Reviews for Captains of Industry vs Robber Baron

Reviews For: Captains of Industry vs Robber Baron

Tytherpol
2008-03-01
ch 1,

abuseokay here are my terrible suggestions
i don't advise adhering to any of them
but maybe i might hit on one thing out of ten
and help you out a little

the first sentence might be a little confusing if the reader didn't already know what "robber baron" meant
maybe clarify by something like
"The term "robber baron" was introduced during the American Industrial Revolution to describe the capitalists of that era because it accurately depicted their exploitations and misappropriations" (or something maybe that just clarifies a lil better that the term refers to the people, instead of just being introduced during the era..if that makes sense)

"While these industrialists all played a critical role in America's rise into the super power it became, the actions they took were both deceitful and unnecessary." (just a suggestion)

"Contrasting Andrew Carnegie's Gospel of Wealth philosophy, these self-titled "philanthropists" essentially did more to impair the people of the working class than to assist them. Through issuing lower wages, union exterminations, and improperly allotting money towards buildings rather than people, these "robber barons" abused their positions."

"The laborers were the first to apply the term "robber baron" to their employers, and today's standards of fairness reaffirm that these employers were exactly that--thiefs and tycoons."

"Industrialists of the Gilded Age misused their prominent positions to justify cutting wages, constraining their employees into twelve hour work days, and discharging their laborers, claiming that all were essential for the growth of the United States."

"Robber barons believed that without lowering the wages of their employees, their products, such as steel, would not have been affordable. However, retrospection allows (us?) to recognize that this was an erroneous claim." --(idk if you're allowed to use 'us.' if you aren't, you could always re-word it just a lil)

"Lowering wages was never an essential measure to make steel affordable. Rather, it was the formula crafted by these capitalists to aquire the most profit." --(i'm honestly not sure if it's gramatically correct for that 2nd sentence to to start with 'rather'. sorry)

"In /Annals of the American Academy of Political and Social Science/ by E. Lavasseur (do you need to do a pov-bias for this? i know we do sometimes but it depends on the kind of essay), Lavasseur introduced a weaver in England who said that "he had worked seventeen years in England, and that conditions were much better than in America." "

"If England had treated its workers as competently as this weaver suggested and remained an industrial giant, America could have followed its example and risen to greatness through virtuous means."

"Instead of compiling profits for personal gains, the profiteers could have employed their powers to control the economy and raise the people of the working class above their impoverished status quo."

(start next paragraph w/ this sentence)
"While the robber barons preferred to cling to the revenues they reaped, captains of industry practiced recirculating the money back into the economy."

(this next paragraph, paragraph 3, is a lil unclear as to what point you're getting at. maybe make a clear thesis statement at the start of it. ESP make sure you clarify which "industrialists" you mean)
"In his /Gospel of Wealth/ (it is unclear whether this is a book or a philosophy. also maybe say time period of it), Andrew Carnegie stated that it is necessary for the elite profiteers to share with the poor their "superior wisdom, experience, and ability to administer, doing for them better than they would or could do for themselves." This is a prime example of the misconceptions industrialists had (??)."

"As it turns out,"--that's kind of slang

"Despite all their people skills, robber barons (right?) essentially did not emaphize with their workers, who surely disapproved of the billions of dollars their bosses exhausted toward libraries and universities rather than their salaries."

"In "The Concentration of Industry and Machinery in the United States," E. Levasseur re-illustrated that the rich would never understand how difficult they were making life for the poor."
"...'optimism,' he said."

the last few sentences of the paragraph are fine
except the last one is worded a little awkwardly
but it's up to you if you want to change that or not

"Contradicting the constructive captains of industry, the big boys at the center of the Age of Big Business, the robber barons, detracted from society more than they contributed."

"Weaver gave" (past tense is generally better when talking abt dead guys)
"'Oat Meal Trust'," he said.

"Thus, the growth of labor unions was stunted for decades to come."

"...Industrialism would have been far more idealistic than it had been." --i don't think 'idealistic' is the best thing to put here

"While most capitalists of the 19th century would have considered themselves captains of industry, a very small number of their employers would agree."
--whoah. this sentence makes it sound like 'captains of industry' aren't employers themselves. and ack it's been forever since i learned this, but i thought captns of industry were employers too, just more philanthropic ones. idk. maybe just define captns of industry a little more clearly before in an earlier paragraph or either make this sentence more clear.

("Wage slaves would argue that men like John Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, and J.P. Morgan kept wages to a minimum, issued trusts, and sent military action to stop strikes not because it was a part of the great evolution of mankind, but because they wanted their money.")--what's a wage slave. :(
--since you didn't mention rockefeller or morgan before, you probably should give at least one or two words describing what kind of people they are. even if you know your history teacher knows them, it's almost always better to assume your reader knows nothing
--"not because it was a part of the great evolution of mankind"--you don't relay social darwinism anywhere else in the piece, so this is a lil out of place
--"but because they wanted their money."--'their' is too vague

"Though they (even though it's obv, clarify the 'they' here) put vast amounts of their profits into infrastructure such as libraries, the laborers would preferred to have the money used for raising in their low salaries." (the ending i chose is a little awkward, but something along those lines maybe)

"The Industrial Age could have been the Age of the Working Class, but instead it was a time where smoke poured out from American factories in the form of corruption, greed, and a few ruthless businessmen controlling the entire country's economy."

general note:
some of the paragraphs seem a little scattered.
just not planned so that this paragraph focused on this and that paragraph focused obviously on that.
i hate planning and stuff, but it might help add some order to your essays

great essay. pretty cool topic.

i think (though i don't know the exact topic, and it might not be suitable) you should develop the 'captains of industry' more. but idk

good luck! hope you get an A. :)

Return to Top