FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| freaky.little.devil 2008-04-06 ch 1,  | abuseReally beautiful poem. Nice work! |
| Amethyst Leirda PhotoMaster 2008-03-21 ch 1, | abuseOh my gosh this is so beautiful! It touched me a lot because I had a friend who was just like that. The line "Can't teach a broken girl how to heal" is perfect! Well done! |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-03-21 ch 1, | abuseOne huge suggestion: word economy. In the first two lines I can see four words that you can easily get rid of. Those are "the color of" (make "violets" -> "violet") from the first line and "that" from the second. Removing those doesn't really change anything and it just makes it a smoother read. Throughout the piece there are other places where you can condense this down ("without your attention to keep/it bright." could simply be "without any attention"). You also don't need either "and" in this piece. I would recommend it to help you give this more of a poetic voice because at the moment it does have a bit of a prosaic feel to it. Aside from word economy, your line breaks are a bit iffy. Be careful of breaking a phrase and leaving a minor word like "how" or "of" or simply breaking a phrase in a place where we normally wouldn't pause. Overall, this isn't bad. It's got a good personal touch to it but the presentation and some of the phrasing does need a little work. I like the content though so I'd like to see this piece with its potential realised. Midnight |
| vaudeville summers 2008-03-20 ch 1, | abuseI really love how candid it is, it's refreshing to read it. My favorite line is definitely, "For a while I was content with watching your attempts, your desperate endeavors to be someone you're not." This piece inspires me in so many ways...wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Ah, sorry, but "loose" should be "lose" in the last sentence. ((favorited)) ~DeAnna |