Wow, this is great! I mean, the details are awesome and it's the right amount. Not too much and not too little. It's an amazing story!
The story line is entertaining and the comedy scenes are amusing and creative.
Also, the characters are well done. I can picture them very well.

Hi^^

Um I am guessing this is a manga fic? Well your wording in on key and the flow is great, but this has a very story tale feel to it. It sounds like you are narrating as if you are um speaking of a child's story to a group of kids. How to explain, it just simply sounds like you are reading out loud to the reader (or maybe it's just me?) Not saying anything's wrong with the stories flow of words, just the way you are telling it T_T

I love crazy colored hair. I am not sure why people don't find certain colors of hair funny XD


That was a witty and very cute chapter^^ Like I said it had nice flow and description that make a good story but reading it..well I stated above, great job other wise^^ I don't know if I thanked you for the review you gave me but thanks.

Returning the favor,Blazn, Via The Roadhouse ^^

Heh... certainly not a story of your kind. But I found it refreshing and entertaining and I'm very sad to see you put this on hold. It could make a nice "gateaway" from you, usual projects.
The characters are cool and the events funny.
I'll be certainly looking forward to more from this piece.

I really liked this story. It had a good comical manga feel to it. Your writing style is really good, I couldn't even tell that English was your second language. I look forward to more of this one. I'll check out some of your other stuff too.

Finally I've got around to reading this and it was funny. I always enjoyed good, harem stories and this shows posibilities. The characters seem typhical so far, but you manage to put them together and in an interesting way (I wonder what's their story).
Hope you'll update... eventually ;)
Good job.

I've got a couple things to get off my chest first. One this is my first review and completed read ever. I normally just write, but I wanted to started contributing back to the community. And well you gave me a good solid review that I haven't seen in a while so I wanted to return the favor. Since it is my first review I'm going to muddle through things until figure this out. Anyway, I'll break things up into two sections.

First, I'll comment on the story and the elements before the grammar. I picked this because partially I'm developing my own harem manga currently and two because it was only one chapter so it had a stopping point. Anyway, that aside, I could definitely get the feeling you had a solid grasp on the harem sub-genre. While not always necessary, having a violent girl character does certainly hold up to the standard and makes things entertaining. I did not find any of her moments to be out of place and her personality type seemed to hit the mark quite well, so good job on that.

The addition of the two friends seems to be critical in the harem genre these days as almost a counter balance to main character as well as a peanut gallery commentary. You have the stereotypical male that has eyes only for girls and narrow minded in that focus. So you certainly filled those roles well and if you do plan to use them for more than humor sake that will be interesting since harem genre typically leave them ignored and always sadly crying alone for girls that they can never have. I look forward to seeing you make them into something more than what they are normally regulated to in other harem anime/manga.

I like that you even had the positive pep talk from the main character to one of the girls since giving up-lifting life-altering speeches is one of the teary hallmarks for the male character, that or saving them from danger. The challenge will be to maintain it without sounding repetitive, you've got a good start though.

This part tends to vary from anime/manga to anime/manga on their approach, but you seemed to manage to introduce all of the female characters in the chapter. It all comes down to preference, I tend to be a little bias since Tenchi remains my favorite and it was slower in introductions rather than dropping them all in your lap at once. But I did like that you did not just immediately put all of the girls there, some just had a cameo moment and disappeared. It is probably paced better that way.

I think you hit pretty well on the comedy. It is just the first chapter so I know this is just setting pacing. But you did a good job of putting amusing accidents with the girls and having the violent humor. Naturally, over the course of the run of the story you will want to introduce other forms of humor to keep things mixed up. It can be easy to do the violent girl humor, but it will become old if you do it too much. That is often why there are several very eccentric personalities, like the science type that wants to use the main character for experiments and the cute chibi type that wants him to play dress up in silly outfits. Understandably, these can be more visual jokes, but keep in mind to keep things mixed up as you continue. I only say this because I while I haven't seen the other sides of all of the girls yet it looked like it could be problem you might run into later to keep in mind while things are still early. Otherwise I think you got a good start on the humor.

