Reviews for Stolen Flight - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Stolen Flight - Reviews: Page 1 of 7

The Ferrett 2008-07-22 ch 3,	abuseHm. Curious. You do realise that you've managed to get me to stop thinking while I'm reading... which is a hard thing to do. Girl character is mechanical, but I guess that's the point and you managed to ... adequately execute the flashback all in all continues to be curious.
The Ferrett 2008-07-22 ch 1,	abuseHi. This line: By the way, his motto was “I’m not a nerd, I’m a hero.” Is a tad clumsy, reordering it to to make it less... prominant might help as it feels as though the stuff about the senator is more important. Ironically though, this line does explain the voice used, the scientific terms, the precise was he goes about pins and needles, that kinda thing. Anyways, I do like, and the little romance teaser at the end rocks. Good work.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 3,	abuseBesides, you - I think you need an "if" before "you" suddenly striped of their hues - stripped From a point in space - Very vague. A bit too vague, in fact. of that single color - What color? “Not so easy, Sei!” she yelled. - Who yelled? The white winged one, or the black winged one? That was because…/Except for her sleeping form, she never really looked alive. - No need to draw it out for so long. I suggest combining these two lines together. As I mentioned in the previous chapters, there are some issues with padding, especially in the flashback sequence. More concise words and streamlined prose would add to the sense of urgency/air of conflict in that scene. I am curious as to who the white winged angel is as well as Sei's reasons for living with Dash. Also, you should probably make it clearer in the beginning that this is a different day from when the previous chapter left off. I was like "He went into the bed with her?! o.O" at the start. Overall, this chapter kept me interested in the story, and Sei's breaking and entering sounded amusing.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 2,	abuseShe had waken up. - woken stunned at the repetition - You already used "repetition" not too long ago. As such, it sounds a bit too repetitive. a member senior to him - "a senior member" is more concise since the transfer student collapsed beside him in the hallway - "since the incident with the transfer student" flows a bit better. We already know the transfer student collapsed next to him in the hall, so there's no need to rehash it so specifically. ridiculousness sewn - "ridiculousness" is a very awkward word. Also, how do you sew something to a tone of voice? Try not to get too carried away with how you describe things. :P "asked incredulously" would have worked just as well and flows much better. Did I just hear the polite Fuer Nightingale curse me? - How does she curse him? This isn't very clear. Well, I thought it would be nice if you can use an excuse to skip out on a divisional meeting once in a while. We’re all concerned about your perfect attendance record for three years straight. - These two sentences are awkwardly phrased. Try restructuring them so that they are more concise. Dash Haserath decided to leave a minute early from the training session and take a walk in the glistening moonlight that matched his glistening hair. - I suggest dividing this into two sentences, one about his leaving early to take a walk, the other about the moonlight and his hair. Wait…a gigantic crow? - XD There should be a space before "a". so he just opened the door first - When did he arrive home? You never made this clear. Even Dash had to admit to Elliot’s tastes that she was rather pretty too. - The meaning of this sentence isn't very clear. He struggled the urge - "struggled against" though "fought" would be better. But being the hero-wannabe - comma after "but" in the bluntest manner he could’ve imagined - "bluntly" It’s called...Livealonism. - XD Yes, she was still on his bed. - I suggest getting rid of the "yes" as it reads as an authorial comment rather than part of the narration. You often use more words than necessary to describe something when a single, concise word would do the job equally as well (if not better). This is called padding and should be avoided since it not only looks unprofessional, but it also makes the meaning of the sentence more difficult to understand. Dash really seems serious about helping people. You did a very good job showing this personality trait rather than telling. I found the giant crow parts and Livealonism quite funny. It was a nice change of pace from the more serious start. Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter, though it could use a bit of improvement with the padding.
