I thought the setting in the first scene was played out very nicely. You didn't bluntly say it was a jailhouse, but you dropped enough hints at the beginning that I knew where the characters were without you actually having to say it.

I also like that you chose to open Mary Sue's scene with a physical description of her. At first, I didn't like this; in fact, it turned me off quite a bit. But by the end of he scene, I had a smile on my face because I knew what you were going for. Because she's a Sue, of course, the first thing a Sue is a associated with is her looks, which are always perfect, even though she doesn't see their true perfection (in true Sue style). So kudos for beginning that scene in the right frame of mind.

And that leading into her perfect grades just set the scene off. . .

The only think I sort of didn't care for was some of the dialogue between MS and Daemon near the end of the chapter. Mary's, oddly, sounded very real, but some of Daemon's came off a bit stiff. However, I think this might have been due more to a lack of.. .stage direction/character movement than to the actual dialogue. After all, he's saying so much, but doing so little at the moment. And, in comparison to the first scene we see with him, some of the entertainment of his 'mystery' character fades with the directness of the dialogue.

One of my favorite line: "I forced the next door open, releasing a shower of dust and wood splinters. Somehow, I managed to evade the onslaught of dirt that fell so that not a speck landed on my pristine hair and clothes." Hahaha! How perfectly Sue-ish! Sorry, that probably shouldn't have been as funny as it was. . .

Nice chapter!

--ADS, from The Review Marathon (see my profile for a link)

Well, I don't quite like Mary Sue yet, but she isn't annoying the heck out of me, so I guess you could say that your experiment is working :D

Your writing's nearly flawless, the only thing I'd take a look at is this 'Startled, I dropped my camera, which landed on the wooden floor with a shatter'. With a shatter just sounds odd to me. Maybe it could be rephrased to, 'I dropped my camera, which landed on the wooden floor, the lens shattering.' But that's probably just my personal taste coming into play.

Your characters are really great, and interesting so far. There's the wrongly accused jailbird, the Mary Sue, the insanely in love student. All of this is making for a wonderful set up. I'll be back to read more ASAP. For now, I'm off to take on NaNoWriMo once more!

-Ink-

Era, here!

Dialogue- I like your dialogue. It's very natural, which I suppose shouldn't surprise me, but somehow does, considering what the story is. I especially like the first conversation, between Maribel and Daemon, and the one between the lead and Daemon, because they let me look at him.

Enjoyment- I love it! I read it once before and didn't review for some reason, and kept meaning to, and here it it because I really like this chapter (gotta read the rest). It doesn't seem very sue-ish, or parody-ish, and I think you did what you were aiming to do on that note.

Plot- Ooh... Murder! Revenge! Makes me think of Shakespeare, who I hate, but you make it so much more interesting! I can't wait to see how her path will collide further with Daemon's!

Characters- I REALLY like Daemon. He wasn't a killer, but might become one, and he's so mysterious. Although I don't think he'd actually hurt her, because it's not her doing that he was in prison. But I also love how Mary just asks him who he killed, instead of bolting from the convicted man!

All in all, very nicely done, even with the Mary Sue thing. Actually, the fact that it's intentionally done makes it awesome. Love it lefty!

Era

Review Marathon prize!

There was definitely some interesting character development in this chapter. That's good, just make sure there's plot in there too.

Nice dialogue, too.

Colin's annoying... so persistant. He just doesn't get it.

So Nikki says she didn't see him come out...but would she have, unless she was watching the door the whole time? (which would be creepy...)

I don't know if the slap was necessary. It seemed like over reacting to me.

I love how you write! It's as if all of the errors you make are done knowingly, and you have the perfect amount of narrator presence. It's fun to read!
I'm not sure that I quite get the whole convict thing, though. It's too convenient that she hears about his escape and then *poof*, he's there. That would be understandable given the need to introduce characters quickly and all, but he seems to have an entirely different personality than he did at the beginning. He's no longer sad-sounding (at the beginning) and truly does seem scary, 'cept that Mary Sues have to be brave, so he ends up spilling his guts. I think that the key to writing a good Mary Sue is making all of the other characters seem real, or else blaming them for her Mary Sue-ness-- this unrealistic personality may be one of the things that keeps you from succeeding!
Overall, characterwise, I currently see the Mary Sue-ness, but don't hate MS for it. So it really depends on how you choose to continue, because right now you're winning the battle to make her likeable!
(this is your prize review. Thanks SO much for having stories! :D)

Congratulations almighty winner of the RM! Here is your prize review!

