WHOA! I was totally astounded at the rework of chapter one. That makes it a lot better. I also went through two and three again too. Congratulations.

I just finished reading four. At the end, I was so busy chuckling at the phrase, "Chi-Squirts", that the last line went over my head, so I had to read it over a few times. Caught me off guard, is what I'm trying to say. Not a bad thing though. I also liked "Get out of my face, you little bastard". It's a good way to introduce a new character's personality.

Happy Writing

Okay, I read chapter 3. You're still having a little trouble with some spelling. Not that it's your fault, it's just a slip of the fingers as they're typing. Fury little friend should be furry. Fury is like the anger and rage kind. Furry is the fluffy and cute kind. Ha. Also, since the R and D keys are close to each other "licked" became licker.

Another problem, which I saw cited in another review is that I can't really tell what's going on here. It's most likely because it's written in the play format rather than a novel. In a novel, you have room to describe the scenery and that sort.

You spelled definitely wrong. Spell check doesn't catch mistakes in spelling when you mistake it for another word. Yours came out as defiantly meaning resisting order or disobeying, which I don't think it is what you meant. Definitely is a hard word. I screw up every time. Almost every time.

A pro though, is that I liked your description of the fox (I don't remember anime style names so well so bear with me). It gave the reader a general idea of what the fox looks like, leaving the reader to come up with the rest. Nice.

Again, if I seem like I'm nitpicking, it's because I'm going to become a beta reader when my account turns one month old. I have another account that's old enough, but I don't like the account so much.

Happy Writing

Okay, I read the first two chapters. (By the way, I hate that spellcheck doesn't register "okay" as a word.) First of all, it was good. Write more. Just kidding. Haha.

No, it was good though.

There were no problems I spotted in Chapter 1. So that's good. Just a few little grammar tidbits you might want to avoid in the future.
"Suddenly a gun shot and went right through the king."
Now, we all know it's obvious that the bullet went through the king, but you might want to specify a bit. From the sounds of this sentence, it seems that the gun went through the king. You could write something like "Suddenly, a gun fired releasing a bullet that pierced violently through the beloved King."

Also, in that same paragraph, you've got to watch your
"to"s and "too"s. It should be "It was way too close." That's the problem with Spell check. It's great for horrible spelling mistakes, like me not being able to spell definitely (Thanks spell check), but it can't fix homophone confusion (Those are the words that sound and spell the same, but mean different, like rose [the flower] and rose [rise, past tense]. They're a pain. I didn't see any problems with this, but watch your "their"s "there"s and "they're"s. They can be a pain too. And the "your"s and "you're"s. At the very end you mixed up a your. The word your is meant to show possession. As in, this is YOUR story and if you were talking to me it'd be this is YOUR review. You're is a contraction. This means that it's two words combined by replacing some letters with an apostrophe. Like don't gets rid of the "o" in not and combines it with do to make "Do not" shorter and more casual. You're is getting rid of the "a" in are and combining it with You to make "You are". So it should be Riiko- So YOU'RE awake. Because he is awake, he doesn't have an awake.

Make sure at the start of a sentence you capitalize. If you were writing in the regular format (which there's no problem that you're not. I like your format.) then Spell Check would correct that for you.

When the Dark Devil introduces himself, you might want to capitalize the D in Dark, because it's a title. That reminds me, when introducing your characters, you might want to give a nice description of what they look like. If it's an evil character such as the Dark Devil, you want the reader to imagine the character standing in front of them. You want them to pee themselves based on the description alone. You have to make up for the fact that this is a written story, not a movie.

Sorry if I'm a little critical. Like you said in your profile, you want to get better. And even with awesome writers like Dean Koontz and Thomas Harris and Stephen King and Michael Crichton (I could go on and on) there's always room for improvement. For a start, King could start being less of a weirdo, but I guess that's why his books are so entertaining.

Happy Writing.

Okay I didn't actually read it because I have things to do at the moment (I favorited it though). I just wanted to give some feedback based on the impression of it to readers.

1. The summary is written well.
2. The thing that attracted me is that there's 19 chapters. Shows that you're devoted to the story and you're actually going to put everything into it. No one wants to read a really good 1 chapter over a really good multiple chapter. Gotta love the cliffhangers.
3. I like the play-novel mix of your formatting. Like with the dialogue yet there's still narration. That idea never came to me.
4. Everyone loves revenge :D

I'll get around to reading and doing an actual review. I promise. In the mean time, feel free to stop by my story. :D

Happy writing,

You're right it got a lot better! I can't wait until you finish it! Can you please review my story?

Overall a good story, but it was hard to understand what was going on. probably most of the story line was in your summary :)s I liked the format it was in and I am glad you are continuing it, as I would like to know what happens.