missing somehow. Also your word choice doesn't seem really you. It doesn't flow. "aforementioned woman’s face" this for example. It didn't seem quite natural. Fancy, but not "Storyteller" novel natural. "In return, I got a glare that gave a whole new meaning to ‘if looks could kill’." This is when it picks up again though so it's not that bad. A blue pheonix? Interesting... ? Haha, that's actually really cool cuz it's not steryotypical and such. Oh, ice pheonix. Got it. Haha, sorry, I'm writing this as I read. And oh no... Here come all the names again. I'm having trouble with all of them. It might just be me but it's something to possibly look over? You picked a bit of an awkward time to describe the pheonix though... Perhaps move the description, because it's lovely, to when he first hatched? Just a suggestion. You never have to listen to me dear! Hmm, the Musicka scene wasn't my favorite. It seemed uneventful. Nobody died, yelled, told a dry joke, tripped, ran into something, or had one of those sparkly fantasy moments. I think this may be the first scene in the novel like this so though it definately isn't bad, it's not my favorite. Aw, Leanders a sweetheart but I miss Kai. He reminds me of my love, who is also my best friend in the whole world, like mentioned in my last review which may or may not have gotten through. I can't remember. Anyway, I liked the second half better than the first, mainly because of the first scene. Nice cliffhanger at the end! I like the Pheonix's personality: annoying stalker bird. Haha! Overall, the chapter works with the story. I realize you dislike it but with a little bit of tweaking, you can make it as perfect as your others. I think the beginning can be explained by pressure of deadlines. Anyway, I hope you read and review my new story, mainly because you're my favorite young author and also because it's my favorite story I've written. It's also written in first person so yeah! I hope you at least check it out. I value your opinion because you're an amazing writer. Can't wait to read more, even though I know I'm a slow poke with reviewing! I'll be better now that it's summer and my best friend comes back from Greece soon so the stress and loneliness go bye bye! Awesome, love you dear!
Singular Angel 2008-06-05 ch 7,	abuseOh Arianna... I'm a terrible, terrible person! School recently ended which means I am now free from the grasp of pain and suffering and have time for marvelous people such as yourself.
Kyllorac 2008-05-30 ch 8,	abuseI wonder why Elderayne didn't try to take the glove forcibly, but I expect this will be revealed later on. It seems our dear Toby wasn't exactly careful in his counterspell, though, unless he was the one to ensure that none of the drops hit Adrienne. Yes, I recognize that in most fantasy novels I’d have found out later that they were talking about me, or something dangerous, and generally secret. Realistically, however, I later learned that they were going on to each other about women. I’d say it’s a guy thing, but we do it about them, I’ll admit. - XD Ooh! Toby is pretty big baddie, isn't he? I'm curious what his true motives are now. Adrienne's sniping at the others seems a bit contrived. I haven't been getting a "need but don't care much for" vibe from any of the members except Elderayne, so Adrienne's attitude seems a bit uncalled for, especially with Leander's obvious like of her. For the record, if it hadn’t been absolutely perfect, I would have screamed, and Leander’s ears would have exploded, followed within ten seconds by his brain. All glass and like objects in the immediate vicinity would have shattered. - XD I always look forward to these footnotes. And now I’m the regular fantasy heroine. I don’t like being a Mary Sue, Leander. - XD And then Leander goes and says "For the record, this isn’t a novel". XD What? No interaction with Rhekyt? The way it's currently written, it reads as "heroine gets cool heroine-appropriate telepathic pet; she and male companion promptly ignore it despite the obvious awesomeness of an intelligent telepathic pet." That said, elaborate upon this scene. The transition from this scene to the next is far too abrupt. We sat, with a picnic lunch, eating it, as opposed to throwing it at and dropping it on each other and dragging each other through it. - "We sat with a picnic lunch, eating it as opposed to throwing it at, dropping it on, or dragging each other through it." is easier to read and clearer. I love Theiyo. Dragon PWNS Phoenix. Nuff said. :P Klavier seems completely unaffected by what Adrienne said the previous day. Same goes for Adrienne. Considering both sides' opinions on the Tobias issue, I feel there should be a bit of tension between the two. At the very least, Adrienne should feel a little suspicious about Klavier's reasons for seeking her out. Part of me wants to mention ‘luck of the Irish’ here- the other part is reminding that part that I’m not Irish. - XD Klavier has quite the dark past. It's a nice contrast from the typical swordsman's tragic past, though. n.n Aw... No chicken pox? I can't help but feel slightly disappointed, though the quarry diving incident is quite plausible. And don't tell me that Jasper and Fallon eloped! O.O As usual, dialogue is very smooth, and I didn't see any spelling errors. Some sentences came across as a bit awkward due to word choice, but it wasn't that big of a deal and didn't disrupt my reading too much. I can hardly wait to see what the next chapter brings.