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I think you really started to flesh out some more characters and develop the plot.

I liked your scene with Christian. You started to tell more about his character and his relaitonship with Mary Sue. Very good sob story with Mary Sue, too. What is a Mary Sue without a sob story about her tragic past? It's really developing her character well.

The scene with Daemon felt a bit rushed. Not really the scene itself, but the information that was in it. This is the second time they met, and they're already beginning to talk pretty casually with each other. Daemon's also telling a lot to this girl he just met. Also, Mary Sue didn't seem to shocked that a teacher at her university/college killed someone. And why does she believe that Daemon isn't the killer so easily? Like I said before, it's hard to say what's just part of the Mary Sue idea and what are things that you could honestly improve.

This story sounds quite intersting. I'll be sure to read some more once I'm done with my RM and writer's block reviews!

I’m putting off writing my own stuff, prowling around – and saw the title of this chapter – which could prove inspirational. So, thought I’d review while I’m here…

I have to remember that I read this in reverse and get the plot back in my head, but I’ll admit I liked the first paragraph from a flow perspective. I was able to visualize where we were and what was going on.

I liked the initial touching of the shoulder – but then Colin grabs her there again. The second time you might want to make it more physically intimidating, adding to the pressure to take Colin there, and add to the believability that she caves. But then Daemon grabs her shoulder too. You might want to shake things up a bit, or the poor thing will bruise.

“No. But she’s certainly not going to date you.” {liked this side of his character}

Colin would have barged in and assumed Daemon was my boyfriend. And what would have happened then? {I understand colin is interested in M. – but her anxiety here is a bit much. The punching, capture is far more catastrophic don’t you think?}

The conversation in her room was good – along with her “slight disappointment”. I liked the flow of the dialogue there and could almost see her pout.

Chris calls to talk about a rumor? Seems like new ground could be covered here – maybe a rumor that a dangerous crimal has been sighted in the area, and he’s worried. You could loop back something about his past affiliation wth the university and build suspense – people on the “look out”. …. Just a thought. The conversation as it is adds little (you’ve already had it with others at the dorm and even the cashier at the restaurant). In short, I thought the chapter ending could be more of a cliff hanger, but I’ve started to work on that myself, so maybe my expectations were just higher. I know your time right now is short, but it just felt like you ran out of energy and stopped writing…….or maybe it’s just that I want more….which could be a good thing.

Here's your freebie review finally!

I really like your idea for this. It's very unique. I've read a good amount of Sue bashings and a heck of a lot of Mary Sues, but I've never come accross a story that intentionally had a serious Mary Sue.

It's hard to say just from the prologue, but I think Mary Sue definately has the potential to grow on people, like fungus, as you said. I like that you wrote this is first person. If you wrote it in third person, you'd either have to give the readers negative opinions of her from other characters, which would turn this into a Sue bashing, or you'd give them a nice strong dose of the other characters' extreme adoration of her, and by "nice," I mean the complete opposite of nice. With the first person, you can still get the point accross that she's a Mary Sue and everyone loves her through others' actions, and without drowning the readers in it.

As far as concrit... I hate to break it to you, but you've really got a Mary Sue here. Hahaha... yeah, I know that wasn't funny -_- It's kind of hard to sort out the Mary Sue and anyhting else that could be improved in this, as I'm sure you can guess. I suppose the paragraph sizes towards the end got a bid strange. There were a bunch of consistant, normal-sized parapraphs, an abnormally big one, then a bunch of small ones. The paragraph describing Daemon was a bit hard to read (but not too bad, I've definately read worse) and the short ones felt a bit choppy after a while.

I'm glad you asked me to review this. I admit, I probably wouldn't have read this if I had just come accross it outside of the RG, but I really did enjoy it. I think this really has the potential to become a good story. I look forward to reading more, but you're gonna have to win another review from me, of course ^.~ Or I could just be nice and read it just for fun! Who knows...

Fight For the Freebie review!

Kudos on the first scene's setting, because I immediately knew where they were (I dont know the word for it but I have seen it in many jail movies :D)

I am a bit miffed about the Plexiglas. Why is it capitalized? Isn't it just a normal word/name? Like soda? Or is it a specific brand name (like Coca Cola) and thus capitalized? Just seems strange to me, that's all.

Maribel is a red-head? Somehow I find this go well together :o I already picture that little devil. With a smug grin too.

