Hey. I'm Andrew from fallingstarawards blogspot. Our very own Martin has reviewed your story. If you'd like to see it, wish us to take it down or have any comments please go to fallingstarawards blogspot.
Andrew.

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The first story I read from fatbird33, and the first to have me completely hooked. I read this and "Summer Killin'" all in one day, because I didn't even think about anything else whilst reading it ' I loved the twist about Nate being a police officer. I'll use Nate, because if I use the other name, then it might spoil it. I loved the way everything was written, especially the first few chapters where she was settling in, because I like things like that XD I also feel very attached to Grandma, for some reason. She sounds like a lovely woman XP

I feel that this chapter was better written the previous chapter - better paced. I'm tossed up on whether or not I like that the picture is of Ewan: on the one hand, it sets up a good story, but on the other hand it feels almost too coincidental.

Surely Charlie should say that she couldn't take the job because she knows Ewan, but where's the fun in that? I look forward to reading the next chapter.

So the back story with how Jay and Charlie met is a little weak, but the second half of this prologue was really entertaining. I like how you ended it with her revealing she's an undercover agent. That was well done. I totally wasn't expecting that!

My main problem was language-wise. You have a strange way of using semicolons - not that it's distracting, but you should probably look up how they are traditionally used.

Also, your choice of verbs sometimes is funny. You used the sentence: “What is going on?” she squawked her way into the crowd.

-Someone can not squawk their way into a crowd.

The part where Jay leads Charlie into the alleyway seems a little strange. If he was scared of being killed, why would he be go in to a dark alley? Also, how did the murderer happen to be in the alleyway?

I'm just trying to leave a constructive review, so don't get offended by anything I said. I hope this was helpful. I, too, am writing a mystery story: "Harry McGilligan". Please check it out and review. I know that you said in the author's note, "If you read this I'll read yours!"

Anyway, I will add this story to my favorites and continue to read it.

really enjoyed this, but one thing that I've read in Chapter 14 is a bit out- when Eva says: "“I would never intentionally hurt Ewan. But of course I did. And he hasn’t forgiven me since. He keeps bringing it up. Just yesterday he thought that I was ‘getting it on’ with Nate."

Doesn't Eva still think his name is Wayne?

Apart from that, really good so far

I like the story so far. its an interesting twist from what people have been writing lately. I just think you should make the time jumps a little clearer because I got confused. otherwise good job.

MUAHAHAHA! THE RETURN OF NATE! awesome story. can't wait for number 2! oh by the way: FINGER LICKIN 15 IS OUT! You probably already knew that. Still: YAY!

Great story! And I am as pleased as anything to have another Charlie story, I am excited...:)

Cheers

duhn duh duhn! Nate has come to save the day! and doesn't (shouldn't) char know how to disarm people? poor ewan. he'll just be another person in a padded room at the funny farm now.

Well, darn it...the story is almost over...the killer unveiled...great work!

I hope you write another one? A Charlie and Nate team? Hmm?

:)

Yikes Charlie, you sure got yourself in a mess this time...

Update soon

Aw a nice sweet moment between Ewan and Charlie, nicely done :)

Ok now Eva? What is her problem? Gosh accusing him of killing those people...definitely would like to see her get kicked out of the house...rude thing...I do wonder though...hmm

I have a theory

Nice work

Oh yes I definitely like Grandma...too funny!

Speaks from the hip she does