Wow. This is very impressive. The parenthetical references, while not grammatical, are very nicely done. That's the reason we hand out poetic license, lest anyone doubt. I think they definitely add something, the way the information becomes revealed. It's something slipping out from behind the mask, something we weren't supposed to see or know, but still do. Of course, the insights are very exact.

One thing that I would look into, though I love the parenthetical, they do become a little heavy in the last couple of paragraphs. I don't know, something about the way it changes the pace of everything. The only other thing would be to watch parallelism. Like in "desire, need, crave the opportunity to." Since you have two single words, the third one seems out of place.

I love this, to be honest. Wonderfully written, beautifully executed. Of course, there are always ways to improve. Good luck on future work, and thank you for a lovely respite.

Gata