"I’ll get you back, Maribel! No matter what it takes, I’m going to get revenge!"
I think this part is unnecessary. I assume the rest of the story, we will see him and his attempts at revenge? it will come as a much cooler surprise to the readers if this is excluded and we're left in the dark about it for now. We can still, judging by his reaction, know why he is after Maribel (should he pursue her in later chapters). This part was thus too blunt for me.

"Back then, everyone was envious of my hair;"
Huh? Back then? is this a re-telling? That's kind of nice hint at that, then.

"I answered regretfully."
Regretfully? Huh? Why? Not of the action, about the word. 1 - its an adverb (enemy) and 2 we already know she wants to go, she said so herself. No need to repeat the same thing twice. If you dont think the dialog shows it efficiently, show through her actions then, rather than being blunt.

"even though I’m a poly sci major"
non american frac has no clue what this is. Fill me in later :p

"Supposedly some murderer escaped from jail a week ago"
REVENGE!
Dun duun DUN!

"Reaching numbed fingers into my bag"
Reaching MY numbed, right? Otherwise it could be anyone's! O.o Which is kind of creepy
And kind of awesome, if Mary Sue goes around collecting fingers

"Somehow, I managed to evade the onslaught of dirt"
"At first, I wanted to scream, but somehow, I managed to hold it in."

Stop with the "somehow"'s. It's a really weak word is a deus-ex-machina type of explaining mechanism. It just takes away rather than add.

"“So you’ve never… been to jail or anything like that?”"
Uh..what? O.o
This man himself is innocent (it seems) and this person he's talking to is really just a kid! Why would he expect such a thing (and from someone so easily intimidated). It just felt like an odd thing for him to say. He doesnt come from the criminal underground world where this might be normal. he is a professor and going to jail is not common in his world. He knows this. That question makes no sense nor his attitude around it.

Mary Sue questioning this man who just grabbed a hold of her and promised to kill her was way off.
"“Husbands kill their wives even when they love them. Maybe you two got into a fight and it went wrong. Maybe it was an accident,” I said with a shrug."
Shrugging too? She is being way too casual with this person for no reason (well I dont see any reason why she wouldnt run the heck away). He might be mentally unstable, for all she knows.

"It was then I realized that I’d been in the house for a while"
No she hadn't!
She went there (in a matter of minutes too) after talking to Christian. Then she took "a few" photos on the outside. Then she entered the house (free from dirt) and instantly walked into this room, where the killer is at, and they had this dialog which would only take about 5 minutes. I'd say she has been there a short time. Perhaps if you just said it was getting late?

So here will come a synopsis of my thoughts of the different parts of this chapter:

Jail part: Good setup and such. Lets us know a general gist of the plot. A bit too blunt on exclaiming revenge immediately due to taking away dramatic entrance later on.

Meeting with Christian: Bland. Wasn't too much into it. Standard conversation about mundane things while nothing interesting were being said or done. Except the mention of killer on the loose. That was good foreshadowing.
The excessive descriptions of Mary Sue was a agitating to read. I have no suggestion how to better it though, sorry.

At the house: Interesting. I think I will come to enjoy the two (as I assume they will interact more). However, their communication and behavior towards each other were not really realistic. Daemon was way too obvious about everything

So he is a convicted killer in a house not his own, and he sees someone inside it.The logical thing do is (according to Daemon Sharp) to confront this person, NOT kill them, let them go free, and hope she doesn't call the cops, because that would hinder his revenge plans which seems to be all he has going for him, but letting that rest in the hands of a stranger is normal? O.o Why didnt he just stay hidden? The whole "I will kill you" thing was nicely done and cool and I liked him for it, but then he starts to go on about his complaining rant "i didnt do it, boho" kind of deal, and I really dont know what he is going for here! Scaring her or nagging her? If he wanted to intimidate her into shutting up, he shouldnt say things like he hasnt killed because that would mean she wouldnt fear it as much. Right?
Basically, such background info could come in later chapters, methinks.

I liked this part (with the two of them) the best, which is why I am focusing my crit on it, because I wanna make it even better, haha.
Just enforce a bit more realism and it's gonna be awesome.

That part was what made the chapter for me. First part wasn't enough for me (felt a bit thin on its own) and the descriptions+Christian was honestly just not to my taste,so this made me intrigued by the story, hah.

