|Reviews for sleeping in|
| perdita 3/26/08 . chapter 1
| Yuval 3/4/08 . chapter 1
Oh god! It reads like a headache!
Of course, it's gorgeously written. I like the sense of the constant going-over of what sounds like a slightly twisted relationship, and also the fact that you use such short, simple words to say so much. It sounds like it's narrated by an ordinary person, which is... more than I can say for most emotionally-centred poetry.
What strikes me about this poem is that it, well, reads like a headache. I mean, with lines like, "dream the sun inside my lids," and "and the day, painfully bright within my head," it captures that photophobic, headachy sort of feel you get when you've overslept or haven't slept enough. It's actually making me feel a bit woozy reading it. And that's a good thing.
You really are good at these off-kilter internal monologues. You've basically written upon that same structure a few dozen times, yet every time, it's completely different and unique! You continue to startle me. ; ;
(Also! I was going to do a review-reply, but, hey, I thought it was a good opportunity to catch up on my review returns. Thankyou for your feedback, and don't worry about sounding harsh; even if concrit didn't make me squeal with joy - and it does - review manager does tend to cut out in the middle of reviews sometimes.
I wasn't really intending to leave the title as it is - it was more a reflexive "DAMN IT" gesture, because, god help me, I can't give it a title in English which isn't a) a few paragraphs long, or b) the type of jumbled adjective-noun-verb-noun-verb-adverb word omelette that is funny in manga titles and ridiculous anywhere else. I think I'll just call it "Amicteri." It's still... incomprehensible... but at least it's short. -despairs-)
| SerialXLain 3/4/08 . chapter 1
I like the beginning of it with the kind of disjointed (I don't think that's the word I want to use...but oh well...maybe it is after all...) repetition.
I really liked the "dream the sun inside my lids" line and the last one.