Kyllorac 2008-07-15 ch 1,	abuseI like how you have the dream sequence before the title. It's really unusual and gives it a sort of movie-feel. It also works great as a hook. He shot up in fear, sweat drenched him so thoroughly that he could feel the dampness in the blanket he clutched with his white fist. - This sentence has a little too much description. I suggest dividing this into two sentences (He shot up in fear, thoroughly drenched in sweat. He could feel that the blanket, clutched in his white fist, was damp with perspiration.) It will help make the meaning clearer. common sense into him did he know to shake - should be "common sense into him that he knew to shake" during his sleep, nothing more than that - semicolon instead comma He emitted a sigh of relief - "emitted" is not the word I would have used here since its connotation is more that of "radiating/giving off" than "releasing". I would suggest "let loose", "loosed", or "released". It was an important day after all. He couldn’t afford to be late. - A bit choppy. I suggest merging these two sentences with an "and". He skidded amongst the traffic - Woah! Archaic word out of nowhere! Since the rest of your writing has a more modern flair, I suggest changing "amongst" to something more common, like "through", "between", or "around". insignificant things as he… - The "..." should be "--" since ellipses are used to show a more gradual trailing off while m-dash shows abrupt cutting off. “Whoa!” he cried awkwardly as sirens chased after him, red and blue light reflecting off his shiny leather gloves while they flickered from behind. - Are you trying to describe the sirens or his gloves? He turned back to see two cops waving their fingers madly at him, yelling for him to stop. - He's turning around while driving a motorcycle? If he's really going as fast as implied earlier, he'd probably loose control if he looked back for more than a split second. Instead of "turned", I suggest "glanced". Also, why are the cops only waving their fingers? become indistinguishable mingles of color - "mingles" is a verb. "an indistinguishable mingling" is more correct, though I personally would avoid using "mingling" in favor of "morass" or "blur". He snorted arrogantly, his fingers adjusting the shades that he wore just because it looked cool (although nobody was watching). - This sentence is a bit awkward. "adjusting the shades he wore just to look cool, even though nobody was watching" flows better, though it could still use some improvement. …roses. - You don't need the ellipses here. Also, you can capitalize the R. seventeen years old - seventeen-year-old he was trying to get to the seniors’ home where he volunteered! - Aw. I don't think you need the exclamation point at the end, though. It makes this sentence sound a bit forced and contrived. Although Dash knew that what was said could not be found on the dictionary, - Awkwardly phrased with too many unneeded words. I suggest changing it to "Although the word could not be found in the dictionary". and was just one of many invented words that started with dhy - LOL Dash sounds like the kind of guy who always means well, but just can't stay out of trouble. He was fervently trying to study for a first-aid test tomorrow for his volunteer brigade while he answered the phone call from his childhood friend, Cain. - A bit confusing/cluttered. You can either trim down the words, rearrange the sentence structure, or divide into two separate sentences. By the way, his motto was “I’m not a nerd, I’m a hero.” - The "by the way" was very jarring. Try incorporating his motto into the dialogue; it will flow much more smoothly. Also, semicolon after "nerd". Sorry, you - I think a period would be better than a comma. Sure, I - Again, I think period is more appropriate. walking towards his classroom where he was going to meet Cain - This is awkwardly phrased. Try restructuring the sentence or mentioning that he will be meeting Cain in a separate sentence. But at that moment, his heart skipped a beat; so did hers. - You could smooth out this sentence a bit. "But at the moment his heart skipped a beat, so did hers." flows much better. Dash seems like an interesting character so far. I like how you introduced him breaking the law then show him helping out senior citizens. It was a nice contrast. Overall, you might want to cut back on the adjectives and adverbs. It's easy to get carried away with them and confuse the meaning of the sentence. Dialogue flowed smoothly, for the most part. Tossing in "palpate" almost threw me off, though. I think you need to make it clearer that Dash is quite knowledgeable in basic medicine as "palpate" is not a common word, even among the first aid classes I have taken. The female transfer student collapsing in the hallway for no apparent reason seems a bit cliche, but it's too early to really tell. I am curious how Dash will react to this event though.
The Hippie Nerd 2008-07-11 ch 6,	abuseHey! I just joined Reviewers-Found, and so have only now began reading your story. So far, I've really enjoyed the first six chapters! The prologue at the beginning, combined with the sudden chase, worked as an effective hook. At first I thought I would want to tell you to avoid using contractions for the narration and only for when characters talk, but the narrator seems to almost be a character in his or herself and it works (some of the narrator's lines, like "Wait...a gigantic crow?" are quite humourous, I enjoyed that). The third chapter was engaging, but grew somewhat confusing as it went on. Unfortunately that confusion led me to become a bit lost and a bit withdrawn from the story. It really is tricky trying to give a story a sense of mystery and intrigue without going too far and being overly confusing. The mystery and intrigue works much better as the story goes on though, as the story can still be followed and Dash doesn't quite understand everything that's going on either. The action was well done, and I especially enjoyed the interaction between Sei and Dash (such as with the ice cream). It was cute, endearing, and gave depth to their characters that made the battling that much more meaningful. I'm looking forward to reading more, bravo!
Addyson 2008-07-11 ch 1,	abuseHaha. Nice way to begin chapter one. I seriously thought he was like doing something horrible! But, no, he was visiting the senior center!! Aw, that was sweet, too! And Dhym was hilarious. Keep up the good work ~~Addyson
ohthevoices 2008-07-08 ch 2,	abuseHmm, Sei strikes me as odd; I'm assuming she's not from around there, then? That's a reason for people to keep reading, then, so we can find out more about her, like who (or what?) she is, why she's there, things like that. I also liked Dash's crack about "Livealonism." I can tell already that he has a sense of humor, and it's a nice change from the more serious stories out there.
