|Reviews for Detention|
| simpleplan13 3/21/08 . chapter 3
I love the subject matter here. Not just in this piece, but the whole collection. Taking something so simple as detention and writing a piece (well a good one anyway) is really hard to do. Well done.
There were a few parts that sounded a bit awkward to me. The first line just sounded a bit weird. Also you say pages and then page, which didn't seem to relate to me. Also you say the room is empty, but then you mention all the people, which didn't sound right. Also (i’ve almost never been stuck in detention at never and at all was unnecessarily repetitive. The other part about not quiting what you haven't started I had no idea what it meant, but I was probably just missing something.
Some grammar issues... "my hands are shaking and clammy" shaky and clammy are the same, well not tense, but form of the word. Also I think there should be a comma after pathetic existence. Also you only use a lower case i in that one line, which didn't seem to match up to me. "my leg won’t stop twitching,/my body is sweating./my hands are shaking and clammy;/I just want to leave this closed-up little room." The first three lines are all sentences by themselves so I'd make them a list connected with commas and an and or make them all their own sentences. Also the last line is connected to all of them, not just that last sentence, which makes the semi-colon seem odd.
There weren't too many interesting images, but the way you describe your physical reaction was well done. The description of your handwriting was really unique and gave you a really awesome mental image.
I really liked this piece because I could relate to it and the ending was really great. The idea of going home being peace was just a perfect contrast to the rest of the piece.