 Ryan Schiff 2008-03-11 . chapter 1When are you? Are you in the 21st century or the 16th century?
Theres no problem with writing with a modern vocabulary.
What you're trying to say kind of gets eaten up in your language. I really couldn't get too deeply involved in your poem. The second section (stanza, maybe) is very metaphoric, but I just can't figure out what you mean. It's all a bit unclear.
Third stanza is another extended metaphor, but I dont understand how you can be "meant to be innocent" and also "destined to be moved". Also, avoid archiec syntax. It's not poetic to say "Destined I am, to be moved". English has moved on as a language to a point where this is no longer correct, just confusing. Another sea? This is the first time you've mentioned a sea in the first place... maybe you're destined to be moved (moved? Is that even the word you want to use?) to /into the sea/ or /out to the ocean/ or /downstream/.
The last section/stanza is really unneeded, it just says things that you've already said and some romantic cliches. You might want to do either of the following: 1 - rewrite it in modern English or 2 - remove it entierly. |