when I sat down to read this as a means to kill time until I got tired again from my late night disturbance from sleep, I didn't expect it to take me until daylight to finish. I suppose I under estimate the length of a story on my large monitor, and over estimate my ability to read quickly. Despite all that I feel no regret. It has a lot of colorful metaphors and imagery. A few things here and there could use revision but that can be said for even the greatest examples of any art form. As a whole I very much enjoyed this story as well as the characters. Great work lovely. I'll be bookmarking you and checking out more on another day when I'm not suffering from deprived sleep.

This was interesting and full of beautiful imagery. As a shounen-ai writer of seven years I don't come upon these stories very often. I will say that you should make seperate paragraps when someone talks.

Here's how your paragraph should look.

Still clinging to Takumi's chest desperately, Kaito told him everything.

"I found a small knife that Daichi used to open mail in the nightstand drawer, and used it to take off the hinges. I went across the hall and grabbed a weight, the knife was too small to do anything. That's when I heard your voice, Takumi. I saw Daichi's back facing me and I swung.

" Kaito's voice trembled, "I was so relieved when I saw he wasn't dead, even though I knew what he would have done to us if he had the chance. Every time I looked at him I still saw Daichi, my Daichi. You dragged him to the door and started trying to open it. I only watched you for a second, but when I turned back around he was gone. I knew he was in the apartment somewhere, so I went after him." Kaito looked at Takumi, "All I could think of was protecting you. Nothing but that seemed to matter. I heard a noise coming from the bedroom, and without thinking, I just went right in. As soon as I did he grabbed me from behind. But this time I fought back. I shut off my brain and thought of nothing, but protecting you. We struggled for a few minutes, and crashed into the mirror.

We both grabbed pieces of the shattered glass." Kaito pushed away from Takumi gently, "I didn't even hesitate, I just knew that I had to protect you no matter what." Kaito's eyes filled with tears, "I lunged and he lunged, he got my face… and I... I got his throat."

Kaito's voice cracked as the tears finally broke free, he'd been putting the ache in his heart aside all day, and now he couldn't hold back any longer. "I loved him Takumi!",he said through tears, "I really did love him, he was my only real family, the only person who ever cared. How could I kill someone I loved?"


This is better then the conglomoration that you had before. You also have a few errors but it's nothing a good once over wouldn;t fix. They are minor details.

I'll be back for another chapter seeing as a like the angst (I write for this genre so it's nice to see a story in my spectrum) Good luck with your next chapter.

If you wish or simply have the time, feel free to check out some of my works. You may like them.

Wow! I am so amazed at the brilliance of this story. It's so very heartwarming and suspenseful I couldn't stop reading. It's very hard to grab a reader's attention from the start and hold it, but you did a fabulous job.