On the characters I thought it was a little strange for the main character to be so open about acknowledging the beauty and being stuck in thought about one of the women, the one on the bike. I don't know if I worded that to come out right with the intention I was trying to convey, simply put the reaction and thoughts Hideki had seemed a little off to me (I only say this with the mind set of the standard male harem main character in mind). A blush is pretty common; it just seems a little more common for the main character to be more innocent in the areas of romance (or girls) and most often feeling that the affections of the girls are a burden rather than something that they wish. They would sooner run away and naturally play innocent while getting hit into next week by said violent girl for being a pervert when they are just a person of misfortune. But apart from that minor comment about Hideki, I did not find any of the other characters strange or out of place. I think you did a good job even giving the girls that briefly appear a solid glimpse into their personality for you to see even in the short time they were present. I like that you gave Hideki a goal as well, it works well into the genre and should make for a good center piece of entertainment as you progress.

The second section is grammar. I noticed that you frequently used commas throughout your sentences in places that seemed like they might have been a pause in thought (or speech if you were reading this out loud), but unnecessary structurally. I question my own use of commas as well, so I might be off base. It just seemed that you could have done with fewer of them.

I noticed that you would commonly place multiple character's dialogue in the same paragraph. In story format a different character's dialogue would start a new paragraph. This also helps to keep dialogue straight when reading.

As for spelling or missing words I only noticed a few errors. So it was overall well proofed. And aside from the commas I did not really see any noticeable grammar errors. Overall, grammar and structure is solid.

Final words, I think you got yourself a solid start here with a good grasp on the genre. I'll be interested to see this when you continue it. I'm always a sucker for harem, especially the ones that make me emotional. Good luck.

P.S. Sorry for the really long review, but I unfortunately forgot the meaning of straight to the point and short ages ago. Hope this is what you want.

Quite a story you have there. I have a feelibng this can be a good one, especially on the humor aspect. I already like all the characters and can't wait to see how their adventures will procceed.
The comedy part was nicely done and I can tell this piece is different from your other works, but I still like it. Great job and keep the updates coming!

Hey! It's been a while, hasn't it?
Anyway, I see you even began a romantic comedy. This is something I did not saw coming, knowing how your, other stories look. Lets see here: the characters are mostly likable (Makeru is a perv, but he's funny so for the time being I don't mind him) and the humorous parts are nicely done. You did crack me up a few times, especially with Hinako.
The romance was lacking up till now, but since it's just the beginning, I guess it's understandable. I'll be looking out for posible updates, so I do hope you're not gonna drop this piece.
Good job.

Well, thought I'd return the favor for that review. Seems to be the traditional beginning of a harem comedy, but then again that's what a harem comedy is all about... one guy and too many girls that all squabbel over him.

The eventual conclusion is that either one of them will be decided on as the writer has the others grow up and find other love interests, or the hero starts sharing.

Anyways, I'll probably not keep up with this, Tenchi Muyo and Ranma were never that appealing to me, but I'll look into your other works.

So, you're doing romantic comedies too?
This was very enjoyable: I laughed quite a bit and the characters are likable. Hideki isn't my favorite, but I certianly like him, so I'm hoping you will update this piece someday. It'd be a shame to leave it as is.

The story definetly deserves to be a humor/romance. I was laughing while rading it. But I don't wanna do the average "That was great" crap. I want to help you get better, now what to say... well you did place some commas wrong. Mostly grammar, not much I saw. I liked the story, I hope to see more.

Interesting. I never saw you as a romantic comedy type, but you really managed to pull it of (well, comedy part at least). I like Hinako and the scene at the end was funny. Certainly this is a tale to look out for, if only would keep on updating it.
On my part: very nicely done.

This is just too cute!
I must admit that you really got my attention with this. Hideki is adorable and Hinako + Makeru rock (hopefully they'll end up together... that'd be a twist XD).
While I prefer reverse harem (well, I am a girl), this sounds extremely interesting and knowing you: it most certainly will be.
Hope you'll update it sometime soon!

You're doing comedy too?
Well, back to the point: this chapter was fun to read - it had just the right amount of comedy to entertain and comedy on a apropriate level. There wasn't much romance, but some characters (Hinako and Makeru especially) are fun to read about and give great hopes for more comedy.
I see there are still some deep themes and mysteries for later, like in most of your works XD
To sum up: I think this is a very promising piece and I sure hope you'll continue it.
Great job!

good story so far needs more witnesses to what happening though