I liked the way you began the chapter with the italized paragraphs because it caught my interest right away and made me want to read more. I also liked the way you wrote Dash because he is a very interesting character.

Number two of the quick fixes! Once again thanks for the picture. I loved it!

I saw basically the same issue with this chapter as I did the last. Awkward sentences. Other then that it flowed nicely. I think my only other issues, which is more personal, are the character's names. I haven't ready through the entire story though to find out everything yet though. But is this store based in the modern world? I've learned that sometimes characters with hard, awkward names makes it hard to relate to a story. If this is in a made up world some of the names make sense, but if it's a present day, modern fantasy, some of them seem a bit far fetched.

Other then that everything was great. Good job! :)

I like this. You kept it interesting and didn't give to much information away, so the reader has to keep going to figure things out. The biggest issue that I saw in this chapter is just a lot of awkward sentences. Some of the wording doesn't flow and I had to go back and reread a sentence over again. The best way to fix that is just really reading over your chapter before you post, maybe even having someone else look at it. Sometimes a fresh prospective is the best answer. I know a lot of times for me, things like awkward sentences get caught when I have someone else read over the story.

Other then that I didn't see to much wrong with the chapter. :) Quick fix numero uno done! On to the next!

Hello! I really enjoyed the way you ended this chapter. Personally, I love it when the twist in a story comes in at the very end, and you grasped that perfectly. What you could improve on, though, is the details in the story. I couldn't tell where the story was going at first (or if this was just a bunch of short stories put on one link) so I was a bit confused in the beginning. Anyway, I like the start of this story. It seems like something that can have a lot of potential. Keep on writing!

hello dex! a review from the review game celebrating its first birthday! :)

Wow, catching beginning. I definitely thought it was real… when it turned out to be a dream, I was kind of confused. (not really, but… it was a feeling similar to confusion XD)

Whoa, am I supposed to not really be sure what’s going on anymore? Is this a dream? I think it might be your style of writing – you make it sound like it’s a dream, or that it’s not happening… I think it’s actually an interesting way of telling the story…

I like your names. :) They’re not uncommon, but not… common, if you know what I mean.

The dialogue between Dash and Elliot was a little awkward, though I’m not sure why… ^^;;

Hahaha yeah, I’m not really sure what happened, but it’s an interesting start. I would like a bit more description of the surroundings… maybe a bit more knowledge of how much time passes between sections of writing (since I got kind of lost time-wise after he woke up from his dream…). But otherwise, it looks like it’s making out to be a promising story…

Oh, I also like how your writing is obviously influenced by anime. XD It’s not so apparent as to be annoying, but it definitely has that hint in it so… good job. XD

-Lefty

The chapter showed the progression in interaction between Sei and Dash, which is a good thing, which gets the story and plot rolling, instead of having it go day by day, scene by scene in each chapter. The tidbits were interesting and added characteristic quality to Sei and Dash's characters. I especially enjoyed the part when she stuck her nose in the ice cream.

For the most part, I think you did well with clarity as far as detailing certain aspects of Sei's unique personality, as well as explaining parts of the newfound information about Dash's exact nature.

There was one grammar point I caught in this chapter (only one--you're getting better!): where you wrote "dangerous driving," should be "dangerously driving" or "driving dangerously." You may have just forgotten to add that adjective -ly suffix, but if you didn't then for future reference, when you use adverbs to describe actions, you usually put -ly. But if you knew all that, then just totally disregard what I wrote! But as a fellow critiquing writer, I'm trying to help as much as I can.

This was an interesting chapter to read. Dash and Sei definitely have a distinct relationship, and I'm looking forward to reading when that relationship progresses into the romantic field.

Well then, on to the next chapter!


- et cetera et cetera

This chapter explained some of the questions in the previous chapter. So, now we know that Sei's an angel and Dash is a saint, presumably because that other angel took her wing and attached it to his arm? I guess it'll be clearer as I read more chapters.

I got confused in the scene where the angels were fighting; I wasn't sure who had the black wings and who had the white wings, as the other angel was nameless. I guess it got confusing because of all the action taking place; so much was going on that it was hard to keep up and know who exactly was who.

And I'm also confused as to Dash's living arrangements. Does he have parents? I wondered about that the first time Sei came asking to live with him, and I thought, "Well, what does his parents have to say about that?" I mean, I sort of assumed that he had parents since he's 17 and still goes to school, but it seems that he lives alone. Well, maybe my questions have already been answered, so I'll see.

