FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| misery sister 2008-03-26 ch 20,  | abuseGood story. Keep it up with your future work! :D |
| Arwen Dune 2008-03-25 ch 2, | abuseThis chapter was better there are a whole lot less awk. wordings but you may want to rewrite the 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph its not that its awk. but it could be a lot more powerful than you made it. You don't need over after surpassed remembered instead of remembering maybe you should say a dream that once haunted her in childhood and you can't take errands to people |
| Arwen Dune 2008-03-25 ch 1, | abuseThe story does start quite well. Theres a lot of suspense at the end and I'm wondering what hapens next You really need to work on your sentences though. Some of them were really confusing like "The weather began to change then and it seemed to rain" Its either raining or it isn't how can it seem to rain? The whole 4th paragraph is really confusing and you need to add some commas to it. In the 2nd paragraph you say "hair" three times really close together instead of saying hair the 2nd time you could say it and instead of saying "She brushed her hair to take the leaves away and then walked down the street" you could say she brushed the leaves away and walked down the street. Also lightning is plural and singular don't put a in front of it "Hey! Lianne! Will you please stop those horror images out of your mind!" this line is also really awkward sounding consider revising it PS I'm not going to be able to finish the 20 chapters for a while. And I'm not going to reveiw every one of them like I did here it just takes too much time |
| Tanya24 2008-03-24 ch 2, | abuseWhat's up with the kiss? Is it used to make her stop shouting? Either way, love it! Just don't understand, why people are not reviewing your so-damn-good story. |
| Tanya24 2008-03-24 ch 15, | abuseSo... So... Gud. I love this chapter. It feels my heart with sadness. Huhuhuh" (cries**) |
| Tanya24 2008-03-24 ch 1, | abuseWhat a really great story! I so much love it! The flashbacks of the secrets of her past are so compelling. I would really love to read more of your stories. And I wonder it there is a sequel or an prequel in the story. Good Luck! |