FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Zonne 2008-04-19 ch 5,  | abuseAh, a cute little ending. You could potentially make this into something more if you wanted. I think it was a bit young, but that may have been the intent. very sweet zonne the review marathon link in my profile |
| Zonne 2008-04-19 ch 4, | abusehm.. one spelling thing were animals their their should be there and this chapter needed more more more detail I like the names of things though, the alliteration of "fruitful forest." |
| Zonne 2008-04-19 ch 3, | abuseWeirdly enough, I've found myself curious to see where this goes. I'm not sure if something crazy (okay scary crazy) will happen or not. I like the little build up and the typical kid behavior. Again, breaking into proper paragraphs would make all the difference in the world to ease of reading. carry on |
| Zonne 2008-04-19 ch 2, | abuseI like Hoppie too. Kind of silly the whole thing, but cute. I assume intended for a young audience? You could improve it if you broke it into paragraphs properly. New paragraph for each voice at least. Would make it easier to read |
| Zonne 2008-04-19 ch 1, | abuseWell, I like the cuteness. I like the names too, and I'm not sure why. I think it needs more of a start. It just jumps into the story too fast. A little more clarification would rock The Review Marathon Zonne link in my profile |
| Ratava100d 2008-03-16 ch 5, | abuseThe chapters are short but its a funny story! Hope you continue it. |