soojinyeh 2008-05-29 ch 8,	abuseI know you said the most recent chapter so I'll do that, but mind you, I only glimpsed over the beginning of the story so i might be a bit confused. whoa...first thing i noticed is that all the characters have really odd names...where are they...? I don't like Tobias much. He's too...ugh...flowery for me right now. “my love, I’m afraid that due to this interruption, I must take my leave. Before I do so, however, I would like to give you this,” how corny can you get...? I don't like Adrienne and Eldrayne either. Eldrayne seems to be the typical "** that steals heroine's man" and Adrienne is a damn pushover. I would have gotten up and socked that girl in the face. Ugh. Seriously, are they fighting over TOBIAS?! WHY?! God, ANOTHER "gentlemanly" prince dude?! Tobias is bad enough, why is Leander have to be so corny as well? “And now I’m the regular fantasy heroine. I don’t like being a Mary Sue, Leander.” I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THAT LINE! Great job poking fun at yourself. That takes confidence and self assurance a lot of people don't have. Seriously, at that time the Pheonix came out, i was like "Why is EVERYBODY in love with this chick?! Holy crap she's a Mary-Sue" and then out of nowhere came that line. I loved it. I don't really understand the numbers that...I don't know...point out things at the end of a scene...that's the first time I've seen that. The "WHY does EVERYONE love her so much?!" thought is popping back into my head again and again. Perhaps there's an explanation, but to me it seems unrealistic. Otherwise, your writing ability is great. You're very descriptive with each and every sentence.
German Mickey 2008-05-29 ch 1,	abuseI am completely amazed with your ability to write. From the 2nd paragraph, I noticed that you have an enchanting way of completely submerging your reader into your story.
B. J. Winters 2008-05-26 ch 5,	abuseOK, we had death threats in the last chapter and then….with a sigh she walks off…..wow, I didn’t expect that. I expected more conflict. I was done crying(5), and he, seeming to realize this, reached down with the hand that had cupped my face only moments before, to pull a white cloth from… This is another one of those ‘somewhere’ things. {I know what you’re trying to say here, but the flow is choppy} The chemistry between the characters is good, I like that she questions how the transition happened. As a reader, I have that same question. His response is a bit weak though – he shrugs and says he talked to someone else. Where’s the “I missed you”, or some sort of internal reflection. I needed a bit more to make the leap. I did like his slight overreaction to the circumstances of her disappearance = the “did he scratch you” urgency played well with the new scenario. The glaring rabid forest creatures was cute. Nothing eventful happened as we left the forest. Nothing. We didn’t even talk until we reached the town. Three miles of near silence(11). So I’m skipping to the town. {why didn’t anything happen? Or if there truly is no need for the filler, have the town either be closer, or just jump to it. This paragraph seems to bring more questions than answers} I liked the set up around the legend, and you delivered the information in a brief enough fashion that I remained engaged. I might recommend a touch more two way dialogue – maybe a few questions to break things up – but overall it’s probably fine as is. “We need you to help rescue our world. Now let’s go eat.” {a great “guy” line} – but I expected some sort of reaction from your main character. There must be a witty comeback in there somewhere. Towards the end of the chapter you introduce more characters. I was OK when you went to a new town and a few came forward to move the story and setup on….but now I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I challenge you to go back to every “my name is” or “this here is” and see if you need them. Will they appear again? Is their purpose unique? You might be able to cut some stuff, or reuse your existing entourage better. I’m having a tough time keeping track of who’s who, and, yes, it’s a personal thing, but I hate creating a mental image for a character, only to have them be background noise. They’re all very colorful, but the reader might feel attached to a smaller set. You describe the new “room” – given that I had reservations about your introducing her room at home in the last chapter (and recommended you cut that paragraph) here might be the place to make the point you wanted – holistically – with a compare/contrast. Before it was just randomly thrown in = here it can set stage. So again, my recommendation is remove those from the prior chapter and put it that information here. Oh no, the foreshadowing of more characters at dinner. These appear to have purpose, but I’m nervous. You might want to give the reader a breather and end the chapter earlier. I saw at least one chance to break with both closure/and a cliff hanger. I’d stop at the line I liked…the “we need you to save our world”. That would get the reader thinking.