Wow, I wrote a lot. O.o I need to learn how to shut up
Frac

hmm, I guess I'll leave two reviews. I reviewed this story before but wasn't too thorough I guess. I'll read the other chapters I have yet to read.. .but anyway, don't you think mary sue trusted daemon a little.. quickly? He's a convicted felon, who would believe him? And he hasn't done/truly said anything to gain her trust, except yeah, he says he's innocent, but all felons do that. That's the only thing that struck me as a bit odd, that as a "goody two shoes", she would not turn him in and trusted him instantly. I'm getting a kind of "dumb blond" vibe from her. And she didn't seem all that frightened at meeting him either, and like -- when she first saw him, it didn't quickly occur to her he was the escaped felon, even though there were a million things pointing that he was, and as a straight A hardworking student, you think she would have thought he was the escaped convict instantly. But anyway... yeh, moving onward. Writing is nice, fast paced, easy read, easy to understand, no grammatical errors so far, etc.

Hmm.
"The main road through the campus stretched from the east end to the west end and passed most of the major buildings. It was a generally well-traveled road, but today, I didn’t see many people. Perhaps it was because it was winter vacation. I shoved my numbing hands into my pockets and sighed."

I think that this whole paragraph is just awkward. Not much of it fits together and the first sentance is worded weird and kind of a run on.

Wow. Colin shows up a lot. Haha.

"I shuffled inside, Daemon following me. As we walked inside"
Repetition of 'inside'.

Wow. That makes me angry that Lisa is telling everyone. o.O
That's dumb.

Hmm.
Well I'm excited to see what happens next. :)
This is going good so far and I want to know the outcome.
I mean... He is coming to school to get revenge, right? So when's that going to happen?

Nice job!
Good luck!

"Drunk with sleep,"
I like that phrase.

Oh wow.
Everyone's just talking about her... Do they have no lives? o.O

Hmm.
This is an even shorter review.
I'm trying to think of what I can say.
Once again, the characters are sort of bipolar in the sense that they just randomly change emotions very quickly.
I don't know if you wanna chill out with that.

I like the rumor, because it makes me connect with Mary Sue, I think, a little bit more.

I think Daemon is very 'wise' in the sense he is kind of like a father figure to Mary Sue, (except.. not really because of the crush) but I think sometimes his reactions are immature.
Just a suggestion.
Anyways.

Nice job!

"“Ah! Um… right! Sorry,”"
That dialogue seems forced. It fits with the rest, but it's not something someone would really actually say, I think.

"I could feel my heart thrashing against my ribs. My face burned. What was this feeling?"


Ahaha. Made me laugh.

"He then walked back to the desk and sat down. He looked at my unfinished math homework."
The looking at the math homework sentance is just... so... abrupt, I think. I don't know. I don't think it flows with the rest of the paragraph.

Ooh. o.O
I like it. :)
I like the romantic tension. You say you didn't like it because the characters were out of character but I don't think so.

I like how Mary Sue did the whole pretend kiss thing, just because it's weird and creepy and crazy.
And I'd totally do it.
lmfao.
The thing is, it's real. And I like that.

I don't know how I feel about her being such a stranger to crushes though. That's kind of weird.
But overall I like this. :)

Oh and I like when the girl found out about Daemon. The pace and dialogue was perfect. You almost had my heart racing because I was nervous for Mary Sue.

Great job!

Okay.

"Then, I took my bag and purse and headed out the door."
What's the difference between her bag and her purse?

Rys? wtf? Ahah. Okay then. I suppose we'll find out later.

Okay, I think Mary Sue's reactions are a little cheesy and non realistic.
This is a serious type of moment and she just kind of grins in excitement at her ideas.
That seems something more like a child would do, not a junior in college.

Hm.
I'm sorry I'm not saying much more as I review.
I'm trying to give CC but I'm telling you all I think of! Haha.
It's mostly very good.

For the most part I like the character developement. Like I said, just certain things that I point out seem a little unrealistic. Other than that, everything is great! :)

Okay.
So far, so good.


Hmm.
I think the whole, "I'll give you a different nickname" thing was sort of weird.
I mean, if he didn't like her current nickname, why didn't he just call her by her given name?

And his reactions were kind of weird. Being all bipolar and everything. I don't know.
Just my opinion?

Hm.
I wonder what role Colin plays in this, since he was so random? Haha.

Awe.
Why do people hate Mary Sue? I sure don't.
I generally like her character. If anything, some of her 'perfect' points would be managing to get the chains off after she whined about how she was weak, or about how Colin was "one of the many guys who asked her out when she declined."

Other than that, I'm liking it. :)