FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| be.my.reality 2008-05-31 ch 16,  | abusek so i like the story line but you definately need to be more detailed of te surrounding and te people. Use transisitons and make te wole mother daughter conversations more realistic, not so "see how ** up this is". and oh and an idea to go off with this is, have her father call her back later on saying he eard wat wat her mother said and... hey its ur story ill let u figure it out! make longer chapters, it seems so rushed bc the chapters are so short but the last couple were longer but see if you can write like four pages on word for each chapter. i like te story line, and i think u really ahve something to work with. but wit ur future stories id have someone edit them for you ahead of time and give you feedback, bc not everyone can read your mind and sometimes a writer can skip over important details witout realizing it. wowi wrote alot. i have no life. haha well read my stiry if you want, i havent updated in forever, but if you reveiw i will! aha, PEACEOUT |
| blackoblivion13 2008-04-18 ch 13, | abuseI noticed a few gammar errors but other than that it is a two thumbs up work! ^.^ |
| SunsetSnooze 2008-04-05 ch 11, | abuseheya i thought id write a review for u to show my support i think the story is reli great but it needs to be a longer chapetr rather than so spread out but i reli like the gist of it however i think it seems too quick u sud have built up more on the locker room insult thin going on with carlos and showed the actual scene b4 it happened that was it wud have made things longer. but over all i reli like tha story i hope to c ur update soon! :) |
| Roselyn Flores 2008-04-03 ch 6, | abusethis is really good. I hope you post the next chapter soon. |
| donsilvercat3 2008-03-12 ch 2, | abusefirst: I have read 3 chapters second: the comments by groovacious(?) are very good. I would not be quite so emphatic but she is on the right track. in chapter two: the exchange between 3A and chubby is realistic by itself but to say that the whole cafeteria became silent and listened is a little much (unless it is a very small school) The transitions from classroom to cafeteria to library seem abrupt. A little development of who and what is going on might help but keep is short and clear so as not to interrupt the flow of the story. This story has real possiblities..many readers will relate to it. good luck don. |
| groovacious 2008-03-12 ch 1, | abuseThis can have potential and the story will probably be able to identify with a lot of readers. First, undo the bold font it's really distracting and whenever you begin a story, don't describe how you look. It sounds awkward and thrown on there. As you go through the story, give hints as to how your protaganist looks. There are a lot of overused expressions on here i.e. "something made from the heavens," or "can you see my problem here" (well the latter is more of a question but do you see what I mean)? Try to make it as realistic as possible and see if you can imagine people in that situation or yourself even. What would you do? How will you react? Etc... Hoped I helped. Ask me any questions if you need clarification. -groovacious |
| cyanidecandy 2008-03-11 ch 1, | abuseanother cliche !! wahh i'm a sucker for cliches. gota love them :) anyway, good starting point ! keep on updating ! *story alert* |