Reviews for Temperature Change

Reviews For: Temperature Change - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

smile for the sunshine 2008-07-03 ch 1,	abusei kind of like this although i'm not really one for haikus. they are a little too short for me. if it were me i'd make it longer but it's still nice. :]
Iccle Fairy 2008-07-02 ch 1,	abusegreat contrasting imagery
The.Wizard.Pen.Dragon 2008-07-01 ch 1,	abuseI loved the imagery and just the idea in general. I also really liked the action verbs you used (caressing; scorching). I'm not quite sure what the "ice coffin" was, but hey, most things authors say come way out of left feild! It might be a more apparant temperature change if "fresh" was changed to "cool". But then here is something else, if I didn't have the sub-categories telling me that this was about hurt, I wouldn't be quite sure if the change was for the better or the worse. Or, in other words, if the couple had grown together or apart. I also like the close-ness that comes from simple uses the phases "my face" and "my body", it reinforces the romantic nature of these haiku. But keep in mind that I am only one reviewer and you have obviously gotten a lot of attention for your poems because of your talent, so um ... run with that! I hope you conintue to work with your gift! Write on! Pen.Dragon
muerte21 2008-06-16 ch 1,	abuseits a good poem but i dont get last line of the first stanza and the last line of the second stanza how does it fit with the others
BlackestOpal 2008-06-02 ch 1,	abuseAw, this is beautiful. I love the reverse, it worked really well. The last line was particularly fantastic.
dragonflydreamyr 2008-06-01 ch 1,	abuseCongratulations almighty RM winner! Here is the first of your prize reviews. This is a very beautiful haiku/reverse haiku, one of the best I've found on this site. I love how you have very contrasting descriptions. The metaphors switching from hot to cold really help the contrasting meaning. I had to reread this before I really got what you were trying to say. I like that. It's amazing that you can fit so much imagery and meaning into so few words. Amazing job!
Water Archer Princess 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseWow. This one's really brief yet powerful... characteristics a haiku should possess. Great job. ü
Satsumaimo 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseI love the first stanza. The metaphor is good. The second stanza kind of throws me off, though. I do like the line "this ice coffin you carved"
AshleyTerra 2008-05-26 ch 1,	abuseI really liked the contrasting imagery you used.
XxXKristie marieXxX 2008-05-15 ch 1,	abuseDefintily right about the temp change. Great poem. I so know what you mean. XKristie MarieX
NJ Is My Home 2008-05-06 ch 1,	abuse2 stanzas, 6 lines laced with real emotion and pain..great poem..i like the title too
Justin Webb 2008-04-09 ch 1,	abuseThis is powerful and personally quite moving. I love the metaphor you used in the first stanza; it sets up a serene reminiscence. I also love how you switched hot and cold and how you used them to be a "coffin" in both stanzas; in the first stanza the person is giving relief from the heat and in the second they are opposite that. One critique of mine is that I was always under the impression that haiku was three lines of 5, 7, 5 syllables. The first stanza fits this but the second stanza is inverted. Was this deliberate? All in all, I enjoyed it. I always love scenery because I think that authors are just like painters; we must paint a world with words. Great job. -Justin Webb
Otseis Ragnarok 2008-04-01 ch 1,	abuseHere's your review, at Frac's request. the first part was a nice set-up, a regular haiku to start... It described the beginning of a good relationship. The second part, the "reverse haiku" (Did you make that term up?) was a great climax. Although... the term "Ice coffin" seemed a buit cliche...
recycle rhymes 2008-03-31 ch 1,	abuseaw...i love love the imagery of the last stanza. really packed in a punch. nice work.
thefilmchick 2008-03-29 ch 1,	abuse-Flow: Flow was good. I liked the parallel btw the two haikus, and the language (minus one quibble) seemed well-chosen. I am curious if the speaker IS actually weather, as I could attribute the same characteristics to a person. -Technical Aspects: No grammatical errors spotted (you COULD insert commas after 'breeze' and 'gust' but it is not necessary). I am not sure about the contraction in the fourth line as it seems a bit modern for a haiku. -Stanzas: I wonder if the first stanza could be slightly rearranged to give a bit more visual punch, like so: x x x x x x (Sorry for pictures, but if you see what I'm getting at there - it might scan slightly better if it were a little more visually striking.) -Descriptions/images: 'Fresh breeze' seems a little pedestrian to me; I'd go for a more striking or possibly contrasting image: 'Fiery gust' works well with 'ice coffin' because it contrasts; I wonder if contrast in the first haiku might strengthen it as well. -Enjoyment: I liked it but was not really surprised by it per se. I think it could easily be made a little more striking, and that you wouldn't need to overdo it - a little style goes a long way. -Subject: Weather seems a little overdone of a subject, but that isn't your fault, as that's what the poem is about. That said, I quite liked the 'temperature change' title as it explained the poem with a concise amount of words.

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