Reviews for Stolen Flight - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Stolen Flight - Reviews: Page 1 of 7

et cetera et cetera 2008-08-27 ch 4,	abuseThe chapter showed the progression in interaction between Sei and Dash, which is a good thing, which gets the story and plot rolling, instead of having it go day by day, scene by scene in each chapter. The tidbits were interesting and added characteristic quality to Sei and Dash's characters. I especially enjoyed the part when she stuck her nose in the ice cream. For the most part, I think you did well with clarity as far as detailing certain aspects of Sei's unique personality, as well as explaining parts of the newfound information about Dash's exact nature. There was one grammar point I caught in this chapter (only one--you're getting better!): where you wrote "dangerous driving," should be "dangerously driving" or "driving dangerously." You may have just forgotten to add that adjective -ly suffix, but if you didn't then for future reference, when you use adverbs to describe actions, you usually put -ly. But if you knew all that, then just totally disregard what I wrote! But as a fellow critiquing writer, I'm trying to help as much as I can. This was an interesting chapter to read. Dash and Sei definitely have a distinct relationship, and I'm looking forward to reading when that relationship progresses into the romantic field. Well then, on to the next chapter! - et cetera et cetera
2008-08-24 ch 3, anon.	abuseThis chapter explained some of the questions in the previous chapter. So, now we know that Sei's an angel and Dash is a saint, presumably because that other angel took her wing and attached it to his arm? I guess it'll be clearer as I read more chapters. I got confused in the scene where the angels were fighting; I wasn't sure who had the black wings and who had the white wings, as the other angel was nameless. I guess it got confusing because of all the action taking place; so much was going on that it was hard to keep up and know who exactly was who. And I'm also confused as to Dash's living arrangements. Does he have parents? I wondered about that the first time Sei came asking to live with him, and I thought, "Well, what does his parents have to say about that?" I mean, I sort of assumed that he had parents since he's 17 and still goes to school, but it seems that he lives alone. Well, maybe my questions have already been answered, so I'll see. Oh, and one grammar point I caught this chapter. The sentence "Did she think she were an a thousand years old sage or something?" could be changed to "Did she think she was a thousand-year-old sage or something?" I think when writing out ages as a description, you need to hyphen the words. But nothing too major. So, that's my input for chapter 3. I'll review again next chapter. et cetera et cetera (just in case in accidentally sends as anonymous again)
et cetera et cetera 2008-08-24 ch 1,	abuseOops! I meant to leave that extra long review below as a signed review instead of an anonymous one. Sorry!
2008-08-24 ch 2, anon.	abuseI should've reviewed last chapter as well, but I'm pretty sure this review will encompass both chapters. Well, I must say that I'm pretty intrigued by your story thus far! You set the tone of the story with that dream sequence in the beginning, and I like how you wrote Dash. The fact that the story's written in his point of view (well, from the chapters I've read) makes it more interesting, because I think that the male point of view is refreshing and comical. As for the story, I'm hooked! I'm very interested to see how he's involved with Sei and who she really is (and why she's wearing a crow beak and speaks with such funny language--their dialogue was fun to read). Though, as a critiquing reviewer there are a few things I had to read over a couple times and make some suggestions about. Nothing too serious; just some sentence structures that I think can be reworded to sound better. With the sentence "He took her to the nurse's room, quickly; his feet pattering down the halls at top speed," I suggest you move the "quickly" from the end of that clause to before the word "took" so that you remove the unnecessary comma and make the sentence read smoothly. Also, I think changing "pattering" to "pattered" would work. So, the sentence would read "He quickly took her to the nurse’s room; his feet pattered down the halls at top speed." And one other simple thing: the part where you introduce the character Neo, you wrote it out as "a member senior to him called Neo Averick," and if you switch "senior" so that it's in front of "member" and take out the "to him" the sentence reads better. Also, it cuts the sentence down while keeping the essential parts. That part of the sentence would then be "a senior member called Neo Averick." (I hope I didn't confuse you with all that grammar stuff; other than those that I mentioned, the rest of the chapter--and chapter 1 itself--was great.) All in all, the first two chapters were lovely! I'm looking forward to reading more.
criti-sized 2008-07-31 ch 2,	abuseBack again. This chapter was good as well. The chapter showed a different light to Dash's character, and that he's not as arrogant as he came off in the first one. I can only really say that for the first part, you used repetiton twice and it was a bit awkward. And when you 'She had waken up.' wouldn't it be woken or wakened? I'm just askingt o be sure. C.S.
criti-sized 2008-07-31 ch 1,	abuseOkay, this is outlandish, but I have to say it. I'm turning a new leaf, and I hope you feel he same, no harsh feelings from before? Now, onto the review. Well, an interesting first chapter I have to say. Dash seems like a bit of a shaky character in himself, where he's arrogant, but giving. The only thing that I could point out was that some of the sentences felt a bit like run ons, and the dialogue between him and his friend right before the transfer student passed out in front of him felt a little forced. Great beginning. C.S.
