Reviews for Meeting Guests in the Parlor

Reviews For: Meeting Guests in the Parlor

.mate.feed.kill.repeat. 2008-06-11 ch 1,	abuse[fight for the freebie that i owe you] The plot is intriguing and the descriptions are beautifully vivid, but the way this is written is a bit confusing. You did beautiful work with the descriptions, absolutely beautiful. However, the tense keeps changing--most commonly, from present to past. "Still lost in his thoughts Razel suddenly heard voices echo from farther down the lonely street. Ah, my guests have arrived he thinks to himself with mounting glee. He was itching to get things underway, it had been over a week since last time, Razel again reminded himself." The first sentence is in past tense, like most fiction is written in. Then, in the second sentence, it is suddenly in present tense again, which doesn't make much sense, especially when the following sentence is in past tense. I liked the dialogue, but your quotes could be improved upon. At the end of a quoted sentence, there should be a comma, not a period. For example: “A chamaeleon whose camouflage is to stick out like a sore thumb.” Razel whispers to himself again. This should be revised to: “A chamaeleon whose camouflage is to stick out like a sore thumb,” Razel whispers to himself again. Although it doesn't appear to be much of a change, it really makes a big difference with how the words flow and how the sentences read. Otherwise, this story was highly intriguing. The introduction, with the exact time given, was a nice touch. The conclusion was also very nicely done, without leaving a question as to the "rest" of the story. "The street is a grisly canvas, painted with three fresh corpses in a pool of blood." This sentence was magnificent in its word choice, flow, and descriptions. Simply superb. Really, a nice piece but could do with some revisions. -stix-
podso38 2008-03-07 ch 1,	abuseThis was great, I loved how you paid attention to detail, it almost felt like I was there. You did a great job on the character's personilty. I would like to know however, Razel's story. Great short story, I plan on reading your new ones but this had caught my attention lol.
Kailum 2008-03-04 ch 1,	abuseLol this might sound a little weird, but Razel is a fun character. He's like 'come and get me... NOT -BAM YOU'RE DEAD-' This was an exciting story ^^
Bobertkins 2008-03-03 ch 1,	abuseGreat story! Your dialogue is definitely your strong point. The character's were real with how they spoke and it gave it a bit more reality then found in the average short story. I must confess, I really like Razel, his character is marvellously vicious and cunning. Watching him bait the three thugs then pull the trap on them was very entertaining. I do have one compliant and two suggestion though. The complaint is that you kept switching tenses. In paragraph one you use the past tense "It WAS almost three" while in the second paragraph you switch to present tense "Razel whispers". This was common throughout the story and it wasn't to noticeable but it was enough to be distracting. My first suggestion is to expound on the gritty feeling in your story. You played it up a little bit with your descriptions of your thugs, but at the same time I think it would add considerably to the story if you put in some more descriptions about his surroundings, such as a flickering neon light, or make a comment about the stench of garbage or alcohol. The characters were very realistic added much to the over all grunge feel of the story, but I think it would be complete if you put in a few sentences about the state of that part of town. My second suggestion is to spice it up a bit. Write a second chapter, this was almost more of an introduction then a short story. The main thing that makes it this way is the fact that this is what Razel does, it is a just a day in the life for him, there is nothing different about this situation for him then anything else. So for him there is nothing that sets this certain night apart from any other night. If you did something memorable, like make it his first time doing it, or even make it his last time. He could be an old vigilante going out on one more purifying raid through the slums. Or get him wounded or let him meet someone, just put something in here that sets this night apart from the rest for Razel. Don't let me discourage you in the least. :) I generally critique pretty harshly but I will tell you this story is going on my favourite story list. Like I said earlier I really enjoyed Razel's character. He was uncommonly cruel, and I liked it even more that you never gave the motive for why he is killing lowlives. You leave it open to speculate that he could be doing it out solely out of the sheer pleasure of it which is a unique aspect in most vigilantly stories. And like I said before as well your characters are supurb. Their dialogue is extremely realistic and you get a deep feel to who they are which is uncommon in short stories especially 20 word stories. You have a natural gift with your characters and I am definitely eager to see what you do next. Keep writing friend! :) -Bobertkins
ADSpencer 2008-03-03 ch 1,	abuseVery twisted, twisted enough to be added to my c2. I would like to see this story edited though. I think the first reviewer caught many of the mistakes in dialogue. Otherwise, I like your writing style and the voice you use in this story. Beware tense change, though. If you want to write the story in present tense, you have to stick to present tense throughout--that's very important when dealing with a short story especially.
Twilight Starr 2008-03-03 ch 1,	abuse"Someones skin" should probably be "Someone's skin". I'm no expert on commas. I am getting better at them, but I think "After sizing up all three men Razel . . ." should be "After sizing up all three men, Razel . . ." because "After sizing up all three men" is a relatively long prepostional phrase. "He was of course a geeky . . ." should probably be "He was, of course, a geeky . . ." because of course can be excluded. "Not a nervous type of hurry, but an excited discussion." is a fragment. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes fragments and choppy sentences are part of a writing style, but if you wanted to turn it into part of a sentence I would do this: "They began to talk hurriedly as they started walking again--not a nervous type of hurry, but an excited discussion." "“Oh, uh, hello gentlemen”" This dialogue is missing some sort of puncutation at the end. It's probably a typo. They happen to me all the time--especially because of the dyslexic way my mind works. I think I put the right thing and then find out I didn't. It's frustrating to say the least. "Nah man, I . . ." This dialogue needs a comma because man is addressing someone. "Nah, man, I . . ." or "Hey, I got some money, man!" I think "nine to five" should have dashes, but I'm not very sure. You know, "nine-to-five". Razel is definitely a cool name and he was definitely an interesting character. Nice, action story. This has to be one of the longest reviews I've submitted in a long while. Have an excellent day. Oh! And the reason why I'm here: thanks again for reading and reviewing "Selfish Intentions". ~Twilight Starr~

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