B. J. Winters 2008-05-22 ch 4,	abuseOK, I know I said I wasn’t going to comment on the footnotes – for the most part, I think we’ll just agree to disagree on their style/value. However, if you keep them, let me offer just one more piece of advice. Don’t disparage or show disrespect for the reader. I know you’re trying to be funny, but remember that all you have to communicate with is print, no tone, or body language to show sarcasm. Choose your words wisely. Example: (1) Yes, it did have a name, and yes, I’m even going to tell it to you. Eventually. For now, we’re calling it a thing, and you’re going to like it. Or not, I’m really not interested in what you do and don’t like. {this is very off putting, and sends a message that the reader isn’t valuable to you. If you don’t care about me – then why should I care about your character?} In the opening your character jumps about and isn’t consistent. First she wants to pretend she’s asleep, and then seconds later she sits up. First she thinks about how she got outside the forcefield, and then she decides it’s not important. I got the overall impression your character was smart – here she looks very scatterbrained. These “hidden abilities/powers” are potentially critical to her freedom, I’d expected her to do a little problem solving before revealing that she was vulnerable and simply trying to talk her way out of the situation without a plan of some sort. And then she gets scared and starts crying – this mood swing confuses me. Is the character supposed to be a “strong female lead” or “a terrified child”? Wouldn’t her time be better spent at least trying to get free? If memory serves she had a knife on her at one time, given all the time she has to think, I’d expected her to stumble on survival skills sooner. Yes, you mention later that the knife is “gone” but I’m not really sure she looked either for it, or an alternative weapon. Hold on to the anger and cocky attitude and make me like this character rather than feeling sorry for her. I liked the use of italics. I could tell this was still dialogue, but different. The phrasing of the dragon conversation flows well. The pine tree in the office – unusual and effective. Excerpt: Kai came in after me, and raised his eyebrows with a pointed look in my direction. /I didn’t bother answering his look, instead just peered around my room. It was gargantuan(25) and it was my sanctuary. Like a lot of things, I can’t do it justice in my description- I’ll just do my best. {Eyebrows and pointed looks – you use that a lot. Not sure you need it here. The second sentence – I thought she was the “storyteller” – shouldn’t ability with words be her forte? This just struck me as an odd qualifier. And this entire paragraph – why did we visit her room? You lost me on the tour. “Struck by a sudden impulse to go in” doesn’t really do it for me. If it’s not necessary to the plot, cut it.} Callista – I like that name. Her dialogue and A.’s reaction to it at the end of the chapter – wow this scene just caught me off guard with unanticipated violence and emotion. From a “your welcome” to “I’ll break your neck” in less than 25 words. I didn’t understand it. If she’s guilty, then why not just kill her while she’s asleep? It’s just weird to save someone and then threaten them in the same breath. Because of this I thought the ending of this chapter was abrupt and lacked the impact I think you expected.

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