|Reviews for Charlie's Angel|
| Purpose 4/1/08 . chapter 2
Uhoh! Snap, Ewan what have you been up to? This is good leaving me hanging like this so now I must read the 2nd chapter. Fred and Milos are reminding me of someone. Red hair, twins (bells are ringing). Keep it up Fatbird, I can't wait to read more!
| Purpose 4/1/08 . chapter 1
AH! That was the most awesomest twist I've ever had the privilege to read! 'Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I'm an undercover agent'! Ha! That was really good, I'm impressed. I love your M&M clock. Jay reminds me of my older sis's boyfriend's brother (always popping in and doing something weird). Again totally awesome!
| Fractured Illusion 3/13/08 . chapter 3
Well, your darned cliffhanger just had to make me read the next chapter... But your chapters are massive, missy (mister?)! It is unattractive on FP which might explain a lack of attention to it. So think of this for future plans and such. :)
And damn, yes! I was afraid she wouldn't take the case, but now that Milos spins it so nicely she has to. This will definitely be interesting: cop trying to prove best friend innocent. Aah, this story has lots of potential!
"Addie, my older sister went with them, for she still lived with them"
*with them* is repeated twice. How about "sister followed along for she lived with them"?
"“Damn, do hire a"
"Of course, I pretended to be nice to her but of course that was only because I was undercover, of course"
You start and end it wit the same phrase. Maybe if you did something with the last one to add effect? Like put an ellipsis between?
"do want to go to a bar"
Okay, so I am happy to see there was mucho interaction going on again. I sure like your main character. Pity there is no Jay though ;_; Ewan seems alright, but I dunno...that girl he is with. If he hangs with those kind of people, maybe he IS that kind of people.
A part of me hopes he did it. A part of me hopes Kenny did it (:P)
Anyhow, I like it, so keep writing, eh? :D There too few mystery stories around ;_;
Oh, and before I go: I wasn't too happy about the way you ended the chapter. It was sort of just in the middle of a scene, it felt like. And that is a bad place to leave unless its a cliff hanger, which it isn't. So maybe add a line or two to smoothe it out? Generally you shouldn't end a chapter/scene with dialog...
| Fractured Illusion 3/13/08 . chapter 2
Oh my holy! How come the prologue is super long and the actual chapter is short? :P
"barely suppressed a smile"
I dunno. I don't get this description. So he is hardly trying to cover up a smile? Does this mean he is smiling brightly or what? But that seems OOC for him...
And oh shit, awesome cliff-hanger! :D
This chapter wasn't as fantastic as the previous one, it was mostly with covering what had happened in that year, but now I am way excited about this Ewan business. I do suggest you spice this chapter up a bit :)
| Fractured Illusion 3/13/08 . chapter 1
So, since I am so awesome, I have decided to try to review all the non-winners of the RM to spread the review love :P So here we go! (I will review as I go, btw)
"walked pigeon toed"
I have never heard that expression before, haha, but it gives a weird mental image ;
" arrived at our school. Right away, he was the most popular person at school,"
Repetition of school and school so close by. I'd suggest you cut out the second "at school" as that is pretty much implied anyhow :)
"they were afraid to look to him"
look *at* him, maybe you mean?
"Sean had the whitest skin in our school, but that did not stop him from trying to be ghetto."
*laughs* Oh, the silly kids! :P I am liking it so far (only a few paragraphs, but still: you paint a clear picture of her world while presenting it nicely. So it's not boring or dull as it can easily be regarding these matters)
I have a remark so far: you use adverbs in pretty much all your paragraphs so far. It's like playing with fire when you use them: I am not bothered by it yet, but you never know when it will be too much of them. So be careful, okay? :P
"“What are you afraid to fight me, J-unit?”" I think there should be a comma after "what"
"“Come on punch me.”" I'd like a comma after "on"
"Unexpected Sean fell to the ground, which caused a group of third graders cheer out in delight."
*is cheering too* Haha!
"or had shown any emotion to in that matter."
I dunno. It seems oddly worded. How about "any emotion too"?
Okay, I must say: the transition between her being hit by Sean's fist, and then her snap back to adulthood was confusing and could have been done a bit better. Maybe just show with a page breaker or
or something like that to signal this is a different scene? You could keep it as it is; I mean, I understood what was going on and such. I just felt it wasn't as smooth as could be.
Btw, I adore the familarity between her and Jay :P Everything is so well established between the two, and its just cute in a way haha.
"“But I need the bling.”
“Why do you absolutely need the bling?”"
*laughs* I loved that!
And holy, the twist at the end! :o Hahah, this is awesome. I can't believe this story has no reviews! :o
Keep up the very good work!