Reviews for Claire - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Claire

Bitten by a cow 2008-04-12 ch 2,	abuseOh, one thing I forgot to mention last chapter: you made it sound as though Lee likes Philip when you said she blushed about him. I think it would be better if you said something like, she "mumbled nervously" or something. When you use verbs that have emotion, you want to make sure that they have the right emotion. While I'm babbling about emotion verbs, I just read that Philip "snaked his hand around her waist." If he's trying at all to make Claire comfortable, then he would probably not do that. Why is he holding her, if he's so awkward? And I'm almost positive that there aren't any doctors who would force a girl to hold a guy's hand. Ah, but I like this part here: Philip asks her if she's looked in the morning, and she answers, "Every morning." That really is a good - err, that's not the right word...how about sad, depressing - reply. I really felt how sad she was. That was excellent. The only thing is, you wrote, "'Every morning.' Claire said," which, as I said a minute ago, is a little more difficult to read. I think if you just changed it to, "Every morning,' Claire stated (add adverb here, like, stiffly or solemnly, etc.)." Oh, one more thing. You keep using their names, but I suggest you use pronouns (he, she, it, etc.) more often. If you just have a guy and a girl in a particular scene, then it's even more effective. It's a bit more difficult if you have two girls or two guys, or whatever, but it's still helpful to the reader if you use pronouns more often than not. Philip has grinned a lot. Try using a few more verbs for it, like, smiled, smirked, and so on. Wow. I love the beating-of-Philip part. I think I'd do that too, though. Pervert, he is, to just grab her waist like that. That was an amazing scene. Please, do that again! Well, I'll be honest: the last scene was a little cliche. While nothing is really wrong with being cliche, it can always gain improvement. I'd suggest just going over that last bit and changing up a few small things. I also think that, after Philip's "speech," he would actually kiss her, rather than hug her. However, that is entirely up to you. I hope my large criticism has helped. If I offended you in any way whatsoever, I apologize deeply. That's it! Bitten Smile! :) God loves you!
Bitten by a cow 2008-04-12 ch 1,	abuseOuch. That's a very mean grandma. Note: you used, "'Person's words here.' They said." But proper grammar would be, "'Person's words here,' they said." It's not much of a difference, but it's easier to read. Also, try to spark up your writing with more powerful verbs and nouns. "Said" works sometimes, but overusing it can bore readers. Try using colorful verbs, like, "Smirked," "Muttered," "Hissed," and "Screeched," (my personal favorite) because they are all strong verbs that show emotion. "Stated" is also good for a solemn character. Looking up words in a thesaurus is helpful, too) often gives you a bigger and more exciting vocabulary. Hmm...I think that's all I can critique! I like how you made Claire confused by Philip, and how she had a rather depressing background. Just spice up your vocabulary a bit, switch to the comma instead of the period when your characters are speaking, and it's all good! Bitten Smile! :) God loves you!
Miss Toadstool 2008-03-30 ch 2,	abuse(Are you cold, or is your cheery spirit merely shining through more today then usual?) hahaha. that sounds like a really polite pickup line. aw my gosh! that was so incredibly sweet! well done, seriously. so wonderful. you have a talent :)
Miss Toadstool 2008-03-30 ch 1,	abuseum... excuse me, miss, why haven't you ever told me to read more of your stories!? I totally love this! I'm only half way down the chapter, but it's awesome. Hahaha I just feel dumb for not reading this before now. phillip is such a sweet heart. can't wait to read the rest :)
Nina Kindred 2008-03-28 ch 2,	abuseFabulous! I haven't seen a girl in a shell story this good since Rocky. Rocky I that is. Keep up the great work. I can't wait!
Tickle my Pickle 2008-03-18 ch 2,	abuseThis was an amazing story. I really could feel the emotions that the characters are experiencing. I'm glad Claire finally let Phillip in and was starting to believe in herself. I would love to read more about them.
Kohlomere 2008-03-18 ch 2,	abuseHow sweet! Great job, E.
outsidersgirl 2008-03-18 ch 2,	abusethis is good
Noie 2008-03-17 ch 2,	abuseVery cute! I loved this story and all of the nice characters. How about a series with Kelly and Lee getting their own stories? Thanks for posting.
Monster-ish 2008-03-17 ch 1,	abuseI'm pretty sure this is a very well written, interesting story but is there any way that you could break it into two chapters? My impression is that it would be easier to read. With all you have written some people may just pass up the opportunity to read a great story because it has so many words piled into one chapter and they may lose interest. But that is just me. You don't have to do this.

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