FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| simpleplan13 2008-03-11 ch 1,  | abusebut too much leaves an ache./And the ache won’t go away... leaves too much ache sounds better, but also i dont really like the repetition of ache maybe just leaves an endless ache? But I do love the candy simile and then how it turns into a blood simile because the contrast is really beautiful I like the questions it asks and the my dear at the end, it set the tone nicely. The only thing is the punctuation... I think you need a period after forever and I think it could use some comas. It's a really great piece with two really powerful similies. |