Oh, and one grammar point I caught this chapter. The sentence "Did she think she were an a thousand years old sage or something?" could be changed to "Did she think she was a thousand-year-old sage or something?" I think when writing out ages as a description, you need to hyphen the words. But nothing too major.

So, that's my input for chapter 3. I'll review again next chapter.


et cetera et cetera (just in case in accidentally sends as anonymous again)

Oops! I meant to leave that extra long review below as a signed review instead of an anonymous one. Sorry!

I should've reviewed last chapter as well, but I'm pretty sure this review will encompass both chapters.

Well, I must say that I'm pretty intrigued by your story thus far! You set the tone of the story with that dream sequence in the beginning, and I like how you wrote Dash. The fact that the story's written in his point of view (well, from the chapters I've read) makes it more interesting, because I think that the male point of view is refreshing and comical.

As for the story, I'm hooked! I'm very interested to see how he's involved with Sei and who she really is (and why she's wearing a crow beak and speaks with such funny language--their dialogue was fun to read).
Though, as a critiquing reviewer there are a few things I had to read over a couple times and make some suggestions about. Nothing too serious; just some sentence structures that I think can be reworded to sound better.
With the sentence "He took her to the nurse's room, quickly; his feet pattering down the halls at top speed," I suggest you move the "quickly" from the end of that clause to before the word "took" so that you remove the unnecessary comma and make the sentence read smoothly. Also, I think changing "pattering" to "pattered" would work. So, the sentence would read "He quickly took her to the nurse’s room; his feet pattered down the halls at top speed."
And one other simple thing: the part where you introduce the character Neo, you wrote it out as "a member senior to him called Neo Averick," and if you switch "senior" so that it's in front of "member" and take out the "to him" the sentence reads better. Also, it cuts the sentence down while keeping the essential parts. That part of the sentence would then be "a senior member called Neo Averick."

(I hope I didn't confuse you with all that grammar stuff; other than those that I mentioned, the rest of the chapter--and chapter 1 itself--was great.)

All in all, the first two chapters were lovely! I'm looking forward to reading more.

Back again.

This chapter was good as well. The chapter showed a different light to Dash's character, and that he's not as arrogant as he came off in the first one.

I can only really say that for the first part, you used repetiton twice and it was a bit awkward. And when you 'She had waken up.' wouldn't it be woken or wakened? I'm just askingt o be sure.

C.S.

Okay, this is outlandish, but I have to say it. I'm turning a new leaf, and I hope you feel he same, no harsh feelings from before?

Now, onto the review.

Well, an interesting first chapter I have to say. Dash seems like a bit of a shaky character in himself, where he's arrogant, but giving.

The only thing that I could point out was that some of the sentences felt a bit like run ons, and the dialogue between him and his friend right before the transfer student passed out in front of him felt a little forced.

Great beginning.

C.S.

Your story is moving at a good pace. It’s not rushed like some other stories I have read are. You do have some grammar and spelling mistakes, but they’re minor. Your story flows nicely and I can’t wait to read more.

I like how you began the story. You have pretty good description and it’s well written. There are some minor mistakes, I won’t point them out cause you probably know about them already from the other reviews. The gray hair is a bit weird to imagine, but it’s all good.

Usually when I read someone's story I try to read it from the author's point of view or from the view they are trying to portray through the character... Unfortunately I'm left confused at the end of this...

Why would the girl come to his house and ask to stay? I get the fact that she's wierd, her words and statement gave that away clearly. But to want to stay at his house. And then the comments about sleeping in the same bed? Perhaps a little more explanation from his thoughts would help to clear things up?

Beside what I put above, the first part of the chapter wasn't bad... short, but okay.

~M. Stains

Interesting beginning... What with the vision of his arm that was related to it falling asleep and then out riding the cops to deliver roses... it 's interesting in a male tone and arrogant hero (which most heroes are) kind of way.

What's especially nice is how the character's image shows instantly... What's bad about that is the character's image is built by scenes that seem to jump from one thing to another... rather than meshing together in a better way. For example, how the beginning is, then the second scene go a bit, but the third and fourth really don't... And also within the last scene... it's a bit confusing-- minus the ending-- and clumsy... in a sense.

Aside from that though, the first chapter is interesting, catchy, and like I put, sound in defining the character's superficial and non-superficial attitude... More so his superficial attitude...

Wonder what the next chapter brings? And I hope it explains why the raven haired, brown eyed girl passed out.

Until I move further...