FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| paisley patterns 2008-03-12 ch 1,  | abusei love how it ends and begins the similarly. i did also enjoy when you smooshed the words together, it was fitting. |
| no.peace.los.angeles 2008-03-05 ch 1, | abuseI really liked a lot of the images in this - the fish, the scene with the lemon tree, and the two self descriptions. I also liked how you repeated the milky tea and beeswax bit (kind of a strange image there, but it works). I think you have to be careful with some of the lines, though - the "so i hope/you don't kill me/with your love" part and "are you going to do that/with my heart?/please don't, please don't" parts are somewhat . . . I'm not sure of the word. Not really cliche, but something like that. It's better to avoid actually saying those things and let the reader imply it from the rest of the poem. Poetic devises, ya know? At any rate, I love that you use so much imagery, and unique imagery at that, but you just have to be careful that it doesn't slip into that other, more abstract side. It works in certain instances, but I think it's better to keep things concrete. Just my opinion. Keep writing! :) |