Reviews for The Cadre of Corruptors Blues

Reviews For: The Cadre of Corruptors Blues

Cloverless 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuseI'll start with the good things. There is a nice message behind the poem, even though it could be conveyed in a more efficient manner. In a similar fashion, the idea is not one that is terribly common and it is something that is nice to read, if only because it is different. The metaphors for freedom, censorship, and general oppression, as well as the extended metaphors for both the governing and the governed are interesting and powerful in their own rights. It's layered, but simple; which is always a good thing to find in a poem. Now, to the things which I felt you could have improved upon. NOTE: You may notice a gigantic discrepency in size, if you compare the positive things I noted and the things which you might improve on. This is in no way a reflection of your writing abilities, or of you personally. The only reason that I'm touching more on the negative things is because others have already doted on you with positive comments and you won't learn anything if I simply re-state those things over and over. You need to know right now that I liked the poem, I just didn't think it was an amazing piece of literature. If that hurts your feelings, then stop reading. These things are just my opinions, which I offer only because I would like to see you improve, and I believe that there are areas in which you could improve. Is all of what I say right? Well, that depends. Some people may not agree with it, and that's fine because they are allowed to have opinions as much as I. So, without further adieu, my opinion: Now, I hate to go against the majority, but I don't think it's great; it's good, but that's about it. It's not a bad poem, and there are certainly appealing aspects that stem from it. However -- to me -- this is something that feels almost forced. It's like: sure, there's a message behind it, but it seems so stressed to be profound that, when it fails to do so, it doesn't leave a very satisfying taste in one's mouth. As another reviewer has pointed out there were errors in certain misspelt words and akward phrasings. While others have applauded the use of your stanzas, I personally felt that they came off a little bit clumsy. Because the poem is written with lines that are as short as they are (alternating between six and five syllables) four line stanzas don't give you room to say very much. Though it can work in some poems, in this poem I think it's more detrimental than beneficial to have kept it to rigid four line stanzas (plus one two line stanza that sticks out more than an awkward pre-teen at their first dance) consisting of only about twenty syllables. Again, because of the length of each stanza it comes off as random and jumpy. Stanzas are great in free verse (in fact, they're really the only things that keep a free-verse poem from becoming a prose) but sometimes it's better to take more room to get an idea across than to stick to a system just for technical merit; this isn't Figure Skating, and you won't be marked on technical merit. The flow of a poem shouldn't be hindered by adherence to technicalities. That's what separates a good poem from a great poem, and a great poem from a work of art. I'll give you some examples of what I'm talking about in your poem, where pacing seems to be your major downfall. So, I sing for only those seeking freedom. My genre, pesty blues; my song is ageless. Historically they've won; their schemes seldom sleep. Tyranny is masked but not absolute.' See, those two stanzas are not bad by themselves, even out of context of the poem they're not bad and still make relative sense. However, when you put them one after another, they just don't make sense. You need to throw a segue in there, or something. You just jump straight from singing songs, to defaming tyranny. If you'd either made the stanzas a little longer, or you'd added some more stanzas, you could probably have corrected the flow and made it into a pretty good piece of work. To surmise everything I've just said, if you didn't care enough to read it (or you read it, and you have simply found that I myself lack segues and sensicality after midnight): flow is your main problem. It's a fine poem, it just lacks that flow and sense of rhymthm and timing. It's not a bad work, it's just lacking flow.
ilovetheopera 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abusespelling, firstly: "flourishes" instead of "flurishes", "pesty blues?" and "elusive" not "ellusive". also, "unveiling". i personally find it hard to write political poems, but as a social studies teacher it's a pretty apt topic for you. i like the line "masses unveiling wings for the clipping." it's sort of sacrificial and vulnerable at the same time. though, i think the general flow of your poem isn't very good.. for lines this short, normally i'd except them to rhyme. reading this poem aloud gives me a headache. i like the idea of songs, sung through time, and the line "their schemes seldom sleep", showing that people are trying to overcome corrupt governments all the time.
from beneath the bell jar 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseVery clever. Besides a few misspellings that are easily fixed, this is a very good piece. Very political, but poetic at the same time - a hard feat. I like the extended bird metaphor, esp. the bit about 'unveiling wings for the clipping'. I really liked the ending about fathers singing to their sons. Very good piece. But I do suggest you do go back and run it through spell check.
admiral realson 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseAlthough I do not believe that goverment is a bad thing, you do have a point. Nice poem...
simpleplan13 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseI read the other version and tried to review it and fp said the story was gone, but i see now why and I like it. I think the stanzas and centering was nice. Anyhow I liked the piece a lot. It was very true and the word choice was really nice. I also loved the whole song idea, especially about the end.

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