Reviews for Ode to an Orange - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Ode to an Orange

Midnight In Eden 2008-03-27 ch 1,	abuseFirst thing first. Punctuation. You do not need to have a punctuation mark at the end of each sentence. It makes this poem look messy and jars the flow in places. Line breaks and punctuation work together to create an even flow but not always at the same time. For example, the comma at the end of the first line breaks the phrase "Your thick skin’s made up of". Also, you virtually never need a comma before an "and" (especially in lists). You also use a lot of commas when periods would be more appropriate. For instance, the first eleven lines are one sentence which doesn't make sense at all. A period would be more appropriate at the ends of lines 4 and 8. You also overdose on exclamation marks. Too many makes this seem almost sarcastic in the extreme glee the exclamation marks convey. Also, this is just craving structure and most importantly, stanzas. To get stanzas on here go to quick edit/preview after you upload the story. Then hit shift+backspace to get rid of all the little breaks that FP makes before entering in carefully your own breaks. That should work, if it doesn't keep playing around in quick edit until it does. Also, I really think this needs longer lines. Right now it feels very disconnected - especially the start. The first four lines could easily be two i.e. Your thick skin’s made up of plateaus, mountains and curves. This creates a smoother flow and rhythm. Try to keep fairly similar line length or at least syllable count to help that. Now that the technicalities are out of the way, let's move on to the content. Personally I feel that this is too long and because of that it tenders to feel self indulgent at times. If condensed and made more concise (as well as focused) this could be a striking piece but at the moment you're rambling and I got bored about half way through. You need to keep your reader interested with each line, each phrase and by constantly repeating description it's falling flat. In terms of specific imagery and phrasing - things like "made up of" are very simple and overtly wordy. In comparison "composed of" or " is a little more interesting. Then descriptions like "little", "slightly prolonged" or "textured" are quite abstract and rather clinical. It's also too verbose. Those four lines (lines5-8) could easily be condensed to two with snappier language. You also double up on descriptions i.e. "You are exceedingly orange in hue,/Like the sun as it sets,/Or as bright as blooming flowers,/Dappled with miniscule dots," Pick one and go with it, don't put an "or" in there. I'd go with the latter because it's less trite. Another double up is "In the inside". The "in" is superfluous because of the "inside". Be wary of doubling up simple phrases like that. Basically, your imagery needs to be more specific, vivid and less "ramble-y". Get to the point with your images and this will be a lot more focused because, again, by the middle of the poem I was forcing myself to read through to the end. You need to interest your reader a lot more and cut down the self indulgent extra that crowds this poem. Good luck with an edit, Midnight
simpleplan13 2008-03-18 ch 1,	abuseYour thick skin’s made up,/Of plateaus,... I didnt like made up of. It just seemed kinda bleh. Maybe composed of or just your thick skin is, but I did like the image there Next, I ponder all your uses... that line seems really unnecessary I think it's obvious when you go to the next line that's what youre doing Why,/With you I could juggle!... I think that could work well as one line You describe the orange so beautifully and the beginning is especially unique describing it's skin... really nicely done. The other unique part is going from when it was grown... it's something I had never read before However I don't like how the apples came out of nowhere... I might just stick with the orange and one orange since your title seems to imply the you about the orange is singular I do love calling the grocery cart somber... that was really interesting
Kiss.Today.Goodbye 2008-03-18 ch 1,	abuseYay! a fellow person who thinks of oranges through poems. My poem was just about eating an orange though :) It made me happy reading this, there is lots of nice imagery and it flowed well. Occasionally I didn't like your rhymes as they seemed a little off, and I felt line 10 which was just a "Why" could have been joined with line 11 as the first word. Very nice poem, well done.
Tranquil Thorns 2008-03-17 ch 1,	abuseInteresting poem! An ode to a fruit: I like it. =P Regarding the line 'In the inside of you is this saccharine juice,' I'd cut out the 'in the' and leave it as 'inside of you is this saccharine juice'. I thought it was a little repetitive otherwise. 'Why it is pure summer in a bite' is lovely. Great wording! I'm craving fruit now.

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