Sercus Kaynine 2008-07-08 ch 6,	abuseHere's the Freebie you won! Okay, I can't really comment about the plot much because I'm jumping right in, but I must say I'm happy with the story's pace. It wasn't a particularly long chapter, but a lot of things happened and the story moved nicely. Since I can't comment on much else (besides spelling and grammar, which were impeccable), I like your writing style. It's easy to read and puts things clearly (if a little bluntly) so the reader can easily understand what's going on. Hmm... what else is there to say... Well, I got the basics of most of the characters' personalities, and you left a killer bombshell at the end of the chapter, or maybe it's just a bombshell because I haven't read the rest of the story, but anyway... Nice job on this!
ohthevoices 2008-07-08 ch 1,	abuse-Wow, I really wasn't expecting Dash to be going to a seniors' home. Which is why I liked that, I think; it came out of nowhere. It made me laugh, anyway. One small quibble, though: "Yes, seventeen years old Dash Haserath..." - Take the s off the end of "years." -"...and was just one of many invented words that started with dhy." Haha, I can relate to this. Except in my house, all of the invented words somehow involve people being dorks...Yeah. -Is Dash for real? Volunteering at the seniors' home, first-aid classes for more volunteer work...unless you're going for that angle? I thought you did the light tone very well, but I thought this moved very fast. We barely got into one scene before you immediately zipped off to another, leaving us barely enough time to figure out what was going on. I'm sort of getting a sense for Dash, but not quite. Then again, this was really short so maybe I just need to read a little more.
Esther Jade 2008-07-05 ch 6,	abuseReview game! Hello again ;) In terms of opening the chapter, I know that it's the continuation of the last chapter's fight but maybe the fight needs a little more description. These sentences "The battle was fierce. Dash recognized that Sei was becoming faster as the fight raged on, as if she had gotten used to the loss of her other wing." are very much tell sentences where it might be better to show. There were two pieces of dialogue in this chapter that struck me as off. The first was: "The Darkness I’m blessed with is not regeneration. It is growth! Growth of any appendages that you can imag". I see how this might be a necessary explanation but it feels like it lacks motivation. I just don't see why the opponent says it. The second was: "It can’t be helped that you are dumb, but to be honest, there was one thing I don’t understand either" The comment about him being dumb seems a bit out of character for Sei. It just bothered me. In general, I found this chapter a bit harder to get into than the others (part of that might be because I haven't read for a while). I remember liking a lot of your action descriptions before but I found the action a bit confusing in this chapter - I think it might be because it's all squashed into too little space. Just generally, it felt like all the scenes needed to be a little longer. The plot is being pushed forward with the material with Fuer but at the moment this chapter feels a bit like an outline to me. I'm not really getting much of the characters coming through. Especially with this being the first time where there's material from Fuer's perspective, I would suggest putting in more material to give a bit of a feel for the character.
Twilight Starr 2008-07-04 ch 6,	abuseThe embodiment of death--ah, creepy. Sounds like trouble. Nice work. Have an excellent day. ~Twilight Starr~
dreamer999 2008-07-04 ch 1,	abuseThe story is pretty cool, I especially loved Dash. He's such a funny idiot "I'm not a nerd, I'm a hero." lol. The summary kinda made me expect that he was just playing with a girl then suddenly falls in love with her...eh...well it's kind of disappointing that it was not that kind of plot but it was so worth reading.
Songs of an Angel 2008-07-04 ch 4,	abuseInteresting chapter but what a cliffhanger! =(( Lol. Very amusing this chapter! I enjoy now Sei's oblivion...although Philosophically, angels know everything. They know much more than humans do, so when she didn't know about ice cream, I kind of cringed. Lol. :D Once again, Keep up the great work! And I'm lloking forward to reading more! :P
Songs of an Angel 2008-07-04 ch 3,	abuseIt's me again! Lol. I would have to say that Sei is SO, SO oblivious! Pretty innocent...too innocent...it can get annoying. Haha! :P n-th...'nth' is jst okay. I know I’m sexy and everything, but you still don’t need to live with me!” LMFAO! Ahahahaha boys will be boys :p I love the last words! It really struck me! Way to get some action started! Lol. Now I understand why she's so, so oblivious! Although...I can't imagine Dash being a saint with all his candor and arrogance. Lol. Great chapter! And I've noticed this is mor ehumorous than your previous chapters so I applaud you! Lol. :D Can't wait to read more! :P

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