FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| symphonynumbernine 2008-03-07 ch 1,  | abusehey, i see that you've tried to make an interesting start to a story. However, i think your use of language grew too cumbersome for the mood you were after. Its great feeling to know the right word for the right place but i think you overdid it here. I feel the pace of this piece should have been much faster but your use of long sentences with large words really slowed it down. The overuse of vocabulary really got in the way of the telling of the story. I think you need shorter sentences with shorter words. You wrote "he grinned charismatically" well you know, a reader can tell if a character is being charismatic from his or her actions. So all you need is "he grinned" plus maybe some later descriptions of what he did. I think uses of the word 'absconded' and 'encompassing' was a bit too much and inappropriate for the mood you wanted to create. You've got a chase here yet the words are getting in the way of the adrenaline that's supposed to pumping through Allen's body. So yeah, watch out for that. |