Reviews for Panty Shot War - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Panty Shot War - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

LeticiaLiebtTokioHotel 2008-04-09 ch 2,	abuseHahahahahaha, this story is one of a kind. The kind that was special and different from others, in a good way of course. I'd love to read furthur and see how it progresses along. :)Update soon!
I see London I see Sam's To... 2008-04-06 ch 2,	abuseI believe this would be my fourth time reading this :) Apologies in advance, for I can already tell you this review will be rather short D: Compared to the first time and second to third that I read this, you've improved a lot of things ranging from minor punctuation/grammatical errors, to working on clarity on some spots. Although, I'm still stumped on this part: "You also had to guess who had the best panties each day; unless you have x-ray vision or are brave enough to ask each girl you thought has potential to turn your photography into a real piece of artwork." The semi-colon works fine here, though, I can't remember if that was already there or not last time I read this chapter. Because "has" is in the present tense and "thought" is in the past (along with a few other words), the sentence becomes quite confusing. Aside from that issue, it doesn't seem like a complete thought, like you just stopped short. However, I think you finished your thought in the sentence, it's just that the wording is wrong... It makes more sense to say this: "You also have to guess who has the best panties on each day; unless you have x-ray vision or are brave enough to ask each girl who you think has the best panties on, you'll never know who has the potential to turn your photography into a real piece of artwork." That right that makes sense. Best of luck with chapter three! :)
Yellers 2008-04-05 ch 2,	abuseI'm little confused but still entertained I think it's cool that your going with a very unique plot. Well I can't farther into the story Great job -Yellers*
thefilmchick 2008-03-30 ch 1,	abuseHey there, review freebie ahoy. Generally, this reads well and is funny, although the concept honestly strikes me as a little odd, and I'm not sure what your audience is here. Is there a specific genre you're aiming for? I am not sure if you're going to grab the average reader, such as he is, with a title like this, but I figure you may not be aiming for the average reader, either. You have a nice mix of dialogue and description which flows evenly throughout the chapter. - Quibbles: "Blanched clouds" - Clouds are generally white, sometimes gray. I know you were looking for a synonym for white here, but it makes me think that maybe these clouds were different than the norm somehow, and is distracting. How can you yell if your voice is dying out? VALU makes me giggle name-wise, as I read it "value." If that was your intent, well-done. I'd nix and/or change the bit about the clothes with Leo's enemy as it strikes me that that's unneeded and/or should be changed. If he's just an average guy, average-dressed, then say that; if he's intended to look like he is in an anime school uniform, then be a little more specific about that, as I didn't get that until I reread it the second time. - Grammar; corrections capitalized: Twenty-odd candidates - note dash. "There HAVE to be bad candidates." - Hope this helps!
2008-03-24 ch 1, anon.	abuseReviews for... =) "Electioneers. Whatever, they're annoying either way." Haha- Loved that line, too funny. Very, very interesting! I really want to know more about this girl with the red hair... hmm keeping me on the edge? Haha. I love how you can explain things in such detail, but not over explain. I'm quite bad at that so I admire someone who can do it flawlessly. Great job! Definetly will be adding this to my alert list. Can't wait for another chapter! --WxOxW P.s. thanks so much for looking at my forum! much appreciated.
Kittyinjurface 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuseoh wow... I must admit, I'm totally and utterly confused. What the hell is "panty shot," I've never heard of that in my LIFE.
loves him 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuseThank you so much for your review for my story. Thought I'd return the favor. :) "all I’ve seen is weirdos running into our lectures who try to do a quick speech when they’ve got speaking problems." LMAO. I love Leo's sense of humor (or rather the sense of humor you've given him). [Target sighted.] I had a problem with this line. It was just a little too abrupt. It catches your attention but only because it kind of cuts off the flow of your writing. You might consider adding in a transition of some sort. [His instincts suggested she might just make up for Gigi’s practical joke earlier.] ? I'm confused. You have a really interesting start that's got the reader attached by like...their eyeballs or something. lol, do update soon!
Rumba Rumba 2008-03-23 ch 1,	abuseFirstly, an amazingly...perhaps intriguing isn't the right word...idea. I loved the 'Article Rating', it did make me laugh. 'Strong Panty References' and 'Panty Themes' were my favourite. You use really interesting language. 'Blanched clouds' was a particularly nice phrase. However, some of it seemed to make little sense; 'the night would soon cast'. Perhaps it's just me, but that doesn't quite ring true. The main character, Leo, I thought was very realistic but I would have liked to see his character shine through a little more, with perhaps a little more of his thoughts being heard. 'Suddenly, Leo's phone rang.' I detest the 'Suddenly'. 'A second later' would do, perhaps? Altogether, an amusing idea, really well written. I look forward to more chapters! lily x from the Review Game.
xxvisionaryxx 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuseIt's good and funny. The fight was slightly over-dramatic but that works with the tone of the piece.
narcotic bunny slippers 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuseHey, I'm sorry its taken me so long to read this, I got back a few days ago. This seems really cute so far, the PSW idea is a tad odd but can be hilarious if its done right. The Facts/Message board are really funny and a cool idea. Cant wait to read more. -narcotic bunny slippers
Stylo 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuse--RG This seems really funny!! I really liked the format. The way you switch from a magazine/newsletter to his actual point of view is quite intersting. But it's not that easy to understand...Maybe you should make the difference more clear? The entire concept of the PSU is quite amusing. And kinky :P. But amusing nonetheless. The only thing I didn't really get is the ending. Maybe it's just me - I'm a little high on passive smoke right now. But could you redo that? Make it clearer what happens? It seems to have potential to be a really funny story, if it isn't already.
Imalefty 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abusereview game! (depth) agh, i didn't know the story started. sorry, i'll go back... hahaha, i like your rating system. XD is this supposed to be a sort of... newsletter...? i think it probably is. is the summary part of the story? what a horrible tradition! well, i guess it's fun for the guys... T_T "the night would soon cast." - for some reason, this sentence felt like it ended rather abruptly... "...campaign involving sex bribes[,]' Leo continued..." - should be like that so we know leo's the speaker "He felt a strong arm pressured against his back until he just about plunged towards the floor." - awkward wording "pressured" and "just about." perhaps reword? i don't quite understand what happened at the end... >_< sorry, it's probably just me. XD anyway. not quite sure what the plot is going to be exactly, but i'm sure you'll take this somewhere. it seems like a rather strange topic... taking pictures of girl's panties... >_> i wonder how you thought this up...? (O_O??) and... why is it written in a newsletter-like format? anyway. good job so far - your writing is good. not too sure about the topic, but i think you can keep me entertained. keep writing! -Lefty
Kyllorac 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseFreebie! "Coarse language 'with fine tuning'" - You can fine tune coarse language? XD "Not to be confused with PSU (power supplies) as there is a double ‘u’" - Nice pun. XD It took me a couple read overs to figure out that the story started out with an article thing. I would suggest finding some way to differentiate the summary from the article and the article from the story. Maybe underlining the article section would work. This first chapter was pretty funny. XD Aside from the confusion I had at the begining, everything read smoothly. I wonder what the next installment will bring.
LeticiaLiebtTokioHotel 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseHahaha,I'm glad you emailed me about this story. Great story. Love the way the story is written. Very unique and one of a kind. :) I'm not sure where this is going but I'd love to read more about this. Yes, i agree about the author thing.
Yanamai 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseI love the detail in this story. Things get a bit confusing during the action parts, but not enough that I am sitting there in complete and utter confusion. Like I said before I really love the detail. As someone who loves to add detail to my stories, that is really important to me :P I can't wait for the next chapter

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