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| unidentified elephant crap 2008-07-28 ch 2,  | abuseErr. No offense or anything, but do you know how a four year old would act? ... coffcoff. I agree with the chick below. I mean, seriously. What preschooler knows what "current" and "definition" means? PFFT. How could they even pronounce it correctly? Also; BTW? I didn't learn that until I was ten. ?! Very realistic. |
| artificial destiny 2008-06-08 ch 2, | abusei'll review as i go (small stuff) and then give you a wholistic reaction -i felt the beginning was kind of misleading. 'girls and guys' (boys?) because i really thought the narrator was a teenager (also 'looked up from book..' -good name-play -"guy-envied person"? whats that supposed to mean? is he really popular? how so? do the kids all dress and act like him? (which is kind of rare in preschool but still. try to describe more.) -"B-T-W" is something people use online... im not sure if preschoolers.. 4 Year Olds! would know how to abbreviate in internet-lingo. -"(Sorry if that's a little confusing)" personal pet peeve! that sentence feels extra to me. you dont need the approval of the reader. (in which case you can just disregard my entire reveiw xD) but .. just try not to? it sounds unprofessional. -"After two hours of waiting (very impatiently, may I add) for nap time to be over and constantly annoyed by this Selene girl," grammar= after two hours... to be over, and for the annoying Selene girl to shut up... something to that effect? your description of a four year old is extremely... mature. the way they speak. their attitudes don't really match up. ex:"For pete's sake" "I had to hand it to the girl" not a four year old self-talk-voice. "ruckus" for someone who doesn't know what 'definition' means. thats a pretty big word. but i am liking the flow and dialogue, even if it doesnt make much sense coming from 4 year olds. im also curious to know how this all plays a part to the prologue! keep it up! -artificial destiny |
| artificial destiny 2008-06-08 ch 1, | abusethis intro was a mix of both intrigue and boring textbook type monotony "Together, we will travel.." reminds me of those videos we have to watch in science class, but maybe its just me! i really like how you explained stuff subtly though. i need help with that personally XD great start! maybe stick with just 'you' and not 'we'? idk. play around with it! -artificial destiny |
| Noitanicoitar1 2008-05-22 ch 1, | abuseThis story is so good. I love how you portrayed each characters viewpoint. Also it didn't drag on for too long. I love your ideas and related to each character as I read. I don't really like Seleane though... This is amazing! |