Reviews for No Title YetOpen for suggestions

Reviews For: No Title YetOpen for suggestions

That-fan 2008-03-28 ch 1,	abuseThe biggest thing here is I need to know more to make the world real for me. Right now the world has nothing that distinguishes itself as 'real'. I don't know this girl and have no reason to care about her. I barely know anything about her or her personality. The two half-elves (I only say half elves because of the summary, I don't know if they're full elves or not) seem to have more personality than she does. The writing style, descriptions, and dialog seemed hashed, they don't flow very well at all. I would suggest revision. Your spelling and grammar are pretty good. There is too little, everything feels rushed and 2d. To make the idea work for us, first you have to make it interesting. -That_fan, Reviewers Kingdom
Traissa 2008-03-26 ch 1,	abuseI like the overall story, and the cliffhanger is great! My two main points for improvement would be: The introduction needs a little work - there isn't much detail and it feels a little rushed. I want to know more about Madeline and the world she is from, basically, tell me more! The other point is that while it is a great idea, it needs a lot of filling out. The sentences are short, and it feels a little like just the facts are being stated. The short paragraphs add to this, making it quite clipped and 'un-fictiony'. Apart from this I love it, I'll look out for it in novel form!! Traissa (Reviewers Kingdom member)
w-l-k 2008-03-25 ch 1,	abuseFor starters, I really like how this is turning out, although I'm still slightly confused about whats going on. Personally I think this could have been a little longer. I know it's the first chapter and all, but you could have elaborated more. Like before Madeleine almost gets killed by the sneaking elf, maybe go a little more into detail about her surroundings or even about the war, or instead of starting off with just Madeleine, summarize the war ad THEN bring her in. It's just a suggestion. I really like how this is turning out, I can't wait to see more, Madeleine, I'm really looking forward on how this character gross through this story. As for titles I'm not sure I can help you at the moment, need to see more of the story to come up with something suiting.
Kleenexwoman 2008-03-25 ch 1,	abuseHi, here from Reviewer’s Kingdom. Your concept is intriguing, but you rush through the backstory far too fast for my tastes. The war between the humans and the elves is fantastic—how did it happen? Where did the elves come from? How did they show themselves? How did the humans receive their appearance? How did they start destroying the cities? What kind of weapons did they have? How did they start the next World War—was it only between the humans and the elves, or did they start trying to meddle in human politics? You raise a lot of questions with your backstory, and you make it far more interesting than your main character (who, I might add, has a terrible description—“raven black hair” and “jade eyes” are horrible clichés). Please consider fleshing out your backstory before rushing straight into the main story.
kboda30 2008-03-18 ch 1,	abusehello, I'm from Reviewers Kingdom. I just read your story and it is very good! I don't really know what to say though, because I don't write stories, I write poetry. I can say I like it though. It sounds like you have quite an imagination, and for any kind of writing or anything creative, thats exactly what is needed. Congratulations on a job well done, and keep up the great work!!
dangerouslies 2008-03-18 ch 1,	abuseHi, I'm from Reviewing Kingdom so here's what I think; I like the story, its a good start and I like the idea of Elves instead of the typical 'creatures of the dark' taking revenge. There's not really much I can say to improve it other than you could phrase Madeline's description better, at the moment it sounds rather like a list, and you really should have mentioned that the Elf that saved her was hooded earlier because she most likely would have noticed it sooner than that. As it is, it sounds more like an after-thought, doing things in more chronological order will make it sound more realistic. But seriously, other than that, its a great start.
Lady DreamWriter 2008-03-16 ch 1,	abuseYou have a good start here, or at least the flesh and bones of one. However, I think that you should add more in the way of detail and explanation about what is going on in the story. The pace needs to be slowed down a little, you give the reader the barest hint about the history behind the story, and then suddenly there are things exploding and a frantic search going on without any break in between. Also as a general rule, you should type out ages or any number under 100; it helps the flow and doesn’t look as odd. A good title could be “Elves, the forgotten race” maybe. If you need any help, please feel free to contact me. Tammy Founder of Reviewers Kingdom
Roman C Lee 2008-03-16 ch 1,	abuseHm, good begining but your descriptions arent very vivid. I felt like the story was kind of rushed and things were a bit foggy. I think it it interesting plot wise but it ended too fast and it didn't really reel me in. I'm going to keep up with it and review each chapter because i really did enjoy reading this but the imagery isn't there. Describe how your main character is feeling ever step of the way, show how that influences her actions, show her incentive to follow the white elf. Describe what happens in the house, descride what she's seeing, feeling, understanding, not understanding; include it all! This story does show potentional and i'm intreaged to see how this story unfurls! ^_^ Elves are absolutly fntastic! Do you have the whole story planned out already? I'm sorry this turned out to be a horribly long review! He,he; update soon!

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