Great story, Dani! Personally, I don't see the politeness clashing with the slang. I mean, I know some people that are like that, so, for me, I think it was fine. Somehow, though, after being a part of your RP, I can't see Will doing that to his brother, but for this story, I think that was such an awesome twist. Well done and keep up the good work!

~Anna

Good story all round, but I have to argree with the pervous reviewer that other then the slag your chars are a little too well manered. But long-winded phases seems to be part of your style, and your good at it. But just think maybe you need to make your chars sound gruffer it some ponits. Maybe you should check out the Westeren short I wrote called "A miner's choice" to see other people use slag. Its a REALLY good peice though!

Hey! It's been a while since I've been to fictionpress, but I'm back. Nice to see that you've a new story up!

Interesting perspective. I suck at first person, but you did it rather well. Your grammar was almost spot-on. I just caught this:

"He moved his hand to his side and that is when I took full note of the situation. "

I think that should be "...his side and that was when I..." Just a little tense shift there.

Otherwise, your writing was nice and strong. Good job on that! One thing though is that I found the writing to not really match the slangs that were being used. He seemed to sound a bit too polite and well-educated besides the slangs. Try making it sound a bit harsher. Break apart the pretty sentences and state them in blunter ways. As I said, I'm not too good at this, but you might want to check out fellow fictionpress author KnittingKneedle's "The Last Summer" for an example of how it's done.

Good job either way, though. You've done very thorough research, which made the story much more believeable. Very admirable effort!

If you have time, please give me some feedback too. I'm sure you would help me greatly if you were to comment on my newest story "Stolen Flight"! I could understand if you have no time though, so no pressure there, haha.

Until next time!

-Dexterity