Automatic Loveletter 2008-07-29 ch 4,	abuseYour story is moving at a good pace. It’s not rushed like some other stories I have read are. You do have some grammar and spelling mistakes, but they’re minor. Your story flows nicely and I can’t wait to read more.
Automatic Loveletter 2008-07-29 ch 1,	abuseI like how you began the story. You have pretty good description and it’s well written. There are some minor mistakes, I won’t point them out cause you probably know about them already from the other reviews. The gray hair is a bit weird to imagine, but it’s all good.
Mosaic Stains 2008-07-27 ch 2,	abuseUsually when I read someone's story I try to read it from the author's point of view or from the view they are trying to portray through the character... Unfortunately I'm left confused at the end of this... Why would the girl come to his house and ask to stay? I get the fact that she's wierd, her words and statement gave that away clearly. But to want to stay at his house. And then the comments about sleeping in the same bed? Perhaps a little more explanation from his thoughts would help to clear things up? Beside what I put above, the first part of the chapter wasn't bad... short, but okay. ~M. Stains
Mosaic Stains 2008-07-27 ch 1, anon.	abuseInteresting beginning... What with the vision of his arm that was related to it falling asleep and then out riding the cops to deliver roses... it 's interesting in a male tone and arrogant hero (which most heroes are) kind of way. What's especially nice is how the character's image shows instantly... What's bad about that is the character's image is built by scenes that seem to jump from one thing to another... rather than meshing together in a better way. For example, how the beginning is, then the second scene go a bit, but the third and fourth really don't... And also within the last scene... it's a bit confusing-- minus the ending-- and clumsy... in a sense. Aside from that though, the first chapter is interesting, catchy, and like I put, sound in defining the character's superficial and non-superficial attitude... More so his superficial attitude... Wonder what the next chapter brings? And I hope it explains why the raven haired, brown eyed girl passed out. Until I move further...
The Ferrett 2008-07-22 ch 3,	abuseHm. Curious. You do realise that you've managed to get me to stop thinking while I'm reading... which is a hard thing to do. Girl character is mechanical, but I guess that's the point and you managed to ... adequately execute the flashback all in all continues to be curious.
The Ferrett 2008-07-22 ch 1,	abuseHi. This line: By the way, his motto was “I’m not a nerd, I’m a hero.” Is a tad clumsy, reordering it to to make it less... prominant might help as it feels as though the stuff about the senator is more important. Ironically though, this line does explain the voice used, the scientific terms, the precise was he goes about pins and needles, that kinda thing. Anyways, I do like, and the little romance teaser at the end rocks. Good work.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 3,	abuseBesides, you - I think you need an "if" before "you" suddenly striped of their hues - stripped From a point in space - Very vague. A bit too vague, in fact. of that single color - What color? “Not so easy, Sei!” she yelled. - Who yelled? The white winged one, or the black winged one? That was because…/Except for her sleeping form, she never really looked alive. - No need to draw it out for so long. I suggest combining these two lines together. As I mentioned in the previous chapters, there are some issues with padding, especially in the flashback sequence. More concise words and streamlined prose would add to the sense of urgency/air of conflict in that scene. I am curious as to who the white winged angel is as well as Sei's reasons for living with Dash. Also, you should probably make it clearer in the beginning that this is a different day from when the previous chapter left off. I was like "He went into the bed with her?! o.O" at the start. Overall, this chapter kept me interested in the story, and Sei's breaking and entering sounded amusing.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 2,	abuseShe had waken up. - woken stunned at the repetition - You already used "repetition" not too long ago. As such, it sounds a bit too repetitive. a member senior to him - "a senior member" is more concise since the transfer student collapsed beside him in the hallway - "since the incident with the transfer student" flows a bit better. We already know the transfer student collapsed next to him in the hall, so there's no need to rehash it so specifically. ridiculousness sewn - "ridiculousness" is a very awkward word. Also, how do you sew something to a tone of voice? Try not to get too carried away with how you describe things. :P "asked incredulously" would have worked just as well and flows much better. Did I just hear the polite Fuer Nightingale curse me? - How does she curse him? This isn't very clear. Well, I thought it would be nice if you can use an excuse to skip out on a divisional meeting once in a while. We’re all concerned about your perfect attendance record for three years straight. - These two sentences are awkwardly phrased. Try restructuring them so that they are more concise. Dash Haserath decided to leave a minute early from the training session and take a walk in the glistening moonlight that matched his glistening hair. - I suggest dividing this into two sentences, one about his leaving early to take a walk, the other about the moonlight and his hair. Wait…a gigantic crow? - XD There should be a space before "a". so he just opened the door first - When did he arrive home? You never made this clear. Even Dash had to admit to Elliot’s tastes that she was rather pretty too. - The meaning of this sentence isn't very clear. He struggled the urge - "struggled against" though "fought" would be better. But being the hero-wannabe - comma after "but" in the bluntest manner he could’ve imagined - "bluntly" It’s called...Livealonism. - XD Yes, she was still on his bed. - I suggest getting rid of the "yes" as it reads as an authorial comment rather than part of the narration. You often use more words than necessary to describe something when a single, concise word would do the job equally as well (if not better). This is called padding and should be avoided since it not only looks unprofessional, but it also makes the meaning of the sentence more difficult to understand. Dash really seems serious about helping people. You did a very good job showing this personality trait rather than telling. I found the giant crow parts and Livealonism quite funny. It was a nice change of pace from the more serious start. Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter, though it could use a bit of improvement with the padding.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 1,	abuseI like how you have the dream sequence before the title. It's really unusual and gives it a sort of movie-feel. It also works great as a hook. He shot up in fear, sweat drenched him so thoroughly that he could feel the dampness in the blanket he clutched with his white fist. - This sentence has a little too much description. I suggest dividing this into two sentences (He shot up in fear, thoroughly drenched in sweat. He could feel that the blanket, clutched in his white fist, was damp with perspiration.) It will help make the meaning clearer. common sense into him did he know to shake - should be "common sense into him that he knew to shake" during his sleep, nothing more than that - semicolon instead comma He emitted a sigh of relief - "emitted" is not the word I would have used here since its connotation is more that of "radiating/giving off" than "releasing". I would suggest "let loose", "loosed", or "released". It was an important day after all. He couldn’t afford to be late. - A bit choppy. I suggest merging these two sentences with an "and". He skidded amongst the traffic - Woah! Archaic word out of nowhere! Since the rest of your writing has a more modern flair, I suggest changing "amongst" to something more common, like "through", "between", or "around". insignificant things as he… - The "..." should be "--" since ellipses are used to show a more gradual trailing off while m-dash shows abrupt cutting off. “Whoa!” he cried awkwardly as sirens chased after him, red and blue light reflecting off his shiny leather gloves while they flickered from behind. - Are you trying to describe the sirens or his gloves? He turned back to see two cops waving their fingers madly at him, yelling for him to stop. - He's turning around while driving a motorcycle? If he's really going as fast as implied earlier, he'd probably loose control if he looked back for more than a split second. Instead of "turned", I suggest "glanced". Also, why are the cops only waving their fingers? become indistinguishable mingles of color - "mingles" is a verb. "an indistinguishable mingling" is more correct, though I personally would avoid using "mingling" in favor of "morass" or "blur". He snorted arrogantly, his fingers adjusting the shades that he wore just because it looked cool (although nobody was watching). - This sentence is a bit awkward. "adjusting the shades he wore just to look cool, even though nobody was watching" flows better, though it could still use some improvement. …roses. - You don't need the ellipses here. Also, you can capitalize the R. seventeen years old - seventeen-year-old he was trying to get to the seniors’ home where he volunteered! - Aw. I don't think you need the exclamation point at the end, though. It makes this sentence sound a bit forced and contrived. Although Dash knew that what was said could not be found on the dictionary, - Awkwardly phrased with too many unneeded words. I suggest changing it to "Although the word could not be found in the dictionary". and was just one of many invented words that started with dhy - LOL Dash sounds like the kind of guy who always means well, but just can't stay out of trouble. He was fervently trying to study for a first-aid test tomorrow for his volunteer brigade while he answered the phone call from his childhood friend, Cain. - A bit confusing/cluttered. You can either trim down the words, rearrange the sentence structure, or divide into two separate sentences. By the way, his motto was “I’m not a nerd, I’m a hero.” - The "by the way" was very jarring. Try incorporating his motto into the dialogue; it will flow much more smoothly. Also, semicolon after "nerd". Sorry, you - I think a period would be better than a comma. Sure, I - Again, I think period is more appropriate. walking towards his classroom where he was going to meet Cain - This is awkwardly phrased. Try restructuring the sentence or mentioning that he will be meeting Cain in a separate sentence. But at that moment, his heart skipped a beat; so did hers. - You could smooth out this sentence a bit. "But at the moment his heart skipped a beat, so did hers." flows much better. Dash seems like an interesting character so far. I like how you introduced him breaking the law then show him helping out senior citizens. It was a nice contrast. Overall, you might want to cut back on the adjectives and adverbs. It's easy to get carried away with them and confuse the meaning of the sentence. Dialogue flowed smoothly, for the most part. Tossing in "palpate" almost threw me off, though. I think you need to make it clearer that Dash is quite knowledgeable in basic medicine as "palpate" is not a common word, even among the first aid classes I have taken. The female transfer student collapsing in the hallway for no apparent reason seems a bit cliche, but it's too early to really tell. I am curious how Dash will react to this event though.

Return to Top