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| starleaf 2008-04-18 ch 1,  | abuseHaha! What a cute twist. I liked that. There are a few things I would change, like the opening sentence (it doesn't really lure the reader in). You also, accidentally I'm guessing, wrote "mines" instead of "mine" toward the end of the story. I do find the ending amusing, though. xD Sounds like something my boyfriend and I would do, except I'd be giggling the whole way through, haha. Very entertaining. :) |
| PrettiestWretchedWhore 2008-04-16 ch 1, | abuseThe "coming from the weather outside" doesn't make sense to me either, but other than that IT ROCKED! You have such a nice way of grabbing the reader's attention, I love it! The whole story was entertaining and you managed to make a huge impact in so few words! Good job! ~Keep writing!~ |
| Sentance Winder 2008-04-16 ch 1, | abuseI love the power of this story its so seductive and engages the reader so they won't turn back. It's very intense reading this and i must say i enjoyed it. Though there is one thing i don't understand no matter how many times i look at it. What?? I was wearing my heels, a cargo pants rolled up along with a grey cami and a black leather jacket, coming from the hot weather outside. I think some changes would be. I was wearing my heels, cargo pants that rolled up alongside of my grey cami and a black leather jacket. But i really don't understand "coming from the weather outside" part. It may be me, but it doesn't make sense. if you can explain that or just change it to something better thanks. Any way other than that it was awsome. And i enjoyed it. |
| XsilentXescapeX 2008-03-27 ch 1, | abuseThat made me giggle. haha i really liked it. towards the end i started to think it might be her boyfriend but it was still a sort of surprise. good work. ~silent |
| writingxonxwalls 2008-03-22 ch 1, | abusereview game =) "One morning I woke up and walked to a store." One morning, "I was wear my heels, a cargo pants rolled up along with a grey cami and a black leather jacket, coming from the hot weather outside." I was wearing (?) There's also a lot of fragments. For example, "Taking my steps slowly." NOW ON TO THE THINGS I LOVED: 1. The plot. 2. The characters. 3. The whole story!! Haha But I honestly really did like it. The ending was such a surprise and I couldn't stop reading. Great job!! The suggestions above are just minor things; the story as a whole was awesome! --WxOxW |
| Asherah Seirei 2008-03-21 ch 1, | abuseFirst, I have to say I like the strong characterization of the narrator. That really struck me in the first paragraph. ^^ However, I found a few errors, such as: "My sudden turn made their heart jumped a beat." You should have used the infinitive of jump--which is 'jump'. "“I looking for something.” I said. I place my index finger to my chin in a thinking motion." There should be a verb between I and looking. You only switched tenses once, but it's still a problem. ^^ etc. I'm just pointing this out to be helpful! Overall it is still a very interesting story. ^_^_^_^ |
| Williamchan87 2008-03-20 ch 1, | abuseHe walked over to the rack of candy bars and plucked a Snickers. “Chocolate?” his insisted. he instead of his? hehehehe |
| Bazooka Joy 2008-03-20 ch 1, | abuseHah, I don't know the answer to the riddle or whatever but this was pretty nice. I noticed one or two typos in there but no biggie. |
| Willy Boy 2008-03-20 ch 1, | abuselol, like the